Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

I just told my son to hit back...

21 replies

BlueberryPancake · 21/01/2011 13:49

I'm feeling terrible. I have two boys and both are very soft and gentle and have never been in this phase of hitting and scratching or pushing.

DS1 is now 5 and he is often picked on at school. Other boys call him names and he came back yesterday with a black eye because another boy (the teacher/head teacher know that this boy has serious behaviour problems) wacked him.

I have always told my kids not to hit back, to speak to me instead, or to tell the teacher straight away. But today I lost it.

I told him to hit back - and also, another thing, my DS2 who is 3 (he has a severe speech development problem) was hit today at nursery. Teacher told me that he was crying and someone hurt his tummy but they couldn't get out of him how it happened or who did it. When at home and calm, he told me that a girl kicked him in the tummy. I told him that next time, he should hit back. He laughed at the idea, but I repeated myself - hit them back.

To be honest I am tired that both my boys are tolerant at other pushing, punching, kicking, and they get away with it and don't change their behaviour.

I do feel bad and I know it's probably not the best thing to say but I am a bit fed up. I feel that many parents out there, as well as teachers, are too soft on children who are agressive. DS1 got kicked in the stomach once in a playground (by the same boy I mentioned above) and all his dad said was "No, don't do that" and the boy was not punished for his action. He apologised but in a very 'casual' way. I find this very difficult to accept.

I don't know what the consequences of this will be for my boys but I am fed up with them being pushed around.

OP posts:

kitbit · 21/01/2011 13:55

It's a really tough one. ds is 6, and we've been down the same road - try everything you can and if nothing else works that's what you have to do.

When he was smaller there was a child in his nursery group who pinched, not just him but everyone. We told him to yell "DON'T PINCH ME!!" at the top of his voice if she did it so that he could alert the staff easily and hopefully put her off doing it again. It sort of worked, but it did work on a boy in Reception last year who kept hitting. He just went on to hit someone else instead , but at least the technique worked.

So, we try to reinforce the message that do everything you can, but if it's not working and nobody is helping you are entitled to defend yourself.

0karen · 21/01/2011 13:57

I tell my girls tat it is OK to hit back!

kitbit · 21/01/2011 13:58

Oh, and when parents refuse to pick their own child up on this stuff I have no compunction about stepping in myself. The most important thing is that ds feels that there is some justice and it might make me unpopular but I hate it when someone's little prince is pulling the arms off another poor child and all mummy or daddy can do is tip their head on one side and say "Oh Archibald let's not do that". grrrr

TheCrackFox · 21/01/2011 14:08

I know I will get flamed for this but sometimes hitting back is the best thing. It isn't so much fun picking on someone who sticks up for themselves.

mumblechum · 21/01/2011 14:09

I think you did the right thing. The only way to deal with bullies is to whack them back.

hana21 · 21/01/2011 14:12

my son started school in sept he was only 4 in july and feel they are so young to be at school. My son is by no ways perfect, but he is so honest if he does something he tells you. I have just found surprisingly so many dishonest 5 yr olds! It sounds awful i know but i witnessed one of them be horrible to my son and then just lie to the teachers face. I find the really naughty ones are also the ones that tell, my son will never speak up but comes home bruised but the one time he pushed the boy back i get the teacher telling me about it , its so hard.

togarama · 21/01/2011 14:24

We were always taught by my parents that proportionate violence in self-defence was acceptable. It seemed an effective response when we were kids and I'll tell 2 year old DD the same thing when she's older.

lionheart · 21/01/2011 14:42

I tell children it's only okay as a last resort, or in a crisis situation.

Pacifism can disempower.

Feliena · 28/01/2011 00:02

im going to tell mine that he should hit back but he should never hit anyone unless they hurt him first

BluddyMoFo · 28/01/2011 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 28/01/2011 09:36

I have known hitting back to go wrong. The assumption is always that the bully will get frightened and back off. But what if the bully is stronger than your child and hits back much harder...

I think this is something that needs to be dealt with by the school: the teacher and lunchtime staff need to be told to look out for your ds, your ds needs to be told to tell an adult immediately, all the other children need to be told that they must run and get an adult if anyone is being hurt or frightened. This last advice was drummed into children at ds' infant school and it was excellent- it meant that when one of the boys did get aggressive (though I wouldn't call him a bully, just unhappy)- the other children intervened and ds didn't have to do it all on his own.

OneLieIn · 28/01/2011 09:42

Agreed, you are doing the right thing.

What sort of child do you want? One who is meek and turns the other cheek?

Or one who can stand up for themselves when they need to?

