mum of 2 feeling aggressive

[monkeyflippers]

Hi, not sure where the best place for this is. Was going to put it in mental health but that seemed a bit full on!

I have 2 under 5s who are lovely but of course it is challenging. The problem is that I went through a trauma just before I had them and it's taken me a long time to recover with medication and therapy so my start to parenting wasn't what I imagined it would be as I was in a state and I really struggled.

5 1/2 years later and I think I have only just come out the other side. I had a lot of trouble with anger during the first few years and medication helped although that made me exhausted. I'm not taking anything anymore (and haven't for a while) and I have really noticed for the last week or so that I have been feeling very aggressive. I think I have always been a little aggressive (getting quite internally angry about things and having slightly violent thoughts if someone has really done something bad to me) but what with everything that has happened I don't know what is normal for me anymore.

I have no idea what sort of mum I would have been if it hadn't been for the trauma which I find very sad, it changed me. I would love to think that I would of been a nice calm mum but maybe that would never have happened anyway seeing as I always used to get quite angry before.

Anyway the last week or so I have been particularly angry feeling and it's extremely hard when my kids are pushing me to my limits but I generally manage to stay in control. For example though, earlier today I was having a bit of a rough time out with my DCs and one of them did something naughty after having been told a dozen times not to do it, I was holding their hand and as I told DC off I gave the hand a little squeeze which wasn't torturing DC or anything but a little bit harder and it would of hurt. I always manage to keep control and don't actually think there is a danger of me not being in control but the fact that I sort of come a bit close to that line sometimes scares me. I do often end up doing things I don't want to do like shouting and letting swear words slip, and have broken quite a few things but I have never hurt my children.

What I was wondering is if there are other people who feel like this and also if it might be a bit of PMT as I'm due on. It does come and go a bit but I've never kept a record of when.

I'm really keen to hear from other people who get like this and how they deal with it whether that is punching a wall, taking vitamins, medication etc. I'm not really after though lots of people telling me what a terrible mum I am as I feel like that already and I am asking for help because I want to be a better mum.

Thanks

Well,I think most parents come fairly close to the edge at some point,even without the additional things that you've been dealing with.I know on occasion I have been annoyed enough to be rougher with dc than i would like,pulling them across a road,that kind of thing,or pushing.That has been when there has been the dreadful combination of bad sleep deprivation and hours of tricky toddler behaviour.I have also shouted too much, again,particularly when I was very tired.My temper was short,to say the least.But even DH,who is a patient person,has said that dd2 has "made him re-think" our policy of not smacking.He hasn't smacked,and I'm sure he won't,but he has got cross enough to see it as an option.Sometimes small children (and ours are much the same age as yours)are really hard work.It sounds to me as though you feel very guilty at not being the mother you might have been pre-trauma,and that you are carrying a lot of anger and turning that inward,into guilt.Please cut yourself some slack,you are doing your best.Try and walk into another room if you feel your temper rising,that really helps me,literally one minute later I feel quite calm again and it can restore the situation.Also explain to your children when you feel you have over-reacted.Anyway,just wanted to say you are not alone,I feel horrible if I've shouted at my daughters,and I do shout a lot less than I used to,but I still shout sometimes.

Sorry it's long! Should also mention that I've had depression, anxiety and have no help so am highly strung a lot of the time as I get no quiet time. I need my quiet time!

hellymelly Your post actually made me cry! thanks for being so understanding! You are definately not wrong about the guilt thing.

As for what you say about smacking . . . one of my DC is definately a "challenging one" and I did smack her lightly a couple of times. It's not something I want to do and never intend to do it again but it is hard when you have a child that can be tricky. I have a friend who has such laid back children and she doesn't understand at all how hard it can be to stay calm.

I totally agree with what you say about explaining to the children and I do do that. I say that I was upset and angry because they did abc but that I shouldn't have reacted that way and that I am sorry but I got angry. we then cuddle.

I feel so sad because I feel as though I am damaging my children as they are often around anger and I feel that I am going to cause them all sorts of problems for life and that they will hate me for it.

