Finding it so hard to speak German to my DDs

[ExistentialistCat]

I'm German but grew up abroad and have been to English schools all my life and feel much more fluent and much more me in English than German. DH is English and we live in England.

I have two DDs aged 18 months and 4 months. DD1 is starting to talk lots, in English.

I always intended to speak German to my children but found the reality of it really hard as it just felt stilted and unnatural. Now I'm thinking I really ought to give it a go because it's such a valuable skill to have.

So, questions: Will I basically have to be the German parent to make this work? Will it uttery confuse DD1 to suddenly not understand what I am saying to her? Any tips for making this easier for us as a family?

Thank you!

It's never too late! My SIL is German, my Brother is English. She speaks to their DCs in German... Her 2 and a half year old always answers in English, but she does understand what her Mummy is saying. Even if your DCs don't become fluent, they will pick it up a lot easier when they are older and thank you for it, another language is a very useful skill! Incidentally when Daddy is home SIL reverts to English with the DCs, they do not seem to find this confusing at all.

If you haven't been doing it since they were born (more in the case of dd1) it will be a bit odd for her.

It's still not too late though, but you need to get cracking!

Thing is, from your OP, is your German good enough? If you are not totally fluent yourself, then it might be an idea just to teach them German as a second language when they are a bit older?

(Background- we are a bilingual Italian-English family, in Italy, dd speaks Italian to dp, English to me...I speak Italian to dp, so we always have 2 languages on the go in the house.)

It's true that it would be a useful skill, but not at any price.

If you don't feel like "you" speaking German, and DD1 is already very used to English, perhaps it is better to wait. The other question is whether DH understands German, because if he doesn't, I think you might find it even harder to establish it in the family.

Perhaps you could try a sort of compromise and expose the DDs to lots of German without switching into it permanently yourself. DVDs, CDs, books, that sort of thing. Perhaps a German-language toddlers group if you have access to one.

Also, I'm not sure if the DDs have much contact with other German family members or how much you include German traditions etc. in your family life, but perhaps if they already had a sense of connection with Germany, learning the language would come more naturally later?

(Just thoughts off the top of my head. I'm English, DH German, living in Germany, by the way.)

Thank you, so many replies already!

DH understands German but doesn't speak it. The only German speakers my DDs are exposed to are my parents. Even my sisters and I speak English amongst ourselves.

I do think that my German is good enough but it feels like such a strain! I've been trying it this morning and DD1 is visibly confused when she's trying to have her usual conversations with me and I respond in German.

The local German toddler group is terrifying and I've not got on with it aat all! We do have lots of German books and CDs and I sing to the children in German all the time.

I so want to give my children the very best possible start in life but as you say, fanofpeamum, not at any price...

Tbh I think it's best to speak to your child in the language you feel is your 'first'. So if speaking in German doesn't feel right, I wouldn't.

We're a trilingual family. With DS(8) I speak English and French, but I so wish I had persevered with Polish (my mother tongue) as it's just weird to use other languages to communicate with my own child.But then my Polish is v.good and feels like the 'right' language to speak to my children iyswim.

DD-almost 2- talks in Enlish to DP, English/Polish to me (I speak in Polish only) and a mixture of Polish, English and French to DS.

DP doesn't speak Polish at all.

We get a lot of in the supermarkets etc

I've lived in Germany for the last 19 years and my children go to bilingual schools, so we encounter plenty of two/three language families.

I think in your position, getting your kids to speak German actively is probably a step too far at the moment. However, it is realistic that they will understand it passively (and respond to you in English) if you talk to them consistenty in German - but then when they are put in a German environment, for instance alone with your parents, they will miraculously be able to communicate in German, admittedly with a lot of language interference.

Kids need to be motivated to speak a language, and the best motivation is communicating with other children (who can't speak English, for example).

I've given the following advice before, I think, but no harm in repeating it:

If you're near to Kingston and can afford it, there's the German school. Now THAT will gets your kids active in the language like nothing else.

One option might be to book a holiday somewhere in Germany/Austria where there is a German-speaking holiday club for kids. Do you have cousins in Germany with kids of similar age? Can you get them together with your kids.

With German toddlers' group do you mean the Samstagsschulen? In what respect is it terrifying? Is it full of super-confident power mummies?

There's a radio station for kids called Radio Teddy, which is available on Astra satellite and via Internet. You could have that on in the background - they play LOTS of German songs again and again and again...They also love hearing about their listeners in other countries. Warning: it's based in Berlin, so the variety of German spoken is a bit, er, coarse.

My kids love the KIKa website (KinderKanal on TV), which has lots of fun harmless activities and videos for younger kids. You could introduce them to Die Sendung mit der Maus!

Viel Erfolg damit!

My Mum is Spanish and on the arrival of every new grandchild she promises to speak Spanish to them and never really does. I spoke a little Spanish to my Gran, Mum & Aunt when I was little then Gran said I had an English accent then I stopped. BUT it is amazing over the years (I'm 48yrs) the little Spanish I had from 0-5years plus top-up by going on holiday to Spain. I really do okay and can make simple good conversation and believe it or not I can manage to communcate with my cousins who don't really speak english at all. I can also get myself out of major pickles with and communicate with the police when things have happend.
My son loves the little Spanish he knows, for that matter, he loves all sort of new words (6yrs now)French, Malawi. My brother loved speaking Zaweli from working with Afican women when he was 14 yrs old.
is there a German Saturday School nearby maybe you can enroll them when they are old enough.

