How to stop dd (9) talking to me like sh**t

[WhereamI]

She can be a lovely child at times but over the past 18 months has started to use a tone of voice which I consider disrespectful and at times downright rude. I pick her up on it every time and have sent her to her room, got angry, told her off in public (which she doesn't like but which I am prepared to do).
It doesn't seem to improve. She is not always like this, especially when she wants something (lol!) but it's getting me down and I wonder if anyone else has used strategies that have worked? I really really don't want her to enter teenagerdom speaking like this or else we are going to clash terribly

could you tell her how it makes you feel? Not in a guilt trip way, but just explain, when you talk to me like that you hurt my feelings - is that what you want to do?

You could also ask her how she would feel if you spoke to her disrespectfully.

I would probably also check that nothing else was bothering her - problems at school that sort of thing, again by asking her if there is anything she wants to talk about.

hth

How about completely ignoring her when she speaks badly to you - ie feign deafness and only respond when she asks nicely.

thanks BS - I hve done that on occasion - indeed she saw me in tears once over it.

APisinTW, I've wondered about the ignoring strategy - but does that actually work if she made a statememt instead of asking for something? I could ignore requests if she wanted smthng until she spoke in a nicer tone, but if she just comments 'stupid' under her breath (loud enough for me to hear tho), doesn't ignoring it sort of says it's fine to say it?

I have always found it works. She is doing it to get a reaction out of you, she will give up (maybe not instantly) when she finds she doesn't get one.

Think I'm a more punitive parent (I dock ds 5p off his 50p pocket money for excessive whining!) but the more positive approach outlined by basking sounds good.

whereami - i think the stupid comment would really rile me. Could you have a chat about treating people how we would like to be treated ourselves, in a general way, not just about you.

Remember you are not doing her any favours if she regularly speaks to you nastily. She needs to know that what she does and says has consequences. If she has only seen you cry once, that would be easy for her to dismiss. I would try to chat to her about it when you are quite happy together doing something else. Car journeys can be good times for these chats. Let her talk, listen to her responses and model the behaviour you want from her.

I have got a dd who is 9 next month by the way.........

thanx for all the responses. She doesn't treat other people like this. In fact , I'd go so far as to say she is cautious about hurting other people and is very lovely. During quiet times, I have broached the subjetc of why I get cross with and she understands and says she will try not to do x,y,z...but then forgets in the heat of the moment

My dd has had phases like this, but at the moment is lovely so hopefully your dd will come out of it too.

What works with my dd (also 9) is a structured pocket-money incentive, with money earned for being kind and polite and helping me etc, and money lost for not doing chores and for being rude. I give her a warning first - I say something like "check your tone, please" if I sense she's getting into arsey territory.

This obviously only works if a child is motivated by rewards. It wouldn't work with my ds for example.

I think people have different standard they consider acceptable too, and I know my dd observes her friends anc copies sometimes - this can work both ways. She has one friend whose parents don't tolerate any eye-rolling, let alone speaking rudely. I don't like the eye-rolling either, but I am prepared to ignore it.

then include yourself with the other people - no-body likes to be spoken to with a lack of respect and that includes me dd

My DSD is 9 and was increasingly slipping into this type of behaviour. My approach is to:

1. stay calm with a reasonable tone of voice
2. explain that her tone (not necessarily what she's saying, depending what it is) comes across as rude / disrespectful etc..
3. ask her if she can think of a 'nice' way of expressing teh same thing

It's worked every time. She doesn't mean to upset people, she's just not mature enough to think through everything she says before it erupts from her mouth! Difficult to stay calm every time though...

My DD is the same but I have no advice to give

I tell her it is not nice she will listen, then it be back to her moods soon after

I was amazed in the what do you let your kids get away with thread that some people do not mind their kids swearing, I punish her regularly for swearing but it makes no difference

my dd would never dare swear (tho we do on occasion so nt gd role models :(

it's her tone and answring back I find difficult

Hopefully she will come out of it the othr side

How do you talk to her? I always try to use and even tone when dealing with my LO's and if I do lose my temper (I am human after all!) and shout/say something inappropriate in the heat of the moment I will always apologise. I think leading by example is a biggie.

My Sd is 11 and she has a fiery temper at times. I have found it helpful to talk through what is acceptable and unacceptable when she is annoyed. For example if she feels furious with me and her Dad about something, she knows it is fine to write us a letter (that we will never see) venting her anger but it's not ok to shout it all at us as she stomps up the stairs.

I think as they approach their teens and beyond you have to accept that that will have strong opinions about things and sometimes they will feel like they hate you, you're unreasonable/an idiot/unkind or whatever but they need to learn how to handle that appropriately.

I might say to DH "I will kill them" for example but it doesn't mean I actually would. Of course I would never say it to the children self control and restraint are skills that need to be taught imo.

I would definitely introduce consequences if it continues but try to be fair - maybe when DD is calm you can agree the boundaries and consequences together?

My daughter is almost 10 and sounds very similar. She goes through phases of talking to me like crap, but she's an angel for everyone else and at school(for which I'm very grateful/glad, obviously). The fact that she behaves everywhere else is reassuring because it means she's not one of those children who are consistently rude and full of attitude.

I usually tell her that it upsets me when she speaks to me like that, and that therefore I'd prefer not to be in the same room as her until she can speak to me properly. I don't lose my temper or raise my voice. I just calmly ask her to leave the room, or tell her that I will be leaving the room myself. I don't tend to punish her, as to be honest I'd prefer my children to feel able to express themselves without fear of punishment, but I do let her know that it's unacceptable. Once she's thought about it, she's always very contrite and apologetic.

I think it's worth distinguishing between using an unpleasant tone and answering back. My dcs are allowed to disagree with me, even to question my decisions, but I have spent a lot of time trying to teach them how to do so in a civilised manner. After all, I do not want to bring up the kind of person who blindly accepts what they are told- but I don't want them to be rude and aggressive either. It helps when they get old enough to see that polite arguing actually gets better results. You may call it manipulative, but manipulation skills are needed in life.

I do think is vital to be a good role model though. Which means I do not swear in their presence and I try (most of the time) to model calm and polite ways of getting my viewpoint across. And do I try to make sure I never use rude eye-rolling or a bitchy tone of voice when speaking about other people in their presence.

DNeice is like this with her mother - it's awful to see/hear and I've pulled her up about it a few times because her mother doesn't.

I hate it when family members aren't courteous and kind to each other.

OP I have one of those. If she relies one more time with a sentenced ending in 'duh' she'll be on borrowed time. She is delighful to everyone else outside the home but a madam to dh and myself and her poor little bro (not such an innocent). When I tell her she makes me quite upset she apologises. I think she thinks she's witty and smart acting like this .

My ten year old god daughter is like this - and I hate it when her parents say nothing when she has been horribly rude to them in front of me.

I really want them to nip it in the bud now before she becomes a foul mouthed teenager.

Her mum has been hauled up to the school several times to discuss her DD's 'attitude' to her teachers so she is aware of it.

purpleandpink/cory - I should try to speak to her in a more even tone but have failed miserably at this. I suspect we are very similar in that when she pushes me, the crossness is very apparent in my voice - it's just that I can't stand this rudeness.
I do want to nip it in the bud, though perhaps I should let her do (mostly) the thngs she wants to do (ie. I wonder if I say 'no' too often and should be more flexible in accommodating her wants). It's not that I always ignore these but I'm just mindful of the broader picture (I work and she has a sister to think about too)