Socialising baby?

[Beingblonde]

My DS is 4 months old, and has become really clingy. He will only be held by me or my DH, and cries immediately when anyone else tries to get near him. I know my mum finds this upsetting, although she doesn't say anything, and I do too as he is her first grandchild and it seems he doesn't want to be anywhere near her (or anyone else!) I am pretty sure you are going to tell me this is normal behaviour for a tiny baby.. but is there any way I can try to help him to be a little bit more sociable? I took him to my workplace this week and it was terrible really, everyone wanted to hold him and he just screamed. We go out all the time to baby groups etc, and have done since he was 4 weeks old. Anyone able to help?!

He is 4 months old tiny and totally helpless! How would you feel being passed around poor thing was probably terrified. In my experience children start socialising at about 18 months if then, often later. Think you should prioritise your babies feelings over that of other adults. They are big enough and ugly enough to deal with this - he should be your concern sod them.

Thanks Kerala. I do understand that he doesn't want to be passed around, but I'd just like him to enjoy being around his grandparents a bit more. Feel like I'm not expressing myself very well!

I do understand ... but it is normal. All three of mine have been like that apart from the few people who really jiggle them / pull faces etc.

They do grow out of it around the people they know but perhaps not for a while.

DS1 even did this to DH until he was about a year old! He just wanted me. It can be especially bad if you are in sight / smell as they just want you

The more secure he feels with you the more confident he'll be about going to other people - so hold him if that's what he wants, let his grandparents interact with him from your arms. The worst thing you can do is try to force him to go to other people to get him used to it, it'll just make him more anxious.

What MUA said.

It always changes - DS was happy to be held by anyone at that age, but since about 7 months (now 13 months) he won't be held by anyone else (whether we're there or not) and won't be left anywhere without either me or DH.

It's tough on the grandparents but they just have to learn not to take it personally.

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution by Elizabeth Pantley has some good ideas, although it technically covers 6 months upward - I don't think it's classic 'separation anxiety' at this stage as he's a bit young yet.

Thanks everyone. I'm finding lots of things a bit hard at the moment and I suppose this is just another thing I didn't really expect to go badly. I thought if he sees his grandparents twice a week he'd get used to them a bit quicker I suppose. Not to worry, by all accounts he'll grow out of it! Thanks again.

Try not to think of it as going badly, just say cheerfully "he's going through one of those phases" (with a conspiratorial wink at grandma). If you^ appear confident, other people will make less of it. Just keep reassuring grandma and grandpa that he will come out of his shell eventually.

What else are you finding hard? Anything we can help / sympathise with?

Being a new mum is so hard. It is nothing like the expectations / what the adverts sell us is it!

It really does get easier . One day they will want to go to your mum, not you and then you will be upset about that

Oh I don't know Peppa, nothing and everything. Sleeping is totally erratic at the moment - he's been up every hour most nights in the last two weeks and after many weeks of going to sleep at 8, and usually doing a few hours, now can be waking constantly and randomly. I'm feeding him if it's been 3 hours since his last feed, and otherwise I just sit there holding his dummy in (he can't keep it in himself!) I'm EBF and have never really enjoyed it, and can't seem to express a decent amount despite trying at different times of day etc. So I feel very tied down and, selfishly, feel as though I could do with some time out. When I went into work last week my dept invited me to a meal out - at 5.30 in the evening - and there's no way I can go because of bedtime and feeding. DH has gone out tonight to a mutual friend's birthday party and obv I would have liked to have been there!
Oh so many things. I am prone I think to crises of confidence and I have a constant nagging feeling that I'm not doing my best for DS or that my best isn't good enough. I don't always know why he's crying and I can't get him to nap when I know he needs to. Stupid eh? Ah well. Am a bit of a pro at putting on a brave face though so will continue. DH is lovely and helps loads but has no idea that I feel like this lots of the time. I am terrible for comparing myself to other people, like other mums I meet at groups and stuff, and I always come off worse!
Now see, you made me vent! Probably a good thing!

Have you hit the 4 month sleep regression? It's very common - there's a support thread in breast and bottle feeding! My ds was very erratic between about 17-22 weeks, but we seem to be out the other side now thank god.

I know what you mean about being tied to bedtime - a baby group friend invited me to an aerobics class the other night, but it was at 6.45 so no way I could make it.

With the not napping/random crying, if in doubt I stick ds in the sling and go for a walk. Doesn't matter where - sometimes I go to Tesco twice a day just to get out of the house Crying outside is much more bearable than crying inside.

I can't express either btw, so sometimes ds gets a bottle of formula. Sometimes good enough is good enough.

All the other mums will be putting on a brave face too. We all feel inadequate most of the time. In my experience all babies seem to loose the plot and be super hard work at 4 months. Someone told me its because mentally they go through this whole developmental leap and they can't cope with it.
As for the separation thing, he's only little, he'll be ok. There is a lot going on for him at the moment and you are who he gets most comfort from so it's only you he wants.
It will pass.

It's nice to read your replies this morning, thanks! I have read about the 4 month sleep regression and guess this must be it. Last night was truly horrendous with him wide awake between 1.30 and 4.30, and awake every hour before that from 8.30. He woke for the day at 7 and DH took him, and now he's napping. He does generally nap ok in the morning, it's the afternoons when I have to pound the streets! I am going to go and put ice cubes on my eyes now!

I can remember posting on here because my dd used to burst into tears when she saw my dad and he was getting a bit upset. But yes, they are best friends now.

I completely know where you are coming from with all the guilt/inadequacy feelings. I was exactly the same.

If it's any help, I now have a lovely, confident 2.5 year old and I wonder why I spent so much time beating myself up about doing things wrong.

The very fact that you care so much about your child is an indication that you are probably doing everything right in fact.

DS1 was a horror in this respect. He cried when he went to anyone else. He didnt sleep. He whinged all day. He whinged when I held him, rocked him, smiled at him. I remember begging people to tell me why he hated me and what I was doing wrong.

He is now the loveliest, livliest and most importantly sociable 4 year old. It seems like forever at the time but they do grow out of it. They just want their mums because that is who they feel safe with. World must be a scary place for them but they know you cuddle and love them

We don't mind venting! Sleep deprivation is a killer and it feels so unfair when the rest of the world can just get on with it. I snapped at my DH earlier because he had 20 minutes to himself . I just want to be on my own (DS2 is 5 months old and similarly not sleeping). It's exhausting, make sure you take care of yourself too (ha, ha, when I know).

You are doing a fab job