I'm not being cruel am I?!

[lurcherlover]

Just having a little wobble...DS is 12 weeks old and I'm trying to get him used to going to sleep in his cot rather than on me - really for his own safety, as when he wakes at night I breastfeed him sitting up in bed, and sometimes find myself falling asleep still holding him - I don't want to risk suffocating him (and I can't co-sleep safely, I'm a very deep sleeper). I now let him fall asleep on me, then put him into cot and he invariably wakes up - rather than picking him up to let him fall asleep on me again, I lean in the cot, wrap my arms round him and put my face near him, and talk to him in a soothing voice. Sometimes he goes back to sleep (good), sometimes he starts crying (not so good). If he gets into a crying frenzy I pick him up and rock him - that often settles him so then he goes back in the cot, and if that doesn't work I feed him again. But if he's only crying a bit I just keep talking/holding him til he goes to sleep. Is this cruel? I never leave him alone while he's crying, but I'm worried I'm doing controlled crying in some way, which isn't my intention at all. It's just I know if I pick him up, sit down and lay him on my chest he will fall asleep again, so in a sense by keeping him in his cot, even with physical contact with me, I am causing him to cry. Just having a wobble and worried I'm being a horrible mother

Nooo you are not being a horrible mother! You are being a totally great mother who is finding out what works best for you and your wee guy!

I remember standing for ages whilst mine sucked my finger...and I remember rattling a rain maker for hours too...All with first child. Second, I was a bit tougher. I find if you put him down, all safe warm and cosy, fed, burped etc and if he cries, then go to the loo or something...by the time you get back he will (perhaps) have settled. And he will have been alone for about 1 minute.

Beside cot. As long as he isn't proper crying (@ 12weeks),, I think soothing in other ways is fine, but I think a bedside cot would help you both alot more.

You are doing a great job and you sound lovely. I promise it all gets easier, and second a co sleeping cot - my DH took the side off a Mothercare Pure Crib and put a larger bit of MDF in so that the base extended out to meet our mattress (does that make any sense?!?! I hope so!) and DD slept there, so she couldn't get squashed - FAR cheaper than any of the 'proper' cosleeping cots I've seen.

Good luck :)

Not even remotely cruel!

No, you're not being cruel. Babies cry, and there will always be times when you have no idea why and so feel like it's your fault. Just remember that it's normal.
Also, at some point he will need to learn to sleep in his cot, he can't sleep on your chest forever (although my DS2 who is now 4 would like to!)(clarification: that is, sleep on my chest, not yours...). Therefore, at some point you will have to go through this difficult step, and in my experience it's always a lot easier to do it sooner rather than later - before he develops real stamina for the crying, and a lot louder cry!

Course you are not cruel !
You are trying to find a way that works for you. He is only 12 weeks old
Babies cry - for allsorts of reasons and you will soon work out when its ok to let him cry and when its best not to.

aw, babies cry, don't worry! if he was your second he'd have to cry while you sort dc number one out on occasion, and he's so lucky to have such a hands on mother! Bedside cots are fantastic, would fully recommend.

Thanks for the reassurance everyone. It's just people say you shouldn't try implementing any kind of sleep routine until 6 months, so I was worried I was somehow psychologically damaging him by not letting him sleep how he wants (ie on my chest!)...it does seem to be working though and he does usually settle quite quickly in his cot now. I really like bedside cots but all the ones I've seen are so expensive! I'm reluctant to shell out £200 or so when we've already spent enough on the cot at John Lewis. How long to babies stay in them? If he could be in it for a few months I'd be tempted, but if he would outgrow it in a month or so it doesn't seem worth it at this point (he's already outgrown his Moses basket - he's a very long baby, filling 3-6 month clothes already and is going to need 6-9 sleepsuits very soon). If it's not worth it for this one I've already decided I'll be getting one for my next DC!

Of course you're not cruel, you are being a loving,caring mother who wonders if she is doing the 'right' thing. Follow your instincts and don't worry, we all had times when we doubted ourselves and our abilities as mothers, but it all turns out fine in the end. I found that putting an item of my clothing in my baby's cot with her calmed her down. Now that she is 7 she still sometimes falls asleep hugging a T shirt or sweater of mine :)

If your cot's pretty much the same height as your bed you could just take the side off it and push it up against your bed - that's all bedside cots do! Then when they go into their own room you put the side on again and they are like normal cots - same size as a normal one.

If the height is different you could try blankets under the cot mattress or bricks under the legs or something maybe? Or sell your cot and buy a bedside one - they last the same length of time, my dd is 2.9 years old and is still in hers.

HTH

Bless! he is a lucky boy to have a mum like you!
Its your job to do a certain amount of training and teaching him how to sleep is one. There are a lot of things he will prefer and you will have loads of habits to break - its all par for the course. You are doing it in a loving and caring way. It may not be the comfort he wants but you ARE comforting him. He will grow up knowing that he may not always get his way but his mum will be there and help out!

I have found in loads of ways the gradual withdrawal approach so much better for the child. Its a long process for you but its gentle, supportive and loving.