I don't know if the 'safe' thread for UP approach parents got set up? I'm not looking to get into the fors and againsts of the UP approach, but I would be really grateful for some advice from like-minded parents on how to deal with DD's hitting.
DD started hitting at bedtime, a while back now - before her brother arrived certainly, but while I was pregnant. DH or I would be reading stories and she will suddenly slap us in the face. DH's approach is she gets one warning, she does it again, he stops the story, puts her in the cotbed and walks out. Sometimes he'll go back in after staying out for a minute or two and finish off the routine, sometimes he leaves her. I do similarly except if she does it after the warning, I say "right, I think DD needs a sleep", cut the story short but then do the rest of the routine (song, kisses etc) - I don't leave her. We differ slightly in our approach, DH will get crosser with her in tone and manner while I try to stay calm whatever (hard as that is!) As an aside, I don't have a problem with DH doing things his way if he said to DD that hitting has made Daddy cross and he needs to go away to calm down, rather than it being 'love withdrawal' - am I splitting hairs or does that make a difference? DH is losing the faith with UP - I'll come back to that point though.
I do think there is a link between hitting and overtiredness, she is in process of dropping her afternoon nap at the moment and has started hitting during the day. Yesterday was final-straw for DH who says that our approach isn't working. What we have been doing in the day is, when DD has hit someone, we get down to her level, hold her hands and say her name til we've got eye contact and then say "DD, we don't hit. Hitting gives people bad bumps and makes them sad. We don't hit. Okay?" Tone of voice fairly stern, followed up by a hug/kiss. Sometimes, we pick her up and remove her from the situation if it involves a child (or her 10wk old brother - which to be fair is rarely and I know sibling jealousy is probably playing it's part). Btw, we call it a bump as she understands that to mean hurt, although she doesn't understand 'hurt', iyswim.
The reason DH thinks this approach isn't working is that last night for instance, DD had hit me while sat on my lap, I did the spiel about not hitting, she laughed and hit me again - pretty hard for a 2yo as well, it left a mark for a while after. I was doing something with her at the time, she'd asked me to tie a string on a balloon I think, so it wasn't as if she wasn't getting attention. I took her off my lap and said I didn't want to play any more as I was hurt, and she came and gave me a kiss and said "Awwww, all better." Which is what we do when she does fall over or get hurt. She seems to think it's okay to hit if she kisses it better? Or is that she's kissing it better showing that she is sorry in her way? DH doesn't think she looks sorry... DH doesn't think she takes us seriously and thinks she needs consequences that are unpleasant in order to teach her not to hit. My argument is that's a short-termist approach and the whole point of UP is that it is a long-game. On the whole, DD is quite good - she has her moments, but most days we get through without major showdowns - she is fairly compliant, but I can't prove that's to do with the parenting approach rather than just how she is. But I am wavering and worrying that we're going to be raising a thug that terrorises others... DD had some friends over yesterday and she was swinging her beanbag bear at one of the smaller ones, the mother was very sweet and said she thought DD did it accidentally, but I saw her do it and the first time was accidental, but the second time she did it wasn't. And I know it was probably experimental and wanting to see what happened if she did it again, having not intended for the bear to connect the first time, but I don't want her hurting others. Not hitting is non-negotiable. Overtiredness, sibling rivalry, experimentation and attention-seeking are all reasons behind why she might be hitting but there's only so much I can do to offset these reasons and I do need a way of dealing with the hitting that I can feel more confident is being effective...
Is there a better way to deal with this, or is there a way to convince DH it's worth sticking with UP?
(PS may have to post and run but will be back later - thanks in advance.)