Oh FFS! How do you deal with young teens who keep losing stuff?

[FreudianSlippery]

Do you replace stuff straight away?

If they were my DCs (they are DH's) I'd get them to pay at least part of it out of pocket money and/or extra chores, but they live with their mum who doesn't give pocket money or give them extra for chores (apparently that's begging ) so what to do?

So basically DH's DD lost ANOTHER garment and apparently that's DH's fault because she was with him at the time. FFS, 12 is old enough to be responsible for that kind of thing isn't it? I mean she gets herself to school on her own etc. Bless her she's quite disorganised, has been getting better though. Mostly!

So what do you do? I'd be tempted to say in future if you lose something you pay for it, at least partly, but I don't see how that can work as DH's exW has very different views about money.

It's not that I mind getting them stuff they need - I love taking them shopping and contributing in useful ways - but we are not at all well off so suddenly facing a demand for replacement stuff is quite hard at times. I'm sure if we could enforce a consistent rule it'd be better but I don't know how to go about it.

Any ideas? I'll post this in teenagers too.

My 14 year old is the same

I think in November she left a bag on the bus home from school that had in it her school trousers, blouse, tie and shoes. Last week she lost another tie. Have made her pay for the next one out of birthday/christmas money she had left over. She was warned when she lost the bag that if she loses something like that again it would happen

The lost property bin at school is crammed with stuff, most of which is unnamed. Is her stuff named and is she bothering to check lost property?
12 YO, I'd still be reminding them to check if I was with them and they had a habit of forgetting things.
Yes, I'd get them to replace some non-essential items themselves, or pay me back in kind.

I feel your pain - DD is great at keeping track of clothes but routinely loses her bank card, train tickets and keys.

Sorry can't be more helpful! If the items are vital (coats, shoes etc) then they just have to be replaced - but you could make it clear that other things have to go to pay for them (eg leisure activities) even if it is only a few pounds saved it should reinforce the lesson that things have to be taken care of.

Ok. She's only here once a week or so - how would she pay us back 'in kind'? She doesn't actually live here so I've always felt mean asking her to do chores.

Tbh, compared to her sister she's quite bad at all this organisational stuff - very scruffy, doesn't look after herself etc. DH was just saying the losing things is a symptom of this wider problem.

Eg, when they've been staying and we ask them to get their bags ready and/or put the bedding away she barely does it - she gets her sister (same age) to do it or will suddenly go to the loo until it's finished or get our 3yo to do it!

I don't think it's her fault really. DH made the point that she's grown up having everything done for her. It's hard to know how to help really, as we don't see her every day!

I'd be patient and tackle one problem at a time then, as I do with my son.
Tell her to go to the loo, then ask her to strip her bed and make sure she does it, same with bag packing.
Your DH may well be right, it might be part of a bigger picture and making herself responsible for her personal care and possessions may take a while.
Be consistent and calm and if it really matters to you for the times she's with you, then see it as a long-term plan for behaviour modification rather than a quick fix.
You need to find something to motivate her that she enjoys, to reward her when things are done.