Feeling angry and miserable all the time - please help..

[Mae34]

Hi - I am struggling at the moment and just dont know what to do.
DD is 7 months and healthy, bright and lovely and I love her so much. She is a pretty settled baby in the day, nights not great but not as bad as some eg up every 3 hours on average. EBF and wont take a bottle and not interested in solids yet.

I have some health problems which make me prone to getting tired and frazzled easily but otherwise have supportive friends and family, good social network, reasonable finances etc. DH is probably about average (!) ie will do stuff if told but still pursues his hobbies etc and not very good at being emotionally supportive. I do all the nights and the bulk of the childcare and he has recently started a stressful new job so is under pressure himself.

I just feel so tired and angry all the time and its affecting things with DD- I feel furious with her when she wont eat or feed or wont settle. I would say 90% of the time I am very warm and interactive with her, chat away, giving cuddles, taking her out, playing with stuff but sometimes I just feel at the end of my tether at being on duty 24 hours a day. I cant get away for more than a couple of hours as she needs feeding, I have to put her to bed and do all the night stuff as she wont go to DH. I feel like I look terrible, have no brain cells/ other interests left and horribly guilty that I cant enjoy this more and that I might be upsetting DD. I have picked her up out of her cot brusquely on a few occasions and raised my voice.

Sorry this is so long - is this just how being a mum is? Do I need to just be less selfish? DH thinks I am being unreasonable and am an awful miserable angry person - we are not getting on well :(

1st things first. Do the edinburgh test test and lets eliminate PND. What does your mum and your best friend think of how you feel ? Have you anyone to really talk to ? If you are depressed, this could explain alot. You must then go to your GP. Or talk to your HV. this will help.

If not, you just need a bit of help and support. My diabetes made me very tired and I often struggle, but my Gp keeps telling me that I am not depressed.

You need a breeak. And maybe a break from dd ? I put ds2 in the gym creche. felt awful, but actually he was fine. And i went and had a swim, jacuzi and sauna. Once a week. Made a big difference.

Come back to us, and we will help you find other things to help and support you.

ds is nearly the same age and very similar in terms of sleep etc. I know exactly what you mean by being on duty 24 hours a day. I don't know if its normal but I find it really hard work and I have no health issues to make it harder.

You say you can't get away for more than a couple of hours but do you actually do that? Even if dh has a stressful job he must get days off? Its important for your dd that she gets 1 to 1 time with both parents and good for her to learn mummy goes away and comes back again, so do NOT feel guilty about arranging regular time off for you.

Have you tried her with a cup for milk?

Have you thought about Baby Led Weaning? Basically just give her food to play with, lick, smear around the place. Doesn't matter if she doesn't eat masses but it may lessen the tension around you having to feed her. I am a control freak so I know I would get very stressed about ds finishing every morsel if I was controlling his eating.

I'm going to be blunt but if your dh isn't very emotionally supportive, you can't force him to be. Save your energy. Get him to do practical things if that is more his strength. Can you look for support from a good friend, family member instead?

Hi Mae,

First can I just say that however hard you are finding it now (and it can be flippin' tough looking after a baby, I know) it will get better. I know that hearing this now probably doesn't help, but try and hang onto the fact that your life will not always be like this. This isn't "just how being a mum is" or at least not after you've got through the baby stage. My DD was a very difficult baby and I will happily admit that I did not enjoy it one bit. But when she turned one things started to get much easier and now at 22 months she is an absolute delight. It's still hard at times (toddler tantrums have started in our household!) and you are still "on duty" all the time, but being able to interact and chat with her makes it all worthwhile. Please try and hang onto that!

Second, like Oblomov I think you should get checked out for PND. I left it far too long before going to the doctor and when I finally did go, I was diagnosed as having PND and starting taking ADs helped enormously.

In terms of practical strategies, I think you need to explain to your DH exactly how bad you are feeling and explore ways he can help. Sometimes even just an hour or so's break recharging your batteries, reading a magazine and having an uninterrupted coffee in a cafe can work wonders. I would persist with the EBF and bottles, my DD wouldn't take them at first but eventually when offered by DH (without me in sight) she did take to them. But even if she doesn't then you can get away for a couple of hours.

And do try BLW - it takes a lot of pressure off. Just lay some foods out in front of your DD on her tray and let her play with them. Soft roasted veg/tomatoes are good, cooked broccoli, um, gosh it's hard to remember now what we did but there will be threads on this in the weaning board.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. This stage is hard. I think most of us have raised our voices and got frustrated, I know I have. I once told my DD I was going to leave her in the park behind a bush if she didn't shut up. It doesn't seem to have harmed her. You just need to do whatever it takes to get thorugh this phase until things improve and that means taking all offers of help you can possibly get.

Hope this helps at least a little bit. keep posting and let us know how you get on.

Don't feel bad. I once shouted at ds2 , who barely slept at night for the 1st 13 weeks, shouted "whats fucking wrong now". Not cool. But you know what, lots of us have done such things. Give yourself a break.

Thankyou so much for replying...
I did the test and it came out at 17 - to be honest I have had low periods in the past and recognize I am probably mildly depressed now. I do have a really supportive psychologist and have an appointment with him next week.

I have told DH how I feel but he seems to feel we are both under the cosh with it all and he is doing all he can and is really fed up of hearing me talk about it. I think people are right - I probably can take a couple of hours here and there or when she naps but I rarely do - I find it hard to ask for it and not feel guilty as DH is at work all week or that there is housework and jobs to be done.

To be fair - DH doesnt care about the state of the house and almost always will do stuff when asked - its my stupidity in waiting for it to be offered and thinking doing it all makes me a better person/mum

I'm beginning to think BLW might help in removing a source of conflict...I've tried a cup but maybe DH could try again or keep trying bottles.

I just feel really scared about the future - I know there are so many more challenges ahead and I feel sad that DD might have me getting like this instead of the calm, loving mum she deserves.