Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Advice please - concerned over DGS being undiagnosed autistic

17 replies

grannybuttons · 27/01/2011 10:36

Where do I begin?

My 2yo DGS is showing signs of being autistic - I have ADHD, so I do recognize these symptoms - they are too painfully aware!
My DD is in denial over her DS being possibly autistic - in her heart, I think she knows that there is something wrong, DGS isn't even talking yet and likes to do the same thing painfully repetitively, he is below normal weight, left to feed himself at the table, consequently - most food ends up on the floor, I really do doubt if DD is aware of how little DGS actually eats; to compound matters even more, she has avoided talking DGS to welfare clinics for over 15 months now.
If I try to voice my concerns, DD just clams up and refuses to discuss the matter. I know that diagnosis and treatment is essential within a Childs first four years of life, and that I should approach authorities, but do I risk destroying my relationship with DD for ever?

Many thanks,

Lucy

OP posts:

LifeInTheSlowLane · 27/01/2011 10:45

Sorry to hear about your concerns, I'm no expert but have you posted this in special needs children? There are lots of very lovely, well informed posters over there who can offer you some good advice. The only thing I would say is that 2yrs is still quite young and children do develop at different rates - but I also know that you have to trust your instincts. Good luck

willowthecat · 27/01/2011 11:30

I don't agree that 2 is too young, far from it unfortunately. Another unfortunate reality is that there is very little real help available for developmentally delayed children but certainly getting what little there is while the child is young is the best plan. Your dd can also teach herself to be her child's teacher once the reality sinks in. I realise I am assuming a lot here and I may be wrong but you need to find a way into this situation - good luck as it is such a sensitive area.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 27/01/2011 11:53

Hi Grannybuttons,

It's touching that you're so concerned, and perhaps you're right that your grandson shows autistic traits... but I'd just like to add two things:

First, 2 year olds sometimes don't talk. You don't say if he communicates in other ways, other than talk? Also, as Lifeintheslowlane said, children do develop at differest stages & change rather radically, and there is a possibility that what you're now seeing in your GS's development is part of being a 2 year old means for him. After all, not talking can be normal for some 2 year olds, doing things repetitivelly can also be quite normal for some toddlers etc. I'm not saying he does or does not have autistic traits, I'm just saying there's no way to know unless he's assessed- often in repeated assessements- by experts.

The other thing that I think is more important is your role in this. I feel quite strongly that this is the parents' 'path' with their child, and they need to be allowed their own space to make decisions for the child, even to be in denial about their child's problems. I feel it would be really infantilizing your daughter if you were to step in. You need to allow her to do this in her own way, it's her own journey.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

0Lucylabia · 27/01/2011 11:56

Very true,

It is already like walking on rice paper - one false step and it is ruined.
I know that I should open talks with DD, but I am only too aware, that I I do, she'll get her back up, clam up and retract into her shell.

Without doubt DSIL will do the right thing and support his wife.

I hate this dilemma, which is made worse, as DGS cousin is talking non-stop, singing songs, counting past twenty and already recognises all the alphabet, and she is only 3 months older.

willowthecat · 27/01/2011 12:00

Depends what you mean by not talking - If you mean that are no words whatsoever by age 2 years then this is a potentially serious failure to meet an important milestone (by a long chalk ! as most typical children have single words by 14 months). If you mean that the child has slightly fewer words than average and is not putting them together (as almost all typical children will at this age) then it may be less serious. If you mean he is more or less age appropriate with language but has some mild delay then that will not be important in the long run. If it is the first case, then even by the standards of 'denial' this is unusual and I think some way needs to be found to tactfully mention to your dd that developmental help is needed. You can make it sound positive and really it is as the more she helps him now then the more he will develop communication.

Davsmum · 27/01/2011 12:13

Grannybutttons
SNAP ! - I have gone through exactly the same thing with my daughter and grandson, who is now 4 years old.
I noticed he was 'different' from a few months old,.. and by two he was not even trying to talk - amongst many other 'symptoms' I did mention to my daughter, when he was 2, that I feared he may be autistic and she was totally in denial that he was different in any way.
We even had rows about it, which I regret.

Eventually she mentioned concerns to her doctor and he is still being tested by various departments in the NHS, without any diagnosis yet. He can speak now - but not in a way anyone can understand very well - but he has started mainstream school.

