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Parenting

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Original poster

Would you let your 3 yr old go to a parents house for lunch?

18 replies

sneakapeak · 18/01/2011 10:28

I don't know if im being OTT or if my concerns are valid.

I have recently moved my DS to a new nursery as the old was was terrible.

I know one of the mums at this new nursery and my DS is friends with her DS. It made moving him an easy transition for him.

I have known her since DS was 5 months old (so 3 years).

In saying that, 'known' means meeting her with other mums for a coffee and seeing her at her house or mine maybe once a month.

This morning she very nicely 'insisted' she pick my son up on Thursday in her car with her DC's and take him home for lunch.

She does have a spare childs seat.

Apart from the fact he is only 3 and I wasn't quite expecting to do stuff like that until he is at least 5 (might just be me), she is very laid back shall we say in a safety point of view.

Examples - she had a 10ft trampoline with no safety net and lets on 5x 2-3 yr olds at one time and doesn't stand with them.

Her son (3) wanted a ladder for xmas - so he got one . An actual ladder, maybe 3ft in height that he can climb on anywhere in the house.

She doesn't consider safety gates for her 1 yr old neccesary and regulary lets her go up stairs on her own and of course she has fallen quite a few times but apparently thats how they learn .

When I questioned why she hadn't tied up her blind cords all over the house as I knew someone who lost her son at 2 when he strangulated himself on one, she shrugged that off and they still hang down to just 2ft from the ground, even in the kids bedrooms.

Actually the more I type the worse it seems . Seeing it typed out makes me question myself for somehow agreeing to it.
I was so on the spot and I came up with a few vague excuses which she was quick to answer.

Her husband will be there too and I barley know him although he seems ok.

WWYD?

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Greythorne · 18/01/2011 10:31

No, she has a reckless approach to safety. 3 is not too young to go for lunch with a well-known, trusted friend with the safe approach to safety as you, but thus mum does not share your priorities. So, no.

nowwearefour · 18/01/2011 10:34

i would say yes in principle (i have done a number of times with both mine when they were 3) but no in this particular case due to safety concerns.

maras2 · 18/01/2011 10:42

Don't let him go.She sounds nice but irresponsible.You would never be able to relax.Invent some oher plans if you don't want to tell her your true feelings.

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madrush · 18/01/2011 10:45

If you're not happy about it, don't let him go.

I don't think age comes into it particularly, as long as the child's comfortable going with someone I'd let mine go. But NOT if I had concerns about whether they'd be safe.

cadifflur · 18/01/2011 10:46

Wouldn't let him go, but I think you might have to be at least a little bit honest, or else you will probably end up having to come up with excuses time and time again, and this might end up being more awkward than actually telling her why. - at least come up with something permanent for now, such as no, he's not ready yet, he even gets upset at my mum's without me - just something definite that she knows not to ask again.

Simic · 18/01/2011 10:49

I have had this kind of situation with another mum "insisting" on taking my child and with similar safety issues. It left me feeling completely out of control - in a situation where that could end up dangerous. Excuses with someone answering them and pushing you into something you're clearly not happy with feels horrible. And when it's your child's safety at stake, letting yourself be pushed around isn't an option. Say a clear no - at least so you show your children how to be assertive - and get your friendship with this mum onto an even keel. I find my situation like this so hard to deal with. I really have to practice saying no.
After reading "Hold onto your kids, why parents need to matter more than peers" by Neufeld and Maté, I have started to think that maybe my mum was right to believe that friendships at that age should really be family to family, not child to child. I don't think I went to play on my own as a child until I was about 7 and maybe that was quite a good thing...

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 18/01/2011 10:50

I would say no in this circumstance due to the safety concerns and the fact that she is not a well-known and trusted friend. My DS is 2yrs old and even if he was 3 I would still accompany him on 'play dates' until quite a bit older, maybe 4 or 5 perhaps. He has spent a couple of hours with a known and trusted friend in the past but that has been because I had an appointment and couldn't take him with me. I don't think I could safely trust this woman with her relaxed attitude to safety, even if she was a well-known friend.

Simic · 18/01/2011 10:58

I've also often enough had the situation that dd (now 5 and it still happens) gets to friends house and then wants me to come. Once she is there, she realises that she is not really at home there, that she doesn't yet really trust the parents of the other child sufficiently to be cared for by them. I then get a phone call...
I think honestly that this is really healthy. Of course a five year old is not yet self-sufficient enough to act independently in all situations. She is reliant upon a figure to whom she is attached - either her preschool teachers, my, dh or grandparents. I am coming to feel that it's better for me to be there from the beginning... and I have a nice chat too!