What I was trying to say, not very articulately, is that I wouldn't speak to my child in a language I wasn't comfortable in in order for her to be bilingual. I think it's so important to be able to express yourself freely when communicating with your children.

She can learn German later as a second language and you'll can help her then a lot.

problem with toddler groups is that the atmosphere is so influenced by what a small number of dominant parents are like. Could you face giving it a bit longer justi n order to suss out and make friends with a couple of the nicer people and then meet up with them a couple of times a week?

Tbh I don't think they pick up much at these groups, it is more for th mums I found. I took my dd to a German toddler group (in Germany) and they were really laid-back, nice people. We learnt Hopper Hopper Reiter or something like that and other German rhymes I didn't know but apart from the songs I don't think my dd took it in at all.

To me you sound more English and German so if it doesn't sit right speaking German with them, don't do it. How about singing German songs though. If the grandparents live in the UK, could they have a day each week with their grandparents where everything is in German - that might do it?

more English than German I meant to say, sorry

I think your DDs will get the best possible start if you are as "you" and as happy as you can be. Don't do something that is uncomfortable and a strain just because you feel you ought to. The way you have been doing things so far sounds like a good, fair reflection of the heritage they are inheriting from you (i.e. a mixture of German and Anglophone influences).

I know countless families where the "minority language" parent speaks their own language consistently and the children still don't use it actively unless they really have to. And though having a second language is great, I don't think not being able to speak German is an enormous disadvantage compared to some other more widespread languages.

Hope you find a solution you're happy with.

I do non-native bilingualism - ie my French is not "natural" to me but I speak it exclusively to my daughters (their mum uses exclusively English.)

Works great for us, no discomfort and even several unintended benefits.

Whether or not you go for it is up to you but don't be put off if it's what you want to do.

Also it feels a lot less "unnatural" after a few weeks - now it would feel "unnatural" for me to speak English to my children!

Agree with lots that's been said already. We too are a bilingual German/English family where I speak German and dh English with our children (aged 8 and 6). Like you, we live in the UK, and I've been here almost 20 years.

Children are very simple. Unless they are motivated to speak a language they will not. Since they were born I've spoken to them mainly in German and that has now become the language we associate with each other. Of course, there are times I speak to them in English, say when they have their English friends round to play. They also go to German Saturday School, watch German tv, and we try to spend some of our holidays in Germany/Austria. And despite all this German 'input' they will still often respond to me in English....so, it is hard work . But I will hopefully have given them a good foundation upon which they can build later on if they wish.

I also find being bilingual helps learning new languages. My dd (8) is finding French in school relatively easy - perhaps because her brain is already used to the concept of things having different 'labels' (and the whole concept of genders...).

Anyway, why don't you try to stick with only German for a week and see how you feel - it does take a while to switch the 'association' in my opinion. Good luck and let us know how you get on .

In addition to all the other suggestions, have you thought about taking in a German au-pair or student to play with the children and give them lots of one-to-one attention and chat - and you could also get your confidence back.

Wanted to come back here to thank you all for your support. I don't actually like the thought of German being the language that my DDs associate with me, as it has all sorts of complicated connotations for me and, as I've said, I feel more genuine in English.

So I think I'll go with the suggestion of teaching German as a second language a little later, when the DDs can understand the idea of different languages a bit. I'll still read and sing to them in German and do all the lovely traditions, and when they're a bit older I'll consider some DVDs. But I'll try to stop feeling guilty about chatting away to them in English all day!

Thanks all, particularly those of you who understand that giving children the gift of bilingualism isn't necessarily as uncomplicatedly positive as it sounds.

Really glad the thread has been helpful, Cat.

You know, you don't have to speak German all the time. If you need some 'down time' in English, there's nothing to say you can't. You can have German a language that is used in particular situations, at play, in the morning, on alternate days - whatever works.

It might be hard on you, but your DDs are very young, they'll cope. And it's easier now that trying to learn a language when they're older. I knew a few kids with immigrant parents who never spoke to them at home in their own language - several of them as they got older felt robbed of their heritage and spent their early adult years in the parent's country trying to recover lost language and family.

The other thing to help you on the journey are resources in German: CDs, books, videos, games etc.

I think you are right, speaking to your children in a language that you don't feel is your own, in which you can't be as natural as in your first language does properbly not feel right. But you are in a great position to teach them German when the time is right. And a bit at a time seems a good idea for now.

We speak German/English in our house but I did Spanish at University and sometimes feel I should teach my DCs a little. We sometimes use the greatings, they know 'I love you' and we watch a cd with music which they like.

ExistentialistCat, two suggestions (from a fellow German mum in London :-) ).

• send your kids to Germany in the summers, send them to tennis camp or hiking or whatever so they get exposed to other German kids and make friends there. My sister has two kids growing up in Africa and they spend a month each summer with their grandparents back home, it helps a lot. And you can enjoy your time without kids!
• try to meet other German mums informally if the toddler group terrifies you ;-). I can imagine what you mean and I have completely stayed away from the Wimbledon/Richmond scene, German school etc., too, but here and there I do meet a lot of nice German mums, often in mixed couples which makes the whole thing interesting as well. At least if you are in London it should be very easy to meet more German speakers some other way.

it would be a shame if DCs don't learn the language so I wish you good luck!