I'm so bloody annoyed with DH - why can't he do it?

[designerbaby]

Just have to rant - I'm currently 'back at work' 10 months after having our DD2. As she's still settling in at nursery, I'm doing my 3 days work in the evenings and at weekends. The deal is that DH will therefore help by making some of the meals and looking after DD1 and DD2 on Saturdays so I can work.

It's 1pm, and I've not yet managed to do any work today. DH calls me this morning to help because DD2 won't eat her breakfast. He calls me to come and watch them while he has a shower. He fannies around making calls about car insurance while leaving DD2 to scream unattended in her playpen. Come 11am I come down to find that both children are still in their pyjamas and DD2 has a filthy nappy. All the debris from breakfast is everywhere and DH is on his laptop.

I remind him that lunch needs to be at 12 at the latest otherwise DD2 will be too tired. I get lunch out for both of them and tell DH what they'll be having. At 12.30 I go downstairs because I hear sreaming only to find that lunch isn't ready for either of them and DD2 is crying with tiredness. She's now too tired to eat, and even when I tried she's refusing anything.

Because I've been working in the evenings, no ironing has been done, no housework. If DH makes the dinner he leaves the washing up for me which I end up seeing to at about 11.30pm - I was doing this the night before last while DH slept on the sofa in front of the TV.

It's not that he's generally lazy - he has quite a high pressure job and often used to work in the evenings on his laptop - since I've been a housewife for the best part of a year he's kind of gotten used to not having to do anythign around the house, I guess.

But I'm SO that he couldn;t prioritise the DDs this morning, allow me to work and make sure they had what they needed when they needed it. It's not f-ing rocket science, is it - particularly when I've told him what needs to happen and when.

Just .

I would have imagined that given he has ONE lousy day a week with them, that he might have thought of something nice to do with them - take them somewhere - then I wouldn't have minded if the house was a tip if the DDs were at least having fun. BUt no. They're sitting in front of CBeebies in their pyjamas at 11am, while he does heaven knows what on his laptop.

Am I expecting too much??? Really?????

... and breathe...

I really need to work now, but had to let that out first...

db
xx

Stop telling him what they need, when they should eat and getting it ready. Stop coming down while he has a shower. Does he come when you have a shower?

Leave him to it. Leave the house if you can. Or put on headphones very loudly with music playing.

You keep 'rescuing' him so, of course, he's not going to try very hard.

I agree with Tee2072. You also need to tell him though that he has to do more generally, like if he cooks dinner he needs to clean up to if you're going to be working.

It will probably take him a little while to adjust though. As you say he will have gotten used to you do most of it.

I juat gave him a general picture of what happens and when with the DDs - particularly DD2 as she's only little... I'm more rescuing the DDs rather than DH - don't see whay they should suffer./have a crap time.

I'm more upset that he wouldn't prioritise them above other crap today - he doesn't see much of them... And that he's happy to just let DD2 scream and DD1 zombie in front of the TV on the one day he's looking after them...

db
xx

Can you sit him down and explicitly explain, the night before, what he needs to do and when? I gave DH a timetable the first time he looked after DS. tell him why he has to do it that way eg DD gets tired/hungry etc.

Aaaahhh! Not just me then! I have forgotten how many times I have thought "how feckin difficult is it to empty the bath water/put the nappy in the bin/clear the food off the floor etc ad nauseam" when my DH looks after our 2 DC.

But....have to agree with the other posters - you just have to grit your teeth, ignore the mayhem and let him figure it out for himself.

What you can do though is keep repeating what you are already telling him - nap times, food times etc and why it is important that he sticks to the routines. I have the same thing with the washing up too btw! My DH cooks me a lovely meal every evening but by christ the MESS!! I actually find myself dreading him cooking certain much loved meals because I know it creates bedlam in the kitchen and he won't tolerate me clearing up as he cooks - meaning I get left with a bombsite at 10pm to clear up.....but I have explained this and 3 out of 5 times he does try to clear as he goes or offers to do the washing up himself (neither of which meet my exacting standards naturally!)

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone....

Deal with it sooner rather than later. If you keep bailing him out (and I can see why you do), he won't ever do his share and you will become more and more miserable and resentful. It's tricky though because, as you say, you are rescuing the DC more than DH (being left in a dirty nappy is no fun).

Perhaps try to find a quiet time with just the two of you and explain to DH that children involve a LOT more work than you or he ever anticipated and that it will not be good for either of you if the vast majority falls to you. Ask him why he thinks most mothers go off sex...it is because they are TOO TIRED!

My DH is really good but he also tends to leave things that I do as I go along so that we;'re not left in complete mess later, nappies in the bin etc. He also has a habit of going on the laptop when with DS which drives me mad, but none of this is out of laziness or nastiness, he can just be a bit rubbish! Unfortunlately you have to spell it out to him very very clearly! Explain why CBBeebies is only to be used if completely necessary, that routine is vital for many many reasons and not just because you like it. Also refuse to come downstairs to help him when you are working unless it's an emergency. He needs to act as if you are out of the house at work, so he really can't call on you as you are in fact not there.

I do the majority of the housework as I am at home more often (work part time and DS takes good naps still) BUT I leave stuff for DH to do when he has time or at the weekend as it's not all my responsibility, he lives here too. We've also got into a routine where he takes DS out at least one if not both mornings sat and sun so they get to spend some quality time together and I get time to clean (as today) or just have some "me" time.

