Coping with a toddler and newborn? Please help.

[ClarasMummy]

DS is a week old now and is a little angel so far, DD however is going through a difficult time adjusting and her behaviour has become incredibly difficult to deal with. I literally have no idea how I'll cope with both of them when DP goes back to work. I don't know how I'll keep the house in a decent state or even find time to go to the bathroom.
I'm coming out of a severe bout of depression which doesn't help.
How do those of you with a newborn and toddler cope by yourselves? Any tips/ideas would be so appreciated as I really am terrified of next week when DP goes back to work.

There'll be people coming on with better advise than me, I'm sure.

For me, I got through it by lowering my expectations of housework etc and picked my battles with the eldest. I tried to get out every day, even if it was just a drive so they'd sleep at the same time and I'd take a book and a pillow and sit in a layby overlooking the sea with a flask of coffee(or a red bull!)

Playgroups and any toddler friendly activities (soft play near me was great and didn't smell of wee) where dd1 could be let off the leash and I could sit with the baby saved my life I think.

It was bloody hard, but mine are 3 and 4 now and playing happily downstairs as they have been since 6am.

It gets better and easier with time and is all worth it.

Congratulations on your new arrival! Don't panic-a week is a very short time for anyone after the birth. It will take a while for you to recover from the birth,allow as much time for this as possible,and then time for the whole family to adjust. Practically,forget about housework the first few weeks,take any help offered and just do what you need to get by! Do you have a bouncy chair? I take mine from room to room so baby can watch me and ds playing...keeping both entertained. Are you bf? If so invite dd to sit beside you and read a book,watch a tv programme together,chat with her....anything so she feels included. When baby is asleep spend time 1-1 with dd. Goodluck,before you know it you won't remember a time when you only had 1!

I can't offer any advice but if it makes you feel better I am very worried about this, in fact it has made my delay no. 2 but I've just found put I am pg so going to watch this with interest.

I have a friend who recently had no. 3 but she is defo one of those supermum types.

I won't pretend it's not hard, but you find ways of coping or making it easier. Some great advice a friend gave was to not assume you can carry on the routines that you have developed for your toddler, ie they don't always need to have meals at the same time, etc. I wish someone had told me at the beginning that toddlers don't need a bath every day! Getting out was key for me so I didn't feel cooped up and had adult company- which I have found is key to me feeling like I've had a decent day. Playgroups are brilliant as a PP says, means you can BF and keep an eye on toddler at same time. Cheaper than soft play every day. A sling is also a fabulous thing, I wore DS2 for most of his first few months as then they are happy and close to you (and warm, especially in winter), but you also have your hands free for your toddler.

Oh and you must compromise on your beautiful hand cooked meals, DS1 and I ate lots of freezer-to-cooker meals when I couldn't put DS2 down. If you are having a good day where little ones are sleeping at the same time, batch cook for a not-so-good day.

I have a 19month age gap between mine. Things that helped me cope were
Having a sling and being able to BF/feed DD2 on the go so we could spend all morning in the park/playgroup, thus giving me afternoon off while DD1 napped.
Cbeebies. and sky+. Used when DD2 was creating/bfing frenzy to distract dd1 while she sat next to me.

FInding other mothers at playgroup who I could offload onto.

Lowering expectations. Massively. Not that mine were high to start with but if DD1 only got fruit, scrambled eggs and pesto pasta for a week she woudl survive. Make things easy on yourself, get a slowcooker so you can chuck everything in whiel oldest has breakfast and then spoon it out later.
And take it easy. It's exhausting but doable as long as you don't think you need to be supermum. They will cry, and they will fight, it doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, it means they are children.

FWIW mine share a room and play happily for hours together now, close as anything, they help each other do their jobs and DD1 even helped me potty train DD2!

It does get easier - first 12 weeks are the hardest.

Definitly low expectations - if you get through the day without all three of you ending up in tears, thats a good day

If you can get them both to nap together use the time to rest - I found when I could do that it really realy helped. DD now rarely naps, but we often have some afternoon beebies when I cuddle up with her and rest my eyes. She watched huge amounts of telly in the early days.

Accept any offers of help.

My dd was very difficult to start with but did adapt v. quickly - I remember lying awake on many nights feeling so awful because it felt like i had been horrid to her all day - it gets better.

