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Parenting

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Original poster

I dont think I love my child

19 replies

mumintroble · 28/01/2011 19:22

I Am a regular who namechanged for obvious reasons.

My dd is 4 months old. I have had yet another argument with her father (my husband) today. I am a lone parent and have been since she was born. He has offered f all support and barely saw her (his choice) until I asked him to try and make things work out a couple of weeks ago. He then helped a bit but today we had a fight, its clear it won't work, and he's pissed off and made it clear he wants nothing to do with either of us.

I know I am a terrible person for thinking this. I do care about my daughter deeply but don't feel like I can love her as she looks so much like her father. I just see him, and he has been very cruel to me in the past. He tried to force me to have an abortion, and left when I refused. Now I almost feel like I regret that. I'm alone with a baby with health problems and have had to abandon a promising career path.

I know how selfish this all sounds. I feel ashamed. My daughter won't stop crying and I've not been able to comfort her. That makes me a terrible person. I just don't know what to do. I wonder if I have postnatal depression as I do have a history of depression in the past and pregnancy. I just can't function right now. But then I think its just the situation. Please help.

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 28/01/2011 19:28

you poor thing. you do sound very down and no wonder with such a ot of pressure on you.

could you approach your hv or gp? have youo comfided in a friend?

you are not a bad mum btw. and MANY of us have felt this way and come through

thisisyesterday · 28/01/2011 19:28

I bet you do love her really, it's just the situation you are in and the stress you are under making you feel this way.

you shouldn't feel ashamed at all, hell if you didn't love her you wouldn't even be posting here for advice would you? and i think a lot of people feel like this, especially when babies are small.

you should see your GP if you feel you may have PND, or a health visitor?

TheVisitor · 28/01/2011 19:31

Do speak to your HV or gp. You do love her, you're just reacting to your situation. It would be good to get some help and advice. It's also still very early days with the baby. xxx

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Candleshoe · 28/01/2011 19:33

I don't know how to start to help with this sort of situation but I am sure there'll be some excellent advice and support for you along soon.

Remember you are NOT required to love your child unconditionally and totally every single day - sometimes that is really, really hard thing to do. Just focus on the main thing which is simply to keep her alive - this is a much easier target to strive for, and achieve, on days when things are really rough going.

mistressploppy · 28/01/2011 19:35

It's ok. You won't feel like this forever, I promise. You WILL feel better.

I expect you do have postnatal depression. Go to the gp and tell them how you feel. If you can, print out this thread, or just your post, and show him/her - that might be easier.

You don't choose to feel like this, it just happens. You sound very sad. Please try to remember that EVERY mum feels shit when they can't comfort their crying babies, but EVERY mum has been in that situation

Original poster

mumintroble · 28/01/2011 19:38

I spoke to my gp before and they referred me to the perinatal service but that was just before I had my baby so I got a bit lost with them I think. Will try to talk to them again.

Hv has changed and I don't know who my new one is.

I do just feel so alone and unable to cope with her needs :(

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 28/01/2011 19:41

whereabouts are you? roughly? if you're near me i'll come and cheer you up! i'll bring cake and everything

is your GP open tomorrow? if so then ring and get an appt. at the same time you can ask for the contact details for the health visitor...

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 28/01/2011 19:42

dont feel ashamed, your not a terrible person!!!!!!when my ds was 12weeks and had NEVER slept more than two hours i got so overwhelmed, i genuinely frightened myself with how i was feeling. i handed him to my dp got my coat and went for a long walk at 4am in the morning, crying the whole time. i know your dp (who sounds a bit of a prick) isnt around, but do you have anyone you can ask around to watch your LO for an hour or two?just so you can get out, go some where secluded scream n cry it out, have a break?i would def go GP or HV. they wont judge and its surprising how understanding they can be.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 28/01/2011 19:44

it sounds bit cheesy but if ur desperate and have no one just to talk to consider the Samaritans.they can be quite good and sometimes just speaking to another person (esp a faceless stranger) can be quite therapeutic.

nickytwotimes · 28/01/2011 19:46

crysis can talk to you too.
i used them one night when i was at the end of my rope

softpaw · 28/01/2011 19:48

my oldest daughter so resembled my ex husband,that she seemed a constant recrimination.i so regret that those feelings came in the way of our relationship.please see her as her own person.we still find it hard to talk about..do it now x

