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Siblingd jealousy and rivalry, specifically twins.

6 replies

standinginthewayofcontrol · 09/01/2011 20:26

Hi, i'm a regular here but have namechanged cause a few people in RL know my chat name.

The jealousy between my eldest, my DTD1 15 (in year 11) towards DTD2 has become almost unbearable over the Christmas holidays, they are back to school half way through next week, and for the first time I can't wait for them to go :( They both go to the same boarding school, out of choice, which though they are in different boarding houses has limited their friendships a bit.

A bit of background:
They are fraternal twins, with DTD1 being very academic, and DTD2 far more artsy and sporty. DH and I have been very grateful of this, as until now there has been very little rivalry between them aside from normal sibling stuff as they have completely different strength and weaknesses.

This said, we did notice a bit of jealousy when they were younger from DTD1 as DTD2 was better at sport, which was more obvious than DTD1's academic achievements, but this was very minimal and only generally happened at the end of term when everyone was very tired.

DTD1 is also far more eager to please than DTD2 who is very chilled, and lets things come to her. Though they have both been popular at school, DTD2 has been more so, and I'm starting to think that this has had a sub conscious effect on DTD1's confidence, as her sister is generally asked to more parties and has friends inviting her round, whereas DTD1 tend to do all the ringing up and organising. This became especially obvious over Christmas, when DTD2 was out a lot, and though she always asked DTD1 if she wanted to come along I think it only rubbed it in. It became especially noticeable on NYE when DTD2 went to a friends birthday supper (a girl who DTD1 isn't friends with), and DTD1 had to come with us and her younger siblings after her plans fell through.

Things came to a head when DTD2 was model scouted at the beginning of the holidays. We have always been very happy that the girls don't look identical, though they are quite obviously sisters as it has largely prevented the 'twinny' comments and associations. They are both beautiful girls with long, thick blonde hair and olivey complexions, but, though I hate typing this DTD2 has always been the more conventionally 'prettier' of the two. She is much taller than DTD1 at 5ft 10 and after visiting the agency with her last week I saw that she does have the 'model features'; high forehead, wide set eyes, good cheekbones ect.. She is also the far leggier and leaner of the two, though they both are skinny. We had a meeting with her agent at the beginning of the week when she was officially signed, and the next day she booked a big job for a major magazine. I think DTD2 is very nervous, but DTD1 has been sulking ever since.

I took DTD1 out to supper last night for a chat, where it transpired that she thinks DTD2 has 'everything going for her and always has'. I just feel really sad that DTD1 can't appreciate her own talents, of which she has so much. :( DH thinks it is a self esteem issue, but we both really want it sorted before DTD2 also doesn't understand what she has done wrong, so has started to get quite annoyed with DTD1.

Reading back over this I realise I have really bigged up DTD2, but this is, as I see it how DTD1 see's her. I realise this is quite an essay but if anyone has any tips or advice it would be very much appreciated.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
standinginthewayofcontrol · 09/01/2011 20:27

god, spelling mistake in the title Blush

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standinginthewayofcontrol · 09/01/2011 22:07

bump

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talkingnonsense · 10/01/2011 06:46

Hi not sure I can help but didn't want this unanswered. Would the multiple birth section have some advice? Otherwise all I can say is I was always v jealous of my taller, thinner, more social able younger sister, which led to some vile rows as teenagers, but I did know it wasn't her "fault" how she looked, and we do have a great relationship now. Just keep reassuring dtd1 that she is bright, pretty, likeable; give her opportunities to do things she likes, and things she can shine at ( trivial persuit? Crosswords?), without belittling dtd2 and show them both you love them, and I'm sure it will be ok.

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talkingnonsense · 10/01/2011 18:44

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WhenPaperclipsAttack · 10/01/2011 19:26

Again I may not be much help, but as one of a pair I thought I might chip in my two pence just in case! I'm the younger of fraternal twins and my older sister is prettier, thinner, more popular and generally more successful than me. The only thing I've got going for me really is that I'm taller! More objectively there are some things that I'm better at than her, and in childhood there were times when I did a bit better in school, but my overall impression is that she has done better with what she had than I have. Certainly some of that is down to her working bloody hard (she's a doctor) while I am contently lazy, but some is down to genetics and luck.

I think I found that hard when we were younger. We were at the same school but in different classes, then at secondary school in different tutor groups but we shared all the streamed classes like maths and science. I felt quite competitive until we were teenagers and then I chilled out a bit with academics, but I've always been jealous of the easy way she makes friends and often ended up "tagging along" with her group. That certainly made me feel like a bit of a social reject, and I can emphasise with your older daughter. All I can say is that I came to terms with it in my own time, and it got easier as we both got older and matured. Once we went off to different unis I developed my own friendship group and didn't feel like the tag-along little sister any more, and I think in a way I grew closer to my sister. She is spending a year in Australia and I email her every day and Skype each week!

Sorry there is no useful advice there, but your older daughter might benefit from knowing she's not the first to experience these sorts of trials in their teenage years, and that things will hopefully improve with time.

standinginthewayofcontrol · 10/01/2011 21:47

Thanks Talkingnonsense and WhenPaperclipsAttack, I actually posted this in teenagers in the end and got a far better response :)

I am going to sit them both down tomorrow when their siblings are out and got everything out on the table. At least they will know where they stand and we won't have any more brooding moodines (I hope!)

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