Unfortunately if the dad is used to the mum doing most of the childcare and housework, it can take a long time for them to get up to speed with those skills when they take over the roles. Be clear and firm, and you should get there, good luck!

agreed that you need to spell this out to him very clearly and also refuse to help. leaving the house sounds like a plan too. But here are some other suggestions:

tell him if he wants a shower on a Saturday he either has to get up before the DCs do to have one or wait til they've gone to bed.

hide/confiscate his laptop. tell him you sold it to pay for a cleaner.

don't do any ironing (seriously, what's the point anyway?)

make him read "What Mother's Do" by Naomi Stadlen and refuse certain marital benefits until he does

good luck!

oh gawd,, my DD is only 8 weeks old and today was the first time I've cried since having her for very similar reasons. I adore DH and he is very, very good with her generally but still, somehow, I'm always in charge; how can this be!!!

I try really hard not to be constantly diving in, but when he's got her for a bit when he comes in from work and she's crying and has been for the past ten minutes, I come upstairs and have a look and he's sat on his computer half-heartedly jiggling her on his knee: if you want her to stop crying, pay her some bloody attention - bounce her, sing a song etc and she will shut up and you will both be happier. I have tried to explain that I am physically incapable of leaving her to cry and not trying to find out what's wrong/sort it out.

And the washing up/cleaning stuff also applies; he just doesn't see what needs doing. I feel really mean ranting about him and have been keeping a lid on it because he is just so lovely and trying very hard and I'm probably being very unfair.

Must try and calm down and go and talk to him as I think I've just really upset him as we usually talk about stuff and I've just stropped off to have a bath (but there was no hot water so stropped silently in bathroom and then locked myself away on here to calm down). DD also screaming the house down. Gaah.
Apologies for rant

can you write him out the girls normal routine/ideas for days out/ activities for inside the house (reading,playdoh etc)/time limits for CBEEBies/cleaning jobs that need doing and then just shut yourself away with a 'busy' note on the door and let him deal with everything. Don't answer your phone, don't read texts, and don't wash up or anything. Pre-warn him this is what you are doing and that he should give his attention to the kids and not the lap top - you can't help him out. Tell him that this is his day with them and he should make it special and keep on top of the house. Dismantle the play pen if nes.

I agree that you need to work elsewhere. It will annoy you less and he can get on with finding his system (if this is what he's doing!)

It's not just you . And if I knew the answer, I'd share it with you .

My DH has DS (3) and DD (1) on his own for 2 full weekends in 6 as I'm a shift worker and do 12 hour shifts on weekends, as well as a when I'm on late shifts. I've given up on trying to 'tell' him what to do, although I still have to leave pre-prepared meals if I want them to have anything other than sandwiches or beans on toast.

I agree with other posters - try to leave the house and leave him to it. Less stressful for you that way if nothing else!

And this will really surprise you: when men become the lone parent after the mother of their baby has died, or walked off, or whatever - they manage J U S T F I N E. Honestly, yes they do. Nappies and housework and everything.
Just as soon as you silly cows relinquish some contol and let them get on with it.

Ah, wait til the secret weapon is brought out: him mum. wheneber i leave dh with dcs (not v often, never more than a couple of hours and that is once in a blue moon) .... he rings up his mum to ask if she wants to come up and see the dcs, and dh is then sat fucking about on his laptop sorting nothing in particular out

Lenin - Not suggesting that sandwiches or beans on toast are a crime. I love both, and will serve them up myslef too, just not for lunch ^and dinner both days over a weekend

I have learned the hard way that I need to leave dh to it. It is his time with ds, he is an equal parent and it is up to him to look after him when I am not there. And mostly, he manages fine, he doesn't do things the way I would, but we are not the same person and he is forging his own relationship with ds. He puts the tv on more than I would, but he also plays with him more vigourously which ds loves. I'd shut myself in a room and leave him to it, hard as it is.

I find it hard to leave DH and DD together when I'm in the house but touch wood things are improving - I had an hour long bath the other day and I could hear DH actually trying (and succeeding!) to stop DD crying, which is a big improvement on a few months ago when I would frequently find the scenario mentioned by Goldrill - the half-hearted jiggling while on laptop, aarrgghh!

I am going out for the afternoon and evening next week - it will be the longest time that DH and DD have spent together (without a doting granny there to take over). I am interested to see whether food will be provided and bedtime routine done but I have decided not to leave instructions - he really has to figure it out!

OMG have you stolen my DP. I have no advice all I can say is I had a breakdown (depression) just before Christmas. My DP was advised I needed to be left in peace to rest and he needed to take over my jobs over Christmas. He was off work so I though he would be fine, I was unable to help due to feeling so bad and two weeks I later I had 8 black bags of washing, and I had to work 12 hours a day for 4 days cleaning to get things back. He hadn't cleaned the bathroom or upstairs at all . I have come on looking to steal some of your answers sorry .

OK, you say you told him what he needs to do - did you actually write it down? How about a list of essentials, e.g. 'lunch at 12'?

Not sure what you can do about the dirty nappies and laptop time though, it seems like micromanaging to write on the list "change dirty nappies", "don't ignore screaming", "don't faff about on the laptop while looking after DCs"..... He should know this stuff!