co-sleeping issues

[Almondine]

My 9mth old has co-slept since birth, but we used to put her down in a cot before we came to bed & she would sleep 7pm-10pm generally in there fine. At some point around 6months she became more unsettled & started waking every hour, but could be settled easily. Then she started to get more difficult at going to sleep, at which point I would put her to bed in our bed & breastfeed her there. Now we've got to the point where I bf her & she goes to sleep in our bed. She will then wake after about an hour & cry out. she will only accept me going to her, not my husband. I then lie with her until she goes back to sleep, but find that if i leave too quickly she will simply wake up in 10mins, so basically I end up spending most of my evening with her, when what I really want to do is relax! Its driving me insane now, & is really hard when my husband comes in late from work & wakes her up, & I end up being stuck in the bedroom all evening. I really dont want to leave her to cry, but Im getting to the point where I dont really see any other option, & I'm also very aware I'm going back to work soon! Any suggestions?

I had this problem with my daughter when she was really young. We never co-slept at all - i was too scared that i rolled onto her or something because im a heavy sleeper - but we shared a room until she was 1 year old because i was living with my parents (i was 21)

when i moved into my own house the first 2 months were a nightmare because she was in a different house and in a room on her own. she would scream and scream if i left the room and i ended up getting a single bed and putting it into her room for me to sleep there at night and gradually slept there less and less and she seems to be fine now (apart from this week)

what worked for me was putting something that belonged to me into the cot with her - a tshirt or something that had my scent on it. when she woke up in the night she could still smell me and it sort of tricked her into thinking i was still there. obviously now shes getting older she is getting harder to trick so i do have to go to her but its not as bad as it was.

You must be very tired and fed up i hope it works out for you

Maybe there's a mid point of not leaving her to cry on her own but your husband going to her and lying down. Obviously he'll have a bit of a rough time of it at first, but it might just break the cycle - without the child ever being left alone. Fathers can be very creative with very reassuring, close alternatives to breastfeeding. As I say, this requires your partner's commitment to the idea - when he's probably exhausted getting home from work.

The other thing is that in my experience both of my children's sleeping patterns just change over time - they get worse and then they get better again. It's gradual and you always feel the low points and don't notice when you're having a high point. My dad always says to me: by the time they're 32, they won't be wanting it. He's right. No matter what you do, it will go away by itself sooner or later. I find personally that for me waiting a few months for it to get better is less stress than trying some technique or other (and I went back to work very early with dd and at 10 mnths with ds).

I just thought: maybe another thing to focus on is how tired she is? As she gets older and is walking she'll use more energy in the day and may sleep better because of that - not waking ten minutes after you left, because she's too tired and is really deeply asleep??

2 options:

• crying it out and gradual withdrawal (in other terms weaning). Takes anything from 3 days to forever...Very difficult, I failed miserably!

Best advice is: stop the night feeding altogether, might as well go cold turkey once and for all and get it over with. With DS (7 years ago, it was a breeze, 1 week and it was sorted)

• surrendering (continuing co-sleeping until God knows when)

With DD (2y8mths) well, she still does not sleep alone.My fault entirely, could not let go, indulged in breastfeeding all night and still giving her a bottle FFS as long as she goes back to sleep!

You have to make a decision.

Cave people never left their child to cry it out (they'd have been eaten by sabre-tooth tigers). It's natural for children to want closeness to parents while they sleep - thousands of years ago it was dangerous for them to be alone. WE are the ones who are behaving unnaturally - or when slim22 says it was her fault entirely: she was just being human(and trying to get back to sleep - which is understandable!).
I have exactly the same issue with you of having your whole evening gone with lying by the bed. It's annoying and disappointing - but it's not crazy or a failure - it's normal.

So other people spend their whole evening going back and forth to the bedroom too? Glad its not just me then. I have two tips:

Get The No Cry Sleep solution as it has lots of options for various scenarios and will give you hope that one day she will sleep.

Get an ipod or similar and download podcasts. You will be able to find something that fits your interests. I stick one ear phone in once he is nodding off and it makes it a lot easier to lie there til he is definately asleep. And if she wakes again in 10 mins, you might even find yourself pleased as you will be able to listen to the end of the episode!

honestly, just ditch the books. They just twist the knife where it hurts.
And we are not cave people, they will not be eaten by sabre toothed tigers if they cry a bit. And if you have to go back to work.... either make peace with no sleep (nor much sex for that matter) for a couple of years (my case) or crackdown on nightfeeding.

LOL! Albrecht at listening to the end of the episode!

You have all my sympathy

You've probably tried this... but what about a very relaxed bedtime routine, then giving the last feed by her cot and lifting her in asleep? Then you or your husband can soothe her if she wakes but put her back in cot once asleep again. You could even try climbing in the cot! I have done this and it's ridiculous but it helped DS to go from co-sleeping to cot sleeping - which I guess you want if only for the evening?

How does she nap (how many & how long)? Could that be part of the problem?

Have you had her checked for allergies / intolerances? I think some babies respond like that to things in their diet, especially if they've eaten it in the afternoon / evening.