I backed off when my daughter got upset about what I thought and eventually she started to comment to me about his 'problems'

Now you have raised your concernes, perhaps you should leave your daughter alone - because I am sure she will not forget what you have said and will,like my daughter, seek help.

willowthecat · 27/01/2011 12:15

Even by the poor standards in the UK, a child with no words by 2 years really should get picked up by a health or educational professional. Is there anyone else - nursery staff or HV who could at least get things started ?

willowthecat · 27/01/2011 12:18

I think you grans are great by the way - many GPs in my experience are the ones who will not admit a difficulty or difference (however massive it may be) in a child and will try to offer false re assurances and even get angry with the parents for pointing out the obvious in a child.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 27/01/2011 13:30

I agree with Davsmum: voicing some thought/concern once, in a gentle & sensitive way is a good thing, ie 'I've noticed this, have you also noticed this'? If your DD says 'no everything's fine' it's very important to just leave it at that.

I would not mention it again, I would leave it at that, showing respect for the parents. IME parents never forget this sort of comment- if it's given in a careful way- and usually after a while act on it & get an assessment or whatever once they are open to accepting there's an issue.

Original poster

grannybuttons · 27/01/2011 14:46

Hi Willow,

many thanks for your concerns and reply, sadly, my DGS san inimate animal noises - when shown pictures; he can respond to Dog, Cat, Lion, Cow, Pig, Lamb, Elephant and monkey, but sadly, the sound that he produces is identical for all animals.....

Lucy

OP posts:

Original poster

grannybuttons · 27/01/2011 14:50

Many thanks again,

As I have mentioned in my original reply, DD has managed to slip her DS through the normal check ups of the welfare system, she has had no HV since the age of 9 mo, I fear that even then, that in her heart, she knew that something was not right, but, maybe, because both her DH and herself are in "respectable PS middle class professions", the system has assumed that all is ok :o(

Lucy

OP posts:

Original poster

grannybuttons · 27/01/2011 14:58

Maria2007loveshersleep Thu 27-Jan-11 13:30:30

I agree with Davsmum: voicing some thought/concern once, in a gentle & sensitive way is a good thing, ie 'I've noticed this, have you also noticed this'? If your DD says 'no everything's fine' it's very important to just leave it at that.

Hello Maria,

I did try this once, and straight away DD went into denial mode and I could see the hackles rise....

DP has volunteered to voice his concerns - as he is not "blood" and therefor more neutral, but still I have concerns that this will also back fire on us.

To make it worse, her MIL is also in the health care profession and as far as we know has never mentioned any concerns what so-ever....

Lucy

OP posts:

eastendmummy · 27/01/2011 15:07

I understand how hard it must be for you and that you want the best for your dgs, but I think the best thIng you can do is to try to gently encourage your daughter to seek help with his speech delay which may then open up another diagnosis. Perhaps she's really scared of her ds being labeled? My ds is almost 3 and severely speech delayed which we are receiving therapy for (having to pay as NHS very slow to refer) but not autistic so the 2 do not necessarily go hand in hand.

I really hope you can all get the little boy the help he needs. Good luck.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 27/01/2011 15:35

Yes I completely agree with eastendummy that speech delay does not equal autism.

I think it's completely normal, ordinary & commonly found for your DD to go into what you call 'denial mode'. Either because it is indeed the case that she has, on some level, her own concerns & is unable for the moment to act on them. Or alternatively because she just doesn't see the boy in the same way you do.

Either way, I really wouldn't say anything further, nor would I encourage anyone else to do so (unless they wanted to of their own accord).

willowthecat · 27/01/2011 16:28

I agree too that there could be other issues than autism . That being said autism is now a very wide diagnosis and may not indicate what you think it indicates. Some autistic children are extremely verbal and bright whereas I have two friends locally with older non verbal children who are not diagnosed autistic. I am not trying to make a psychic diagnosis over the internet only saying that there is enough to suggest that a developmental assessment be done. If the child gets the all clear, that will be the end of it. It really won't go in a secret file and affect his future life. Having been there myself, I sympathise with parents who fear assessments and what they might say but I think that is why others have to have the courage to help them through the process.

You say he responds to animal pictures but how does he communicate his daily needs ? Will he point gesture and communicate non verbally? Are his play skills age appropriate?
It does sound as if it will be hard to broach this with her. If the DP is more able to face up to the issue then presumably they are discussing it together so hopefully some course of action will be decided.

homeboys · 27/01/2011 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

willowthecat · 27/01/2011 20:22

Sadly it is true that even the basic minimal checks are going. I think it is fine not to see an HV if your child is healthy and typically developing but if not, then where are parents supposed to go ? I did not bother about check for ds2 but he did not need the developmental check offered - it was really basic and would need a parent to push if there were issues. In an ideal world, there would be drop in clinics for worried parents - i do accept worried well could be an issue but there are ways to filter them out quickly.

Flip