I hope he whacks really hard (then the bully might stop) but be prepared to get hauled into nursery or school a few times

MrsGravy · 28/01/2011 09:59

Well, I sypmathise with you and I can see how a parent would end up giving that advice. BUT I agree with Cory that it can backfire, it can ramp up the situation and get your own kids into trouble. You can also get them to stand up for themselves without resorting to violence. My DD is pretty soft and I found her being pushed around a bit - nothing too bad - but I have taught her to shout, loudly 'NO! Don't you DARE hit/push me!' or words to that effect. SOmetimes that's enough to scare an aggressor off, sometimes its loud enough that the teacher is alerted to the situation. I've also made sure she knows that it's completely out of line for anyone to treat her that way and she should always, always tell a grown up.

Davsmum · 28/01/2011 10:49

It seems to be the policy in schools now that children must not hit back, and in a lovely nice world where bullies were actually dealt with - that would be great.

I think if the child's reaction is to hit back, then they should. SOme children though are too scared to and should not be told to.

My daughter told my grandson to hit back when some boys were bullying him because despite repeated visits to the school/teacher she just kept getting told that the bullies were from troubled families and we should try to 'understand' ???!!

All I know is, from experience,.. if you react quickly to a bully - in a determined way - they tend to leave you alone and pick on someone else !

Rainbowbubbles · 28/01/2011 12:02

Good advice about shouting out, i didn't think about that! I tell my daughter to hit them back but will tell her about that.

I started off life in a rough school where you would either stick up for yourself and fight or end up in a&e...lovely. Anyway that actually made me. Mom then sent me to a "nice" school where they attempted to bully me, well i did warn her to back off several times before knocking her out sounds harsh but do you think anyone picked on me again? No.

I've had people attempt to pick on me in the work place, well as sweet and lovely i may look and sound I gave them a serious verbal warning that they never imagined would come from me (i'll leave that to your imagination).

Another thing my hubbie says is to pay some older kids to look out for him/her - it does work for older kids. Failing that then god help the father of who's kid is picking on his child it either stops or he'll get the same.

It's a shame it can be such a nasty dog eat dog world out there but it starts young and although i live in a lovely area, daughter goes to private school and I have a pretty little accent, don't under estimate me I've got a huge backbone and will instil that in my dd too

Good luck! x

coatgate · 28/01/2011 12:11

Phew - what a relief, opened this thread imagining that you would be flamed, but everyone seems to agree so far.

We often tell our DD to fight fire with fire. Take yesterday - naughty girl but also teacher's favourite as parents have restaurant and give out freebies, threw ball down school stairs which hit my DD in the mouth and made her lip bleed. DD told teacher who said 'Oh never mind, at least it was a soft ball'. No reprimand for ball throwing girl. DH told DD she should have stuffed ball in said girl's mouth!

I was picked on repeatedly by a horrible girl in my class, until one day I pushed her out of the way, she fell over, never bothered me again.

Maybe we should all move over to the thread about the German school fight arena

SleepWhenImDead · 28/01/2011 12:44

We are in a very similar scenario, made worse by the fact that DS1 has known the boy from birth and his mum and I are reasonably good friends. However I don't think it will be clear to him what the "rules" are of hitting back, it would be too confusing and I think might lead to him becoming more aggressive to other children. However I don't know what I should say he should do rather than say "don't push me" or "I don't want to play with you anymore" or "you're not my friend anymore". I hear stories of what happens at preschool and I hate that I'm not there to make sure there's some justice. I too am surprised that so many posters have agreed with hitting back. Where do you draw the line if that's the rule?!

saythatagain · 28/01/2011 12:50

Once upon a time I would have said 'no, two wrongs don't make a right'....fast forward to now - dd (aged 6) Y2, coming across some children just like you've mentioned (boys & girls); I've told her to hit back and do it twice as hard . Bullying is wrong, wrong, wrong.

coatgate · 28/01/2011 13:29

Sleep - I think those of us who are advocating hitting back on here are the ones with the children who clearly don't stand up for themselves physically. Encouraging them to be a bit more 'physical' will hopefully not turn them into little bruisers!

skybluepearl · 28/01/2011 23:38

I don't agree with telling them to hit back either but my son is being picked on by a very angelic looking autistic 4 year old and i have had the same thoughts. The boy tends to try and strangle my childs neck - or try to poke eyes with intent to hurt. I've done quite alot of role play with my son. I've told him he should push the 4 year old away hard and loudly/firmly state NO, leave me alone. Then find an adult and tell them whats happening. Really the school needs to deal with it though.

cory · 29/01/2011 09:53

Just for the record, I don't actually agree, coatgate .

Having seen how well things can get sorted out when a good school does deal with the problems effectively (and how badly things worked in the old days, when we were just left to deal with it ourselves), I would be in there complaining like mad if the school were not implementing a reasonable anti-bullying policy- and this should involve training every single child in the school to recognise bullying and look out for one another. It should also involve having all lunchtime staff on red alert once a problem has been identified.

Taking the law into your own hands isn't really a useful skill for later life: the way adults stand up for themselves is by involving the appopriate authorities. How to do this effectively a very useful skill to learn.

Flip