Should I stop saying 'Stop crying' to my kids - WDYT?

[pipkin35]

DCs 3 and 21 months.
I often say 'Stop crying' - never shout it but say with a degree of firmness. It quite often works on 21 month yr old and then I'll get her x, y, z. TBH, never worked as well with 3 yr old but I still said it.
Never questioned it before til I had a paranoid moment and thought is it an awful thing to say - like, am I making them feel they can't/shouldn't cry/invalidating their feelings etc?!
I did get some odd looks today when 21 month old went ape sh1t over a toy some kid snatched off her and she was properly blubbing and I said quite lodly "STOP crying STOP crying Would you like me to get you another toy?" and the tears instantly stopped. But then it was like I'd scared her into stopping crying IYSWIM?
I'm often surprised by how well it works with 21 month old, but maybe others have a different phrase they use instead?!

It is difficult isn't - I sometimes say this and then also feel bad for the exact reasons you mention. But often you know when they are real tears and when it is just for a reaction (not sure if I explained that correctly!?). I try to say "there is no reason to cry come on etc etc". I am sure someone else will come along with a better suggestion. I have also started to say to my DS who is 3 "stop whinging" and I hate it when I do and am really trying to stop myself.

My friend says "is that working?" to her DD when she knows they are crocodile tears - it works a treat, she's been doing it since she was about 2 (now 4) and it works v v quickly now as she knows she won't get her own way by crying!

I don't say stop crying, with my 2 it's usually justified or toddler dramatics so I can either cuddle them or ignore it.

They get a lot of "Stop whinging" though. They ignore me .

I don't see what is wrong with saying "stop crying" when you know they are crying for a pathetic reason. I know when my children are genuinely upset/hurt, they try the crying thing when thwarted. I ignore or more generally tell them to stfu, in more child friendly terms.

Invalidating their feelings my arse, honestly they are manipulative tears, you know when they are really upset. Be strong, namby pamby theories are fine, but tbh children will manipulate for all they are worth.

I know exactly what you mean. I usually ask DS to "use your words" which more often than not stops the crying as he (rather pathetically!) tries to tell me what the problem is.

I wouldn't say it to DD (2.5). But like Meglet I know that it's either justified, in which a quick cuddle and kiss sorts it out. Or it's 'fake' crying when she doesn't get her own way. In which case I make it clear that I'm not going to give in, but leave her to 'cry' if that's what she wants. She generally stops fairly quickly anyway when she realises it's not working.

Distraction is my biggest tactic when they're melodramatic tears or sometimes just sitting and cuddling, but no fuss, is the quickest way as it's so boring for them! Dc1 is 6, so older than yours, & gets 50p pocket money a week but can lose 5p a time for excessive whinging!

I think there have to be other ways really, I recognise how you felt when you said it to her, I've been there too, but I think other ways need exploring. I'm just starting to find my way with ds2, picking him up usually helps and suggesting we do something to make him feel better - but often it's hard to find the right thing.
Sometimes they just want a proper cuddle and to cry it out in your shoulder iyswim.

I watched a couple of mums this morning from school, one of them with a 2yo in his buggy wailing and red faced (as he usually is when I see him). She actually was laughing at him (again as usual) and saying something about how useless his dad was, and then she slapped his little face for crying.

I stared and stared and then I got the 'what's she lookin at' etc muttered as I went ahead.

I felt like turning round and saying 'you will get stared at if you hit your child just because he's crying.' But I was too wuss and couldn't think of the right words to make her stop and think, rather than make it worse for the poor little chap.

She hasn't a clue, is so, so immature, it makes me furious - you're clearly nothing like this, OP. I don't think what you said was wrong. It just might be that there is a more effective way iyswim - that doesn't make YOU feel bad.

I reguarly say to ds3 stop crying because i need you to tell me whats wrong - I cant hear you if you are crying

He will most of the time make a real effort to stop crying and talk and then I can help him.

But i dont shout it at him I get down to his level and hold his hands and say it

i say it to my 2 year old too because i cant understand what he's saying if he cries, so not able to fix whatever he is crying about till he stops. obviously thats if he is trying to say something, if for eg he fell over and hurt himself and crying then i wouldnt because there's no need. it's only needed for tantrum type crying
op i am the same as you i do say it in quite a firm voice, because otherwise in those circumstances when he has got himself a bit wound up, then he wont listen! sometimes i tell him let's count to five and use that to calm down, which does work for us.

Good to hear everyone else's opinions. Sometimes say to younger one 'Use your words' but can only do this when it's not a major upset. This AM though, I tried a 'Stop crying, come on, it's not that bad...' which at 21 months she's not gonna understand the whole lot, but maybe even though it starts with a firm 'Stop', it then gets 'cosier' so..?!
I hardly say it to DS anymore, maybe a - more what Racmac said she does. Think Blackletter day is right though. Just need to watch the tone I'm saying it in really and emphasise that it's OK to cry when actually upset - easier said than done!
I wish I could cuddle DD out of her tears but she goes mental and refuses all comfort, flails on floor if out and skakes head and gets more upset if you try to pick her up etc...Just need to trust instincts I suppose on when I know its real and when its not?!

Am often saying 'Stop whingeing' - try not to say 'whining' which just sounds like a nastier word...but often try to preface that with a 'Please can you..' ! But I find 3 year old are experts at banging on and on...

Agree with what other posters say, it's just a matter of context. If your dd is crying for a silly reason it would calm her down to make her realise that there is no reason to be so upset. If she is genuinely upset, has hurt herself etc then of course lots of cuddles are in order! I think this actually helps them to learn about their emotions as they know that its ok to cry when they're genuinely upset iyswim.

The thing is different things work for different kids. With ds1 the only thing that really worked was empathy - I had to make a fuss and give him a cuddle and say 'poor thing' a few times and he stopped. If I do that with ds2 he gets louder!!

it's trial and error I think.