I have an 18m gap between mine - DS is now 6 weeks old and tbh I don't know how I would have coped without a sling. He spends the majority of his time in it and it means I can still do DD stuff/ cook etc without going mad. Some days it's a case of getting through the next hour without going nuts. Then the next one. Then it's bedtime!
A few things to make life easier

1. Neither toddlers nor newborns 'need' baths. DD has one a week and DS has had one since being born.
2. Give up housework!
3. Make sure baby is fed before you change toddler's nappy - I've had some incredibly stressful nappy changes when I'm wrist-deep in poo and DS is suddenly starving and yells the place down.
4. Accept there will be periods of 'overlap' when you simply do not have enough hands and try to stay calm.
5. Get DH to baby-wrangle at the weekends and do a batch of cooking. Beg frozen dishes off friends, buy ready meals - the evening is stressful enough without worrying about cooking.

Good luck!

Things that helped me

Getting out once a day most days to a playgroup/park/friends

Having plenty of things for toddler to do at home like playdough and those painting things that just require water.

Using the slow cooker as I seemed to have more time and energy in the mornings and relying on freezer or frozen home cooked meals.
Also, making sandwiches for lunch in the morning too.

Try to get dh help you to make sure that kitchen and lounge are tidy every evening.
The following day just seems easier then.

Don't feel bad if the tv is on a lot.

Wonderstuff - I was going to put 'Lower expectations: all you need to do is make sure you are all alive at the end of the day.'
Clearly my standards are lower than yours

"I don't know how I'll keep the house in a decent state"

ha ha ha ha ha. You don't have to, it's not compulsary.

1. Buy a slow cooker
2. Buy a sling
3. Point out to your DH either he keeps his mouth shut about the state of the house or he mucks in more. Your "job" is to look after 2 children and it doesn't end at 5pm.
4. Lean on your friends, that's what they are there for.
5. Try and find 30minutes a day to devote to your toddler when baby is asleep or DH is looking after baby. Read story, do painting just don't be holding the baby if possible.

(P.s My toddler loves baths so he still has one practically every day I just bung the baby in with him and then dry and dress her whilst he is playing in the bath)

also you will be surprised how soon they start to entertain each other. The first few months will fly by and you will soon find that having a baby actually makes it easier to entertain the toddler, because it's like a fascinating alive doll, and that the toddler will be an interesting thing for the baby to watch so it will be easier to keep the baby amused.

you get more moments of high drama with two children close in age but you also get times when they are keeping each other happy and you have to do less than you would with just one.

good luck with the difficult bit, it will get easier soon. xxx

great advice on here. One thing I'd add - be a bit organised and make lunch for you and your toddler the night before, or get DH to do it. In the early days DH used to make sandwiches for us and leave them in the fridge so all I had to do at lunchtime was sling them on a plate.

Also second Cebeebies, easy meals for you and DH (we ate a lot of fresh pasta, M&S meal deals and jacket spuds), don't bath them every day and try and get out every day if you can - baby can nap in the pushchair while you push the toddler on the swing/let them run around at a toddler group etc. If your DD is feeling left out and playing up it's best to try and keep her routine as normal as possible. And it's ok to leave the baby cry sometimes - it's usually easier to sort out the toddler's needs first before you settle down to feed/settle baby.

It gets easier, my DDs are 2.8 and 6 months now, and somehow we have all survived!

sethstarkaddersmum I so far have had a few days where dh has come home to find us all in tears - have managed to keep us all alive thus far - You need to all be alive - the ideal is to have no more than one of you sobbing at any one time

My son is 6 months now and I'm actually enjoying them mostly now - ds just loves watching dd and dd loves her baby brother and hasn't tried to kill him for weeks now.

me too Wonderstuff! But not for a long time now (youngest is 15 months now). There were some tough days when I was pg with ds2 though....

Best bit of advice I was given was to take one day at a time. Just do whatever you need to do to keep the children, and you, as happy as possible today.
Good luck and enjoy!

Good advice here. Mine are 2.3 apart. tbh I found the first four months HELL. I ended up throwing some money at the situation - cleaning help, service washes and a bit of childcare as I was caring for both full time. any help you can get now is the time.

My "baby" is now 15 months and, honestly, they are the best of friends and delightful. And all just so much easier. I love having the two of them now. People told me this would happen, some of them here on Mumsnet, and I couldn't quite believe them at the time. But it's true.

My dd was tricky too. I found praising hte good and ignoring the bad was hte most effective tack. Also, talking to them equally, even though ds can't possibly understand yet, it's important that she sees that they are treated equally. And also let her be the baby a bit too. They really really need to feel they are still your baby too.