How to i approach this?

[FearlessLeader]

I have a friend whose son is the same age as DS (more or less- they are both around 1). She has struggled with PND, is receiving treatment, taking meds, etc. I can't help but think that some of her problem with her DS stems from wildly high expectations of a 1 year old. We met up yesterday at a soft play centre, and she ended up leaving, furious with her son because he only wanted to eat nectarine, not his sandwich at lunch time, and flung a few pieces of sandwich over the side of the highchair to make that clear. She called him a little turd and wrestled him quite roughly into his stroller. Now , i feel really sorry for her but I don't want to witness her treating her son like that. I can understand that she's at the end of her tether, and she may be making mountains out of molehills, but it seems to be her general approach to children. A few weeks ago we were in the playground and she was grumbling about how boisterously two toddlers were playing in the sand, and marched off to tell their parents that they were "throwing sand" when what they were doing was building a castle with gleeful abandon, and some sand happened to end up a bit airborne. She's just very strict, and i know if she eased up a lot bit most of her problems with her DS's behaviour will disappear.
How do i broach this with her? We're not terribly close, we just know each other through a playgroup.

re: coming on here- I'm actually hiding on here because she's on the forum I'm usually on . The rest of the parents in the group are so much more relaxed and i can see her sometimes agape at what we let ours get up to. Before the storm-off yesterday, one of the other babies pulled her DS's hair, she went and told the mother who apologised to her, but it was like she was waiting for the baby to be lectured or given a time out or some other form of discipline.

i might be tempted to avoid spending time with her if you arent that close.

i had the opposite problem with a friend of mine when our kids were 3-4 years old. hers was very violent towards mine (and all other kids!) and i didnt feel that her discipline was effective. i broached it with her as we were really close. we both got really upset, agreed a plan of action...then avoided each other for ages! it was really awkward and our friendship took a long time to return to normal.

its really icky challenging someones parenting style. unless it was someone i really cared about, i dont think i would do it.

It's very tricky; she sounds uptight enough that she won't respond well to even the kindest hints that she needs to relax a bit and understand toddlers more, but both she and her DS are going to suffer if nobody says anything to her.

If you aren't that close, it's probably easier to say something than if you are; you don't have so much to lose if she takes offence, and at least you know that you tried to help her.

Because she does need help. PND aside, she does have unrealistic expectations of what toddlers are like and how they behave, and if her DS refusing to eat his sandwich in favour of a nectarine is enough to send her home in a fury then she's going to put herself and him through hell over something really stressful like potty training.

Maybe you can work up a conversation about parenting books and suggest she take a look at Toddler Taming and Playful Parenting - maybe using the bait that they both have some very effective methods of disciplining toddlers.....

They also have good info on what is normal toddler behaviour etc...

Spandangle i'd love to avoid her but at the moment we seem to run in the same circles. And i can't just bite my tongue if she keeps speaking to her baby like that. I do really feel for her, I know what depression is like and i take my hat off to anyone who goes through it with an infant.

The books idea is good, perhaps i should talk to some of the others about doing a book swap so she doesn't feel singled out, we can float all the gentle parenting books her way