Inappropriate touching

[rimpiat]

Forgive me for posting here as a grandfather, but it seems to be a place where I might actually get some useful advice

My 8 year old grand daughter has always liked having her back rubbed, but in the last year or so has started asking that her bottom be rubbed as well - not in a sexual way but more as a massage that goes from neck to feet.

I have told her mother about this development, and she has spoken to her about inappropriate touching.

We do have a close and cuddly relationship, and I have become in many ways a substitute father figure, since daddy left home. However I am now very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Back rubbing is OK but no more than that.

The upshot is that my grand daughter is now asking me why it is inappropriate for me to stroke her bottom.

It's a fair question and I am struggling to find a reasonably simple and understandable answer without raising all sorts of spectres of which she is currently unaware.

Any constructive advice would be greatly appreciated.

OH dear that is a tricky one. Children don't have much of an understanding of what is inappropriate. My 6 year old cousin shouts that I have big boobs and attempts to grab them in front of a lot of people! VERY EMBARRASSING!!!

My 6 year old cousin has also asked me for a "snog" in reply to this I said 'don't be silly, we are related so we don't "snog" people only "snog" when the are grown up and love each other very much." It seemed to work and his mum was quite impressed with how I handled it.

Maybe you should just say that bum stroking is something that a man and a woman do when they are grown up and in love? She is 8 so she doesn't have many years of innocence left.

I found out about sex when I was 9. I seems to remember everyone at school was talking about it.

Hope this helps!

Just say something like, bottoms are private and you should only touch your own..?

Hello

I have recently completed a whole load of training to become a foster carer. I have 2 DS aged 5 and 8, I have now introduced seperate bath time and that their privates (bottom and willy) are private hence the name! I explained that they and they alone are able to wash / touch those parts - both seemed to grasp this and the issue hasn't been raised again.

I think it would be helpful to explain this to their mum too so you are both passing on the same message.

My 2 DS sleep over at Grandma's on a regular basis and always ask to have their back scratched - she has great nails! So they certainly don't feel awkward / uncomfortable with touching since this conversation.

You sound like a lovely Grandad by the way.

Thanks folks. We have done all that. The question really is:

Who says it is wrong?
Why is it wrong?
If I don't tell anyone, why does it matter?

and so on.

If we have a three way conversation with mum,there will be a bit of a shouting match and tears,so I would rather keep it between the two of us, risky though that may be.

'Because some parts of our bodies are more private as we grow up'

And BAD IDEA to keep it 'a secret' btween you two

Why would it be a shouting match if her mum was involved in the conversation?

It's a really tricky one. Maybe your way of answering if as important as what you say. For example saying that you "won't rub her bottom because bottoms are private" but say it in a tone of voice that says that that is your answer and is final.

Other then that:

Who says it's wrong - it just is wrong and all nice grownups know that.

Why is it wrong - because touching of bottoms is for grown ups who love each other and get married etc but not for relations.

If I don't tell anyone, why does it matter? - It will still be wrong even if you don't tell people. For ex, if you steal something then it is still stealing even if you don't get caught.

Sorry if this is rubbish!