Parenting style - suddenly insecure

[littlebylittle]

This might sound ridiculous bu can't sleep and dh cross with me so thought i'd share. Have for last few years had fairly laid back approach wit dd (5). Encouraged activities, but not pushed. Encouraged enjoyment prob much less than achievement and not pushed to continue them if she hasn't enjoyed. Do school reading books as well as lots of stories, but don't compare with others. Do range of physical, creative and other stuff, but not over worries when fair amount of tv watched. And not got involved in over emphasising being "good" at stuff, or competitiveness. And had generally been pleased that dd enthusiastic about stuff but not that worried about rank among peers or neurotic about getting stuff right.
Now thrown into disarray by dd not being invited into gym class' competition, where they learn and perform a little routine. It suddenly smarts that her ability or aptitude doesn't fit and makes me feel rubbish that I've maybe not brought out the right stuff. I am so aware that I need to get a grip but also worry that she might not get that drive to succeed- even for the satisfaction it brings. And also, she didn't want to do the competition - because she might not win. Help. Pl bear in mind it's late, i'm not being all that rational and I'm pregnant to boot!!!

She's 5. Not wanting to compete at that age is no indicator that she won't want to at a later stage.

Pushing her might have made her more competitive now and helped her be a great gymnast; or it might have made her hate gymnastics and being put in competitive situations, destroyed her confidence in herself and taken all the joy out of her childhood.

Children are different. 5 is very young. You're doing fine.

Why is your DH cross with you?

Think he's cross that it dominated our evening with me mothering and he suspected I wouldn't sleep then be grumpy next day- all true!! But also that up til then thought we were doing fine then that a relatively trivial issue rocked boat.

I was similar to you, although I have no idea which is the 'right' or 'wrong' way to do these things. My dd is now 13 and it seems not to have adversely affected her. At 5, my dd didn't compete in anything - I wasn't able to commit to weekend classes because of her access with her Dad and she only went to a couple of things (rainbows and tried a few other things). I also was more interested in her happiness and would let her try things and stop them if she didn't want to. She has friends who weren't allowed to give things up and one is now so good at one particular sport, she is the number 1 in Scotland , so that method has also paid off.

She started gymnastics at about 7 (her choice) was really good, decided to do some dance about 9 and she now attends a specialist dance high school and is at the same level as her peers who have danced since 3. She is extremely committed and taskes it very seriously - annoying when I am trying to relax as she dances all the time. I expect her committment partly down to her own personality anddrive, but I feel it is also due to it being something she is mad about and decided to do herself. And, just like all parenting of course, partly due to a large amount of luck.

She is only 5. Plenty of children that age cling (metaphorically) to mummy's skirts and can't handle competition, doesn't mean they won't eventually grow up into perfectly competent adults. Give her time.

And besides- have been longing to say this on MN for a long time - not all of adult life is about competing against other people. Even as an academic (a fairly competitive field) I spend far more of my life thinking about whether my work is good enough for me than worrying about how I rate in comparison to Professor X or Dr Y. And I know plenty of people whose perfectly successful lives involve far less competition than mine.

Dealing with competition is only one useful skill for adult life. There are scores of others equally valuable. And you don't have to demonstrate them all aged 5.

Cory, you are so right. I listened to an interesting radio programme about a study which said kids who start sport later tend to have less of a burn out rate that those who start very young. I'm sure there are many other studies which say the opposite too of course...

Op - You are doing fine. Be kinder to yourself and tell your DH to be kinder to you. When you're doubting yourself is when you need support not opprobrium. Plus, listen to Cory.

You're all brilliant. 24 hours on I feel so much more balanced about the whole thing. Life isn't all about constant competition, for me it has been involved sometimes, but even for jobs, uni places etc it has been fairly anonymous and in short bursts as a means to an end to get to the bit where, like Cory says, most of my time was spent being my best, not the best. So why on earth does dd have to get into it whenshe isn' emotionally ready for competing, winning or losing. Had chat to real life friend who faces similar dilemma- her son invited to join competitive squad at his gym place but she doesn't think he's ready for it either. So it's not even necessarily sour grapes about not being fab at gym. Where I go from here seems to be reflecting on how to raise a child who achieves and works hard for how she does, not to beat others. Does seem to me that some competition is a quick fix to raise standards either personally or institutionally and long term happiness and personal satisfaction can be the casualty.
Anyhow, will sleep well tonight- thank you