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"Now NO-ONE wants me"

7 replies

GeorginaA · 10/10/2005 11:34

... said by ds1 yesterday, after a lot of cooing and fussing over ds2 during grandparental visit. With ds2 changing so rapidly and doing so much at the moment it's sometimes hard for a four year old to grasp back the limelight, especially when said four year old has been quite difficult and naughty recently.

I've failed him terribly, of course. Despite all reassurances though about how much ds1's loved, the theme has carried on this morning with a long chat on the way to school.

He feels like we are always telling him off (I don't think we do - I've been very careful recently to try and ignore the bad and praise up the good and spend some extra one-on-one time with him, but obviously not enough) and that he's not wanted. I've explained that we tell him off because we care about him, that if we didn't care we wouldn't be bothered what he did, broke or whether he hurt himself (yeah, I wouldn't buy that as a four year old, either). I've given him the speech about how there's no-one else in the world quite like him and he is very special. Instead he just named another child who shares the same first name as him and has decided he should swap families with him. I've told him how upset that would make me, but I'm not sure it's sunk in.

Any suggestions gratefully received...

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
motherinferior · 10/10/2005 11:39

As the owner of another child the same age there is an element of pressing your buttons, sweetie. Also I know DD1 gets VERY riled that DD2 doesn't have to go to school and gets me on a Friday, even though she is now extremely happy at school.

But I do not underestimate the capacity of children that age (well, not my own) to know exactly what to say to wind one up.

GeorginaA · 10/10/2005 11:44

You think?

He's normally really transparent when he's trying to push the buttons and I can normally see straight through it, but it sounded REALLY heartfelt and it's fair broken my heart (did try very much not to show it and did the whole boisterous "don't be silly, you're very much loved!" routine). I just feel like I've really let him down

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Maddison · 10/10/2005 12:05

Oh GeorginaA, we had a similar thing a few weeks ago, DS1 is 4 and started reception, DS2 is now 21 weeks, and on the evening of DS1's 1st day at school he said he was being naughty because he thought we were going to leave him and forget about him. it really brought tears to our eyes and we told him all about his 'firsts' ie first steps, first smiles etc. and that if we didn't want him we wouldn't remember these times. That seemed to help us, hope it may help you too.

M x

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GeorginaA · 10/10/2005 22:40

Maybe it is school linked/aware that ds2 gets loads of time with me while he doesn't. I dunno. Thought he was getting less tired and less ratty after school and we were making progress. It's one step forward and three steps back, isn't it?

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tensing · 10/10/2005 22:44

Henry often says things like this,

bakabat · 10/10/2005 22:47

I think he's pressing the buttons as well. Ds2 has the shittest family position going (elder severely autistic ds1, and younger very cute baby brother of 9 months). Ds2 is 3. In many ways his life is shit (he;'s missed out on a lot- although because he's never had it he doesn;t realise) but he is capable of pushing the buttons when he wants to. He is a master at spotting a reaction of any sort and milking it (hence his favourite colour is pink, he has a handbag with his toy cars and train in, and autistic children do all sorts of special things, although they also get pushed out of the way a lot).

Things that help him include a special bond with my dad and an 'alone" bedtime story and cuddle (sometimes with ds2 crawling around but attention on him).

What I did find interesting was a spat betwen ds1 and my firend's autistic dd. DS2 is not that keen on his brother at face value, but during the spat he was shouting "he's autistic he doesn't understand" whilst my friend's younger ds was shouting "but she's autistic too". Very cute for 3 year olds (standing up for their elder siblings).

Tortington · 11/10/2005 01:46

things like " i am glad i can talk to you, your bro cant hold a conversation yet am so glad your around"
" let him be helpful, fetch and carry things - with a truly melodramatic - oh my goodness what would i have done without your help, i hate that you have to go to school, its so difficult when your not around."

let him stay up late on a friday and have pizza

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