Im upset I don't know what to do my DS(5) is having playground problems

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I've had tears about this and I am anxcious as to figure out how best to deal with this:

A child in DS class at school from nursery - they seem to have a love/hate thing

He had fight before Christmas with this child I was told by DS asked school who said it wasn't too serious

Last week he told me a list of things that have been happening at lunchtimes in playgroud that this other child has 'told' other children to do this that and the other to him such as bang his head.

I spoke to staff who said they weren't suprised as they'd notice this and were aware and would speak to the children. His teacher told me it was sometimes a little bit of my DS too.

Tonight he completly wet himself in a public place and cried when some children wouldnt play with him he went off on his own - I felt so sorry for him

My fears are:

He is quite sensitive and is becomming a victim
He doesnt have any friends - he mainly plays with girls
I'm handling this wrong - Ive told him to say 'dont do that to me' and tell a teacher - this is what school advised

I dont think he a 'toughie' ie he plays with soft toys, feeds them does their voices etc.

I want to teach him not be wound up where he cries etc or he'll get picked on.

I am fed up and feel like telling him to hit them as hard as he can so they leave him alone - but feel this is wrong.

Any advice and I'll answer questions as best as I can

My ds was sensitive as well, he got picked on off one boy in year 1 and I was at a loss after speaking to the teacher who was totally ineffective. Ds also was left himself at breaktimes, its heartbreaking isn't it.
I decided i'd had enough one night, wrote down all the incidents I knew off, phoned the school the next morning and demanded to speak to the head before that morning break time.
Head went out into the playground that morning for first break, observed, stepped in, had bully along in his office etc. He went out a few more times then called me with update and had instructed playground staff to keep a close eye.
Ds now has much more confidence and loads of friends.
Take action now, I was lucky my concerns were taken seriously, I said I was worried about the effect on his confidence and being socially excluded could affect him for a long time to come and luckily the head agreed and took action.
I actually caught ds giving the former bully a mouthful the other day and had to tell him off for it!

You're not handling it wrongly, I've always told my DD's to shout at the top of their voices "that's not a very nice thing to do" if anyone hits or touches them to attract the teaches attention, the truth is in my experience the teachers have so many children to watch they rarely see anything that goes on unless it's under their noses.
If he plays with the girls, he does have friends, girl friends, is that so bad ?
The best advice i tink you can give him is not to rise to it, if the others are mean, paly with the children who aren't and stay away or ignore the mean ones.
It doesn't get any easier unfortunately.

I would speak to the teacher again and ask them to watch your DS at playtime. The problem I think is that quite often the teachers don't actually do playground duty - at least they don't at my dcs' school, so they miss out on observing how the kids behave at play. If you are really concerned then mention "bullying' because I get the impression that once that is mentioned the school seem to take things more seriously but obviously bear in mind that the other child although he doesnt sound particularly nice is only 4 or 5 too so he is only learning his way around too.

I think it's quite common for little children to mix with the opposite sex - although maybe he happens to have some 'wiser' kids with older siblings in his class.

I have actually told my DS to hit back (and it worked), but he was much older, and his teacher had proved useless so was at the end of my tether.

I think it's a different matter at such a young age, though - could go quite wrong.

Trapped's method sounds worth trying, and I wouldn't worry about toughening him up, it's others who should be changing their behaviour not him.

I must say that if the school don't show quickly that they're working to resolve this I'd be thinking of moving him - awful to be stuck all day being abused by one's peers.

Oh thanks you MAMA and TRAPPED ive just has to dash upstairs and re settle him I feel so protective and thinking silly things like wanting to keep him with me tomorrow where I can care for him - No way would I do this.

I am going to record last weeks incidents in diary and see how last two days of week go and maybe follow up if needed.

He has told me that this boy had pinched his hat today and was throwing it around and a kind person got it back for him.

No, no problem with him playing with girls he had a little boy round for playdate yesterday and they were fine just the usual bickering and he still sees his best friend from nursery.

