how can I help my son?

[nickschick]

My son is 15.
His girlfriend is almost 14.

His girlfriends mum died this week .

We as a family didnt know her,ds has been with his girlfriends about 4 months and has spent lots of time at the weekend with her Mum and her,this is the first person he knows to die.

He knew it was coming,she was ill and there is a story (not going into it its not relevant to ds).

Obviously the gf is very upset and her emotions are all over the place but ds is almost more upset hes really gutted.

Initially as soon as we were told, we brought him home from school ( he has health problems that stress affects -again irrelevant for this story he is simply a teenage boy),the next day as he was so distraught during the previous night we let him stay off (school knew this and were v supportive)he spent some of that time with gf and her father and family as I thought 'sharing' the emotion of the time might help him iyswim?.

He wasnt keen to go to school the next day but I insisted and he went and was ok although he was very teary apparently and did cry.

Now im of the opinion that grief takes time if he needs to cry he should but im also practical in thinking that his life must carry on and we have to carry on day to day with our life -kind of brave facing it.

We talk and hug a lot but it appears that over the last few days H has been very 'gushy' he continually asks about how ds is feeling,how the gf is and about everything- when later ds is upset and tells me and I tell H he says oh i know,thing is hes asking about stuff stirring up ds emotion then ds is brave facing it and then its all coming out .....I ask him but when I know I can drop everything and comfort him ds always knows I will listen at any time.

I think the best approach is to take it day by day but on the quiet encourage ds to carry on as normal, tbh I know its very very sad but its his gfs sadness too.

What would you do?

Just take it day by day as you've said.

Do you think he wonders if you will die? It may have brought it home to him that parents of people his age can pass away. He might never have considered it before.

Maybe you should explain that you are well and v unlikely to die.

I wouldn't keep asking how he is feeling - he'll just feel pressurised, but needs to deal with it in his own time. When DH died I hated it when came up to me, did the concerned head-tilt thing, and asked 'And how are you coping?' or 'How are you feeling?' - it felt like an invasion of privacy.

I'd say better to let him talk about it with you if and when he feels ready, in a more neutral, unstressed way, like in the car or while doing something else together.

I think getting back into normal routine is also important. My DCs went back to school four days after their father died (at their own request, though, I didn't force them), and I think it was the best thing for them.

Has the funeral happened yet? Once that's over things may calm down a bit.

Have you found Winston's Wish? It's mainly aimed at children who have been more directly bereaved (ie lost a parent or sibling) but it has some good and helpful information about children, death and grief it might be useful for you to read.

TY both for taking the time to reply,I think that he knows that her mum and i lead very different lifestyles but she was very kind to him and its just knowing that you wont see them again....

My own mum died when i was 11 so ive always been very keen to show my children that im healthy and well,I do agree with you exexpat no things arent alright but at this minute im coping always having to say how you feel drains you doesnt it?.....I tend to ask him how his day has been and take it from there - tbh dh is getting me quite cross i think if ds chooses to talk about it thats good if he doesnt then when hes relaxed ill ask him how its going.

Hes 15 and hes still my baby but im so aware of him taking and sharing a grief that isnt really his iyswim?

The funeral will i suppose be next week one of my friends expressed surprise i wasnt going....these are teenage children I didnt know her mum and its not my 'sadness' thats not to say i havent cried and felt sad about the whole situation and i will light a candle for her at church and put my usual 'gift' in the local hospices box as I do when people die.

I dont know if ds will go if he does h will go with him,I dont know if her dad will want the family together and there may not be a 'place' for my son.

thankyou again.