You sound such a thoughtful and loving person that I'm sure your children won't ever hate you.Honestly,I have met so few women who feel they are doing a great job with their children,we all worry that our failings and failures,shortcomings and personality defects will impact terribly on our children,but a really loved child can and does understand that even Mummy has limits.My daughters are brilliant fun,sparky and lovely,but they can push me to my limits (45 minute tantrums being a case in point!).I wish I could be calm through everything,but I'm not,although more sleep has made a massive difference(my three year old is only just sleeping through most nights).I also have a lot of support in that my dh works from home and is here to help if things get tough.I also need quiet time,my dh gives me coffee in bed every morning while he gives the girls breakfast,and I veg out of an evening while he cooks supper,so I think you are doing amazingly with no help,truly,but you sound so sad and hard on yourself.Please try the thing of walking into another room for a minute.Sometimes I also press a pretend rewind button with the girls and re-track to the point where things started to go awry,and we all start again.They love that and laugh along with me.Get angry at whatever happened to throw you so far off track,but don't turn that anger onto yourself,keep it outward,and be as kind to yourself as you can be.Nice food,a box of chocs here and there,a glass of wine chilled for when the children are asleep etc.Things will get better,with time.

hellymelly - made me cry again, you're so sweet!

I'm been having trouble getting to sleep the last few nights as I lie there going over the horrible things I have done that day (shouting at my kids etc).

This morning my DH woke me up early by moaning which put me in a bad mood and I started the day all wrong.

My DC was asking me a question and I was trying to answer while getting the other one dressed. I answered and but DC didn't understand and it became apparent that she didn't even really know what question she was asking. It was stressing me out and I lost my temper. I just wanted her to make herself clear and ask the question properly and then accept my answer (expecting a bit much I know of a 4yo) and not talk gibberish at me. I ended up shouting, swearing and grabbed her by the wrists. I find it so hard as she asks me questions all the time and goes on and on about it and then tells me my answer is wrong and will argue about it for hours if allowed (which isn't).

She cried and I said I was sorry but sometimes she needs to not go on and on at me. Her wrists didn't even have a pink mark on or anything so I can't have hurt but it's more that it's an agressive action even if it doesn't inflict any actual pain.

After reading your message yesterday hellymelly I wanted to try leaving the room but it's always when I can't because I'm cleaning up poo or something. Plus I flip so quickly I don't even get a chance to think about the options for that.

It's completely ruined my day to start it like that and I feel as though it has ruined hers as well. When things like that happen I think of it as a bad day and nothing can change that later.

Well,I thought of you this evening as I had the most horrendous bedtime,where I dealt with things really badly,my older dd who has just turned 6,had been very tricky all day,and at bedtime i had asked her to be really helpful as I had people coming round unexpectedly and needed to get ready/tidy up etc.She got more and more screamy and defiant and tantrummy,and what I SHOULD have done was to calm down a bit myself,give her five minutes of really focused attention and affection,and then I think things would have gone fine.But what I actually did was get crosser and crosser and more harrassed,shout a lot,which made her worse,and then haul her up the stairs to bed,with her struggling and trying to run back downstairs.OH DEAR. Not my best parenting moment.Anyway,I felt,as you do,really upset and awful,she was crying,I started crying,my three year old was kissing me and trying to make it all better,it was a mess.So I totally understand,especially about the need to leave the room being greatest when it just isn't possible to do that.On another evening,without the imminent arrival of guests,I might have just handed it all over to DH and taken a five minute walk around the block.I just want to reassure you that although that sort of evening in my house is rare,it isn't rare enough! You are not alone,there are probably loads of us,sitting down after the children are asleep and wishing we'd dealt with something differently.I am hoping that next time I will deal with it in a better way,and actually,I have got better at avoiding that sort of awful escalating head-to-head,my dcs are a bit older than yours and with practice you do get a bit better.I'm more likely to predict the flashpoints and circumnavigate them now,just not all the time,tonight being a case in point.So there you are,we ALL mess up,because we are learning.I was smacked as a child,and I'm having to find ways of dealing with naughtiness that don't involve smacking,but I didn't learn that growing up,so it can be a hard road.Sending you a hug from a fellow mother x

I can be a very angry person. Have been awful with my babies (although mostly in my head it still is unacceptable). But not much to add personally as my boys are still quite young and I have thankfully got much better as they have let me sleep more.

However I am also the daughter of a very angry woman so thought I'd offer opinions from that perspective. She was quick to explode, and quick to apologise. She always made it clear (though my memories are probably from about 8 yo) that although our behaviour may trigger it she loved us and we never felt that was in question. We saw her getting furious with EVERYONE! Her parents, my dad, friends, strangers so really never took it personally. And found it easier to deal with than the internalised rage of my dad.

I am not condoning your behaviour, or suggesting you shouldn't try to deal with it. But if this is how you are, perhaps you could be thinking about explaining your reactions too?