How to break the cycle of Arguments and shouty behaviour by parents and child

[Sonnet]

I would really appreciate your thoughts on the situation I currently find myself in. I hate my life; I am scared in the pit of my stomach about tonight

I have 2 dd?s aged almost 10 and 14. DD1 has always been fairly placid whilst DD2 has always been more challenging ? we joke that her first word was ?no? and her second ?mine?. .

Life in my household has become grim over the past year with arguments most nights, lots of shouting and not much fun. The shouting is around getting both DD?s to do homework, reading, and normal tasks a 10 and 14 year old should do. As an example it took 2 hours 11 minutes to get DD2 to complete her Science homework last night. Yes ? 11 minutes was the time it actually took to do it. Both DH and I had lost the plot and ended up finishing the evening not speaking to each other.
I work 4 days a week in a stressful job and my DH runs a small business and although is doing OK he had to take a big salary cut last year. We manage ok and have no debt but I seem to spend a fair amount of time juggling just to keep afloat. So I admit often we both have a short fuse.

DD2 is so argumentative and refuses to do anything for herself. It feels as if the whole household is run around DD2 and I walk on egg shells every evening around her. She does nothing for herself ? I get her school bags ready, uniform all out the night before, supervise her bath and wash her hair, make her bed, tidy up her stuff etc. I acknowledge that I have created this situation as over the years I have tried to avoid situations that will cause DD2 to ?kick off?.

DD1 is more and more addicted to facebook ? she use to be a conscientious student but not anymore ? she does as little as possible to get by. She has given up her flute (grade 7) because she cannot be bothered and after being an avid reader she has read one book since September Again I get her stuff ready for her each evening ( we do leave at 7.30 and it is an effort to get them out of bed at 7am) and tidy the tip of a room. Every evening she leaves wet towels and dirty underclothes on her floor and every evening I remind her and every evening it degenerates into a row.

Sibling Rivalry is horrific between the 2 with DD1 veering between deliberately winding DD2 up and giving sly pinches etc to completely giving in to her and letting her do what ever she wants ie DD1 will just let DD2 on the PC despite DD1 being in the middle of doing something.

I try to keep calm but if I succeed then DH looses it and visa versa
This is an essay ? thanks for reading

thank you jojo1827 - do you know I feel far better equipped to deal with toddlers

But joking apart I have been laying off the alcohol (only the one large glass of wine) but I don't think it helped me keep my temper

Good luck with it

Sounds like you've got a plan, Sonnet!
Good luck.

Sonnet just a couple of small things to add as others have given some good advice.
You clearly have a very early start and many issues seem to be around having stuff ready for school. Getting up at half an hour before you have to go out is something I would have done when I was a horrible teen. They must barely have time to get washed let alone breakfast.
Get them up at 6am then there is time to have proper breakfast and get bags etc ready.

You have a big age gap there and I wouldn't expect as much of a 9 year old as a 14 year old. In other words I might pack the little one's bag but not her sister's.

By the way I have boys and when DS1 wanted to give up instrument/ scouts etc I let him. There are enough things they HAVE to do without forcing them to do activities that are supposed to be for pleasure.

Don't agree with that suggestion - making everyone get up earlier is IMO a recipe for exhaustion and disaster!

I have a dd aged 9. We also end up in shouting matches over various things. It used to getting ready in the mornings but we bought her an alarm clock for xmas and she 's enjoying the novelty of being responsible for setting it and gets up now. Of course, the novelty may well wear off soon.

Dirty knickers/socks on the floor is another issue. having heard my friend's account of her 15 year old daughter still leaving her dirty knickers (with used sanitary pads!) on her bedroom floor, I now go up to say goodnight to my daughter and if her dirty clothes are on the floor, I get her out of bed and make her put them in the wash basket (1 floor down) - it doesn;t make for any easier time tho as she hates doing it. I am thinking that I may give her a mini wash basket in her room that she could empty once a week. At least then, I am not tripping over 3 day old dirty pants

I'd sit down with them all and write a list of jobs that each person has to be complete at different points of the day.

ie) make bed, bath, homework, reading, picking up towels etc

No screen time (TV or computer)untill everything is done. Allow them an hour at the end of the day including half hour each on computer once they are on top of things.

I used to get really upset and argumentative with my parents and it's mostly cos they never gave me any real positive attention. Might be worth having one to one time with each of the kids on thier own and then also some quality whole family time. Can you ask them about activites you can do together.

Thank- you all.
Just thought I owuld update you. I strated a reply on Wednesday eve and then we had a power cut.

It has been marginally better. Wednesday was a mini meltdown byt Thursday, Friday and the weekend have been far better.
I am reading How to Talk and concentrating on "giving choices".

Inthe sticks - They get up at 7 and we leave at 7.30 which is tight I know. That is whi I insist on bags ready the night before and left by the front door. They have breakfast at school which works for them and takes away DD2's issues about eating quite soon after getting up. Previously ( last year) we would leave at 7.45 after getting up at 7 but have breakfast at home. ( I am a stickler for a proper breakfast and it became an issue. I think getting up at 6 maybe counter productive as they would be so tired. But am always interested in other ideas?.

It will be interesting to see how tonight goes.....

Sonnet I didn't realise they had breakfast at school. I just had this vision of how stressful it must be to get three of you out of bed and out of the house in the space of half an hour.

When I was 14 I would have argued that even a minute extra in bed was worth it. Now that I am old I just feel the whole day goes better if you have a slow, relaxed start.