Advice please! DS terrified of arguements, need to talk to him about it.

[Neenook]

First of all some background information, (this is my first post about anything remotely important so please excuse any mistakes/rambling).

DH and I have had some pretty horrific (verbal) arguements over the years which DS (8) has been witness to. He is now completely terrified whenever he percieves an arguement is about to start, even if it is simply a brisk or slightly snappy comment that has been made. He begs us to apologise and kiss and does his best to get us to make up - often this will add to the stress of the situation.

I know all this sounds terrible, but please don't flame me - I just want to help DS get over this.

DH had a particularly abusive childhood, both physically and mentally. His family often had the most horrific arguements, which became physical with people being hit, things being thrown etc and this went on in front of him throughout his childhood. Consequently he is terrified of arguements but (we have talked this through this morning) this results in him being hyper-sensitive to any percieved animosity or slight. He then panicks and demands to know what was meant by it and which actually becomes the cause of many of these arguements. He has recieved counselling and now he has told me about his family arguing like this we can work this out, but we need to address DS's fear and reaction.

DH is scared that history will repeat itself again and DS will have the same problems he has had.

We are going to talk to DS tonight, has anyone any advice how to broach the subject? I have tried before but he often clams up and tries to talk about other things. Please be nice, we are trying really hard to lay DH's past to rest.

Is DS particularly bothered by the noise, or does he worry you're going to split up?

I used to hate my Mum and sister arguing. I avoid conflict now. Intuitively I would say, tell him that the two of you have noticed he is not happy with the arguing, and that you don't think it is good either, and that its something you all want to work on improving. Work out a plan of what will happen if an argument starts - maybe talk about listening to and respecting each others opinions, tryng not to shout, if someone loses their temper they will go to another room to cool off and then come back to talk about it calmly when possible...be honest and upfront about the fact that you will all lose your tempers sometimes, but that doesn't mean anything terrible is going to happen, or that you don't love each other. Make sure he knows its not appropriate for him to try to solve an argument between the two of you, and that he does not need to try - you are the adults and you will work on it. Make some rules about how you respect each other (apologies for shouting etc, but not for having feelings, asserting parental responsibility etc). Ask him about what makes him feel angry (walking on eggshells and not expressing feelings will not be good in the long term) and talk about how he expresses it (does he write/draw?). What does he worry will happen if you argue (that someone will get hurt? that you will split up? Talk realistically about his worries. Agree to a regular family meeting to track how well you are doing making the changes. HTH Hope it goes OK

Thanks Jiminy that's really helpful, especially the bit about making sure he knows it's not appropriate for him to try to make it right, I find it really upsetting that he sees that as his role in all this. I like the idea of the family meeting too, so it shows him it's ok to talk about it and not 'sweep it under the carpet'.

Scootergrrl I'm not sure, some of his friends' parents have split up but I think he just hates the noise and the fact we appear to hate each other. He does get very distressed, but as I put in the post, he's picking up on the tiniest, unintentional thing now, like if we're late for school and I say something a bit 'briskly'. (DH would jump on this too and that's when the argument breaks out)