Bramshott · 18/01/2011 11:21

I'd be very happy for DD2 (3) to go home with someone else for lunch, but you clearly feel uneasy about it in this instance, so you are perfectly within your rights to say no.

But seriously - I think you maybe need to lighten up a bit. If your DS will be starting school in Sept, he will want to go to other people's houses, probably including children whose parents you have never met. I must admit that I was a bit at the point where you said "I questioned why she hadn't tied up her blind cords"!

Original poster

sneakapeak · 18/01/2011 15:53

Thanks everyone. Not sure how to play this at all.

Even if I find an excuse she will just ask again next week.

I know she is thinking, great, we can have shots each in not having to rush to pick up DS's once a week and in theory it's a good idea (we both have 1 yr old DD's too).

Actually saying no, im not happy/comfortable with it makes me feel totally and I keep seeing her face when I try to say it (wimp).

Bramshot, I see how I typed that bit out but it was nothing like that.

She has very long windows and cords and her DD was standing at the window playing with it.

Having had a friends sister loose her boy by finding him hanging from the window in the morning, I quickly reacted and said 'oh, XXXX has the blind cord'.
She looked puzzled and I told her about the little boy and how you can get hooks to pin them up with. It was tactful I promise.

I was just shocked to see she has left them like that after telling her about it months ago.
Especially at the end of her DD's cot and in her DS's room but i've obviously not said anything since.

I totally expect this to happen when he is at school and that's fine and TBH,if it was another in our group of mums id probably not have batted an eye but it's her IYSWIM.

OP posts:

fel1x · 18/01/2011 15:59

I'd say that he's not happy to be left without you yet as he's still a bit young/clingy, sorry.
She cant say anything to combat that and it doesnt imply at all that you arent comfortable with her/her house, just that its about your DS

putthekettleon · 18/01/2011 16:04

could you not just say you think he's a bit young to go without you? Even if she says 'oh, but look, he's fine...' you could make up some story about him perhaps being looked after by a neighbour recently and being upset once you'd gone, and say you just weren't comfortable leaving him yet in case he got upset again.

Then while you're there you could surreptitiously tie up all her blind cords

I do know what you mean - I try to avoid any situation that involves leaving DD1 (2.9) with my SIL as she seems to have a rather lax attitude to toddler safety (for example she thought it was fine for her 8 and 6 year old to take DD to the playground near their house on their own and acted like I was being completely OTT when I suggested an adult go with them )

2babyblues · 18/01/2011 16:05

I would just say that he isn't happy going on his own and you would have to go with him. It's quite normal for 3 year olds to have their mum come with them. You are his mum, therefore you are in charge, not her!

To be honest I don't think my 3 year old would be very happy if I arranged for someone he didn't know very well to take him home without me. I think he would be really upset.

Blu · 18/01/2011 16:08

Would you feel able to say 'that's lovely, but I do have a couple of thngs that trigger fear in me because of what has happened to people I know. Would you mind hooking up your blind cords and making sure they don't go on the trampolin unsupervised and more than one at a time? Sorry - I might seem neurotic, but I can't get these things out of my mind'.

If she IS a responsible mother and friend she will do everything she can to make you feel at ease over having your child in her care.

neolara · 18/01/2011 16:14

Why don't you just say it's a great idea, but you're pretty sure your ds would find it a bit difficult - he's always pretty fraught around lunchtime after the morning at nursery, or something like this. This is genuinely the case for lots of kids at 3.

Roo83 · 18/01/2011 16:25

I don't think the age is an issue at all-my ds has been round to neighbours for lunch/play dates since about 2....but we know them very well and I'd been many times with him previously. I think the issue is you're not comfortable with him going with this person-if you're not happy with it trust your instinct. Could you say he's very tired after nursery so you'd rather him come home until he's s bit older? Or say he always asks if you're collecting him from nursery so you don't want him unsettled? White lies but should keep you both happy!

WonderingStar · 18/01/2011 16:37

Re the at blind cords, one or two children die in the UK every year through being strangled by blind cords. They really do pose a risk, though perhaps once your child is 3+, much less of a risk.

see RoSPA campaign here

howtoapproach · 18/01/2011 17:25

I would say no. Mine had a very bad experience in someone else's house when there were 6 adults there at the age of 3. IMO 3 is too young, let alone all the safety fears.

I know what you mean when someone is insisting, albeit nicely. I would make some excuse like "he can get terribly upset if i'm not there".

Would definitely stand your ground.

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