MonkeyandParrot · 28/01/2011 19:51

Just to offer some reassurance that you are not a bad mother as i went through something simillar. I split from DD2s dad when she was 6 weeks and hated her - she was tounge tied and had gastric reflux so was always crying. I geniunely hated her for showing me what an awful mother i was. I went to my HV, moved in with my folks to get some support and slowly fell in love with DD2. She is now 1 yr and i love her unconditanly. Don't feel guilty your reaction is normal and the fact that you want to love your DD proves that you are a good mum iyswim. Ring your HV and it will get easier,

Unwind · 28/01/2011 19:55

yes, try crysis

Have you a very perscriptive parenting book - like Gina Ford or somethingalong those lines? I found that having a detailed routine to follow really helped me. I was going through the motions, but every step was spelled out, even when I was to have a drink of water or snack.

Things will get better, it is tough, very tough. My baby, many babies just scream and scream. It is exhausting, but it is not your failure that is causing that.

girliefriend · 28/01/2011 19:55

Learning to love your baby takes time and doesn't always happen overnight. I know with my dd it took a little while to go from 'caring deeply' to loving unconditionally. I'm also a lone parent and no how hard it is when your baby won't stop crying and you feel like you're going mad. Have you got family or friends near by that you can use for support. Also any children centers? It does get better - I promise!! My dd is now nearly 5 and sometimes I can make myself cry just by thinking about how much love her. Babies are such hard work and there is nothing that can prepare you for what it is like. Also all babies do look a bit like their dads imo but she will start to look more like herself - her own person soon!

WikiSpeaks · 28/01/2011 20:21

4 months is a HAAAARRDDD age. Their shiny novelty has worn off. They need you ALL the time. There's still some weeks before unbroken nights and weaning move things on.

I can really relate to your feelings towards your DD. I had excellent support but i really disliked both my children for quite a long time after I had them.

I was diagnosed with PND and taking anti depressants helped enormously. The joyless feeling would overcome me in the mornings and it was the worst feeling in the world.

Now things have moved on for me. Both my kids sleep, and although they've bothe been little buggers today I don't experience that rage I used to feel. I can look at it as a shit day at work. Take one step at a time, and please get some help!

MammyG · 28/01/2011 21:01

Cut yourself some slack! You have had a really rough time of it and in the best of situations with all the support in the world babies can be trying!
Despite everything that happened with your husband you forged on - while you were pregnant and vulnerable no less - you stayed true to yourself and you got your baby here, healthy and in one piece. You tried to make a go of things with him and you are rearing your daughter on your own and you do care very deeply for her! All things considered that is a massive achievement.
You are also sensible enough to recognize how you feel, what is going on and to reach out for advice and feed back! As you know with depression that is half the battle! Take one step at a time, breathe, and be gentle on yourself. Rope in all the support you can muster gp, hv, mums groups etc Dont even think of things like your career until you get up on your feet. Look at your daughter and see her own developing personality - one you can influence and guide. best of luck!x

Candleshoe · 28/01/2011 23:08

I agree with Unwind - I was at the end of my tether with my twin DSs.....Delerious with exhaustion and going slowly but steadily mad .... I started following Gina Ford's routines ....it really helped to have some rules to follow! It gave structure and purpose and made me feel more able to cope. They slept and fed much better once I followed the routines and so I was able to stop beating myself up for my inadequacies and I began to feel better. It is HARD being a mum...so get some help if you possibly can. xxx

Unwind · 30/01/2011 18:14

Routines really help with a colicky, constantly screaming baby. Not just because of their effect on the baby, but because you don't have that anxious guilt that maybe it is somehow your fault, because you stimulated them too much or not enough, or whatever. You know you've done your duty with a routine, so it is eassier to avoid being overwhelmed with guilt.

As the days go by it also makes it easier to figure out triggers, and adjust timings etc.

luceloo · 30/01/2011 19:13

I think every honest mother can sympathise with you, I never imagined life as a mother could be so difficult, I found it a big shock to the system and did have times where I actually thought "why why"! No one can prepare you, some people seem like they cope with parenthood but behind closed doors I think all people with children can say they have had many moments of despair!

Maybe you need to get out there, try and meet some other mums, find a support network that you clearly need.

4 months is a hard time, your still getting over the birth, getting used to having a baby that depends on you 24/7, the sleepless nights on top of all the stress with your husband can't be helping.

I admire your honesty, I think doing the dame with the doctor will help massively. xx

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