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Parenting

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Original poster

BF is the first to have a baby - how can I support her?

18 replies

Molton · 08/10/2005 01:11

BF is the first of our group to have a baby - due Dec. Don't really know what to expect - she is the guinea pig . What can I do to support her particularly in the first few months? What do new mums need from their friends? (regular visits, shoulder to cry on, gin?)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ScarySkribble · 08/10/2005 01:14

To tell them to sit on there butts and make the coffees, do some ironing etc, don't let her tidy up run about daft.

Most visitors end up cooing over baby while the new mum has to attend to them

dramaqueen72 · 08/10/2005 01:29

god yes, make a casserole (or something) after shes had the baby, take it round so she hasnt got to worry about dinner or crap takeaways for one night. dont comment on the mess. offering to do the ironing or something helpful would be lovely....
listen to her go on (and on) about the birth. tell her shes really wonderful and clever, and that the baby is beautiful. regular visits to see her, just for a moment -not over crowding her, make the coffee and give her some adult company time no gin, just yet.....

before the baby, support is listening to her latest rant (us pg ladies are not very rational towards the end.....) and agreeing with her. bringing her chocolate and helping her carry/lift or whatever she needs.

now if only my friends could read that!!!
oh and tell her to come on here too, we have a very friendly chatty due in dec thread

Chandra · 08/10/2005 02:18

During the first week it's a bit complex, you can offer to do some shopping for her but try to limit visits and phone calls to a minimum for the simple reason that she might be busy with the baby or if she is not, she may be longing for a good nap before the next feed

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auntymandy · 08/10/2005 07:14

When DP has gone off to work offer to watch baby so she can have a bath/shower. First time mums are reluctant to leave their babies unattended, so this would be a godsend!

Nik72 · 08/10/2005 07:31

Tell her the baby is gorgeous (even if they look like a teabag with a wig on).

Tell her she looks like she's losing baby weight already.

She'll need most support if her dp goes back to work. I was having a rotten time at 4 weeks and by then the visitors had dried up and felt very alone.

Buy a gift for her & not just the baby.

worriedfriend · 08/10/2005 07:33

This reply has been deleted

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Sabella · 08/10/2005 07:33

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auntymandy · 08/10/2005 07:35

will a first timer let you do this?!

worriedfriend · 08/10/2005 07:35

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auntymandy · 08/10/2005 07:37

suggests nights in too at each others houses so baby can come too

auntymandy · 08/10/2005 08:04

cook some meals for the freezer

jacobsmummy · 08/10/2005 09:06

Molton, the very fact that you have even posted this thread proves what a truly wonderful friend you are.

(pmsl at the 'teabag with a wig on' comment)

Offer to take away some ironing, walk the dog, and yes def. sitting with baby while she has a nap/shower, good idea!

Original poster

Molton · 08/10/2005 09:10

Thanks everyone. Pls. keep the ideas coming as it's great to hear from those that have been there. Thinking of offering to do the up every few hours bit with them New Yrs eve (keeping the hot choc flowing rather than the champagne this year!) Suspect one night of this will put paid to my notions of it all being Baby Gap and gurgling on a rug....
p.s. Thanks Dramaqueen - will get her to join up

OP posts:

highlander · 08/10/2005 13:41

for the first month, take them round a casserole/shepherd's pie once a week (or anything that can be bunged in the oven). If everyone in your group does that, she will be soooooooooo grateful.

Ditto household chores - she will probably feel uncomfortable handing the baby over, even to good friends.

For the first few weeks, stay away. Just go round for a few minutes to drop off food etc. Mum and dad will be exhausted and really not up to socialising.

Rainbow · 08/10/2005 13:45

Don't be 'the visitor' make yourself at home. make the coffee, help with odd jobs etc.
Generally be there for her, to talk to, to babysit, to help out. Ask what she needs doing. It when the fuss dies down (after approx. 2 weeks) that she will need you most.

rubles · 09/10/2005 05:48

What a lovely friend you are.

Speaking from my experience I would have appreciated getting the following from good friends:

A present for me after birth to say well done me. something not baby/mother related. a feminine, nice, treat.
Maybe another present idea would be a little book of I.O.Us that she can cash in when she is ready - like 'one hour of cleaning' 'one hour of gardening' then for later 'one night babysitting' and any other favours that you think she might appreciate.
Give her the opportunity to say that she needs to be alone or it is not convenient for you to come round and don't be sensitive to this as it is not personal, she will just be feeling like her world is turned upside down
Be prepared for her to take a bit of time before feeling comfortable leaving her baby with someone else. If she is breastfeeding, the baby may well be permanently glued to her breast so she may not be able to leave it anyway. Or she may be a bit jittery.
Hang in there with her because she might seem to have changed. She might be really preoccupied and not quite a live wire - but she will be her old self again, at some point. She will desperately need and appreciate good friends around like you who can make her laugh and make her feel like a person in her own right.
Tell her she's a 'natural' mother...that she seems made for it...that she seems so good at it..tell her she seems so calm and in control. Tell her she makes it look so easy. All that kind of thing because she won't be feeling it, I'll bet you anything.

That's my four penneth because that is the sort of thing that I either needed but didn't get, or that I really appreciated when it happened.

It's touching that you are think about it this hard. If she just realises that you are trying to be a good friend to her that will be a massive help in itself.

GillL · 09/10/2005 16:05

Go round during the day to watch the baby while she catches up on lost sleep. My mum did this and it was a god send.

chocolatequeen · 09/10/2005 16:16

Think that sometimes you have to be really insistent - I remember a friend coming round who was desparate to help me with ironing/cleaning etc, but I was being very stubborn and not letting her because I thought it was a sign that I couldn't cope with everything! Now, I would grab any offered assistance with both hands!!

One great friend turned up with: glossy magazines, newspaper from baby's birth date, some bits and pieces for the baby, book of first class stamps and some pretty notelets, fresh pasta and sauce from our favourite italian deli, a chocolate cake and a voucher for a massage for me! She also offered to take some photos of all three of us, which we hadn't actually thought of, but they are now very cherished piccies!
HTH

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