What's a 4 year age gap like?

[NeverlandOfFun]

Me and dh are currently wnting to conceive DC2. Our DS is 3.5 and at nursery school 5 mornings a week between 9 and 12noon.

Also, I had a beautiful pregnancy and delivery with ds and I am now a bit panicked that things may not go as smoothly next time. I think last time I was so lucky and wasn't really as aware of how many things can go wrong etc.

Any tips on coping with 2 and how it changed your life? Is it really as hard as I am imagining?!

Also slighty worried how ds will accept a sibling. Some days he comes and asks for a brother or sister, then other days he says he never wants one because he doesn't want to share us. I think it's normal but how do we make it easier on him? We haven't told him we are thinking of having baby yet obviously in case there are any problems but I am not sure how to best prepare him.

'What's a 4 year age gap like?'

Fantastic I would say. I have two boys with this gap. I did wait until it was pretty obvious I was pregnant before telling DS1. I don't know what I expected when we told him but it was a bit of an anti climax as he sort of shrugged his shoulders and carried on playing. However I ensured from that point on that I included him in on decisions to do with the baby so he felt like he had a role to play and was not going to be side lined. We chose things for the baby together although had to draw the line at his name choice (Dino Boy!!!!).

I also subtly stopped doing quite as much for DS1 when pregnant because obviously I realised I wasn't really in a position to be at his beck and call as I had been and I didn't want him to associate the baby with this. I stopped carrying him as much for a start off and made sure that he put his own shoes on, clothes etc, etc when before I would have been quite happy to do it for him if he wished.

When DS2 was born the biggest shock to me was realising just how far we'd come with DS1. It was like going back to square one having someone completely dependent on me. I made a conscious decision that before sitting down to BF DS2 I would ask DS1 if he needed anything (drink, snack toy or whatever) so he knew I had considered him and I didn't have the difficult situation of trying to feed DS2 with DS1 despearately wanting my help with soemthing. I did tell him that I would do this so he realised that he was still important but that once I was feeding DS2 I couldn't just leave hime to attend to his needs.

I have been very lucky and DS1 has never shown any signs of jealousy and loves his brother. They adore each other.They have played very well together but I think having an older brother seems to have made DS2 grow up a lot faster than he would have done. He seemed to go from Teletubbies to Power Rangers without much of a transition in between!!

My only concern now is that DS1 (now 10)is getting a bit pre teenish and sometimes doesn't have as much time for DS2 as he once did have. I do worry that when he he hits the teenage years proper he will completely cut out DS2 which I know would really upset DS2.

Thank you for sharing that BodleianBabe. Sounds like it has been wonderful for you so far. I share the same concerns as you with regards to him getting older and cutting out ds2 or dd because of the fairly large age gap. I worry we have left it so long that they may never be friends iykwim?

That said, there are plenty of siblings just a year apart who can not stand eachother so I think there's a risk however long we left it.

The good thing is that by the time any potential baby arrived, ds would be full time school so it would give me baby time so I could focus on ds more when he is home without feeling like I was neglecting dc2.

There's so much to consider really isn't there?

Oh yes there is. I often hear people saying that they want their DCs close together so they can all play together and be really close and I always think mmmmmmmmm doesn't alwasy work out that way?? If your child is only 18 months when the sibling comes along it must be very difficult for the elder child because they can't fully understand why they're no longer the cnetre of the universe and possibly si more likely to resent to new arrival??

At least DS1 was old enough to understand and also provide real practical help (bringing me nappies wipes etc etc). DS2 was 5 weeks old when DS1 started school so I think in some ways that also helped because he had his own 'big boy thing' to occupy him and I could concentrate on DS2 and not feel he was being neglected. Initially I was going to leave DS1 in nursery to give me a chance to sort things out with DS2 on my own at home but he got so upset that in the end I stopped him after a week. However there was no problem with him going to school because he was excited about and saw it as a 'big boy thing'.

Will see how things pan out with the teenage years. I am making sure DS2 spends time with his own friends as it is very easy for him just to fall in with DS1 and rely on him for company.

PS Also found the birth with DS2 much better than with DS1 because I knew what to expect and was a lot calmer. Probably a bit too calm if I think about it. Dropped DS1 off at nursery. Had what I thought was a contraction. Drove myself up to hospital for a pre arranged ante natal appointment and out he popped and hour and a half later!!

Oh my word that was a quick labour! See for some reason I was very calm when I was in labour with ds. It was very slow labour, lasted about 2 days altogether but because it was so slow, I was able to be really prepared and did most of it at home. By time we went to hospital I was just so ready and it was perfect really. No complications, no pain relief. Very lucky!