Thanks for sharing your experiences too

I was at my wits end, I had told him to hit back etc (I know I know but I was desperate) but he's just not that kind of person.

I waited till the confidence crept up a little then started taking him to taekwondo (sp), he's like a drunk bambi but its really helped build on the confidence thing for him.

I went in with a reasonable attitude that I realised it was another very young child, but what was happening was just not acceptable.

Yes fruit my DH said instantly via a text (of course he's at work I do all school runs and he doesnt have to deal with this !) and said 'is hebeing bullied?' I will be happy to suggest this if it continues over a period of time.

whats OMG its ive already mentally thought about the moving thing, my mind is racing I'm glad I am meeting a friend tomorrow - I know she will advise me about this.

I did take him to karate on Mon and DH said he would like to take him to Saturday class instead confidence etc

I thought about moving schools, home schooling, anything to get him away from it.
I felt sick leaving him at school, I wish I had seen the head earlier.

No trapped this is exactly my thinking I feel better already, as those who have gone before etc...

I confess I did tell him to push them away if they wouldnt leave him alone and made him practice on me - yes I do feel desperate.. but he musnt hit or kick or get into fight.

I hope I am not over egging the pudding here, I dont want a whiney tell tale, I mean that I am 'feeding' the situation by talking about it but he brought up the hat thing

I talked and talked to my ds about it to try and support him, after I spoke to the head and things got resolved that way, ds DID turn into a bit of a tell tale for a while, it didn't last too long though, better that though then you can help them get things into perspective that 'sophie' constantly yakking in his ear is not grounds for me to go to school and see the head and that he can tell her to stop talking so much all by himself.........!
I could have laughed with joy when that was his major annoyance.
Honestly, ds's teacher boys will be boys attitude was just not good enough when ds's emotional wellbeing was at stake, I would bypass the teacher and go straight to the head.
I was shaking but held it together when I went to see him, you could tell I was visibly upset but tried to focus on the facts and the social exclusion and confidence issues (as well as the incidents).

Thanks for sharing so much even DH when he first got home after long drive tonight said he's fine he has friends etc but by the time he got changed he ended up saying that he didnt want to see him being bullied (if this is the case) and that he would ring the school so I feel I have got him on side its not his fault he isnt there at school pick up etc.

I do feel his teacher has sought to reassure me she did say it was all part of normal learning of social skills. I know she has two boys and that she knows he is our only child we have no family nearby (so no cousins etc) but he mixes with other children in outside of school in activities etc. I feel better about how I have handled this and how I will go forward.

It is heartbreaking though

It truly is heartbreaking, I hope you get it resolved and quickly.
If your dh is onside, perhaps he could come to the school with you.
Dp came with me and it stopped me turning into a hysterical mum and of course he threw in a couple of clever words.
I have no idea if it was taken as seriously as it was because both of us were there, therefore it was seen that we were both taking it seriously iyswim.
I made an appt for as early as possible so dp could shoot off to work straight after and just had to go in a bit later.
God, the sleepless nights, I really feel for you and your son x

My DS ( aged 6) was bullied before xmas. Same scenario as you - he's very sensitive, best friend is a girl. He was being targeted every lunchtime by the same boy (not in his class). It all came to a head when he said he didnt want to go to school and told me the extent of what had been going on. He has been punched in the face, his feet stamped on, shoved over hit etc. I immediately went to his teacher, then the Headmaster when it still continued at lunchtime. It was much better after that, but what stopped it completely was when they got both boys together with a teacher and allowed them to talk about what was happening. Since then, its been great and my DS has forgotten all about it. The thing to remember also is that your child MUST tell a teacher as sson as something happens so it can be dealt with and more importantly noted, so that if there is a pattern of bullying, you and the school have PROOF. Then it will allow the school to take further steps to stop it and you will have dates etc showing what has happened if you need to take the matter further, ie) the board of governors. Good Luck , I hope you get it sorted.

LadyRose