Now for some reason, this time, I'm not even pregnant yet and I am already panicing! I think it's because I know now that if anything goes wrong or anything happens to me then it impacts on DS1 now too. Also just arranging childcare when I'm in hospital etc, it's so much harder this time because I want it to go as smoothly as possible for DS iyswim?

I think I may be overthinking things though, I have a tendancy to do that!

Thank you very much for taking the time to give me your experience of it all. I wouldn't worry too much about the teenage years just yet. You'll probably find they'll grow even closer. I think my main worry is that they'll never bond because of the age gap but yours already have!

There's 5 years between me and my sister and as children, we pretty much hardly ever did anything together because she was so much older but now she's 33 and I am 28 we are incredibly close so it all worked out in the end somwehere in my late teens! You can never predict these things really. Only 18 months between my brother and sister and they have never got on, even now they are civil to eachother but only see eachother maybe twice a year. Perhaps there isn't a right time or a perfect age gap. Thanks again for your input. x

DS is 4.5yrs and DC2 is due end of March. I don't have any practical experience of the age gap in practise yet, but so far, with the pregnancy, it has been easier having DS being able to do things for himself rather than having to chase a toddler around the house and do nappy changes etc. He also understands that there is a baby in my tummy and he is very affectionate towards the bump

The age gap wasn't through choice though, we started TTC two years ago and it took a while to get pregnant with this one! Having said that, I think its easier now that DS is at school as although I've got the school run to factor in, it means I will have time with the baby during the day and then can see DS when he comes home from school

I think the school run will break up the day a bit as well...can remember being home with DS and it seemed such a long day when DH left the house at 8am and didn't come back until 6pm!!

Also, for the birth I have decided that DH and DS will drop me into hospital, DH will return home and wait for my mum to arrive to look after DS (she lives 2 hrs away) and then when she is there, join me at the hospital

Of course, we run the risk of, if the labour is very fast, of DH missing it but I had an em cs last time and I know I will not relax if we drop DS off at a friends house and leave him crying for both of us and of course, stress in labour will not be good for me so we feel that is the best plan. DS would probably be fine at my friends house after the initial 10 mins of upset but I just wouldn't relax!

I also have 2 boys with a 4 yr age gap. They are now 7 and 11,
I'd agree with everything Bodlian says- and ecislly noticed the jump from teletubbies to power rangers - I totally missed Thomas with ds2.

They've always been close, but now ds1 is at secondary school I can start to see them doing more and more things separately , but I think they've had a great Tim together.

I wouldn't have wanted to leave a bigger gap though, and I also guess it may be different if you hav a ds and a dd.

I have 2 4.5 year gaps, and generally it works out fine. You have the elder one at school so can do lots of baby snuggling on the sofa without the other one feelign ignored, and once they get older, oyu have built in babysitters. DD1 and DD2 are very close, DD2 and DD3 less so, but as DD3 gets a bit older I expect that will change (DD2 is 12 and DD3 is 8 at the moment, and the developmental gap is quite big).

Biggest issue is trying to find stuff that everyone can do together in terms of activities, days out, as someone always has to compromise. We try to balance it out though so that it's not always one DC.

Oh yes, just had a flashback to when ds was baby. My dh leaving at 6:30am and not coming home til 6:30pm, such a long day! Thinking back it was awful... remind me again why we are doing it all again?

I hope the school run works out as a nice trip out just for a bit of a walk although it's only 5 mins from our house but it's still good to get out. Also dh now doesn't work 12 hour shifts just 8 hours so that should hopefully make it bearable! I found the first 9 months or so with ds very isolating but hopefully with having a 3 year old already I will have to make an effort to remain social.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Pussinjimmychoos, I also have to take into account that I may not get pregnant as easily as I did with ds and there could be a 5 or 6 yr age gap!

Neverland - I hope it happens quickly for you

We just started going down the fertility consultant route...forked out £300 for a consult, private scan etc and then £26 for private prescription of Clomid..didn't even get chance to take it...2 weeks later I was pg! Have joked with Dh that it's coming of out DC2's pocket money

I am a bit wary of the rush of the school run and having the afternoon nap disrupted by the school run, but I figure it will give me something to do ie having to get baby ready, go out etc. A friend of mine who has a 5 year gap between her two DCs said she found the school run helpful in terms of being organised and helping her to get out and about. So much so, that she didn't feel the need to fill the day with baby classes as it helped to keep her busy

I still envisage doing the odd run with mad hair and bags under eyes in the early months though

Oh God I still do that now! Mad hair, not even washed my face yet. I dread to think what I will deteriorate to after dc2!

Thank you I hope it happens soon too.

Sounds like you're well within your rights to make dc2 pay for it! The little monkey! .

This is great to read, ds is 3.8 and ds2 is due in about 7 weeks, like the tips re. breastfeeding etc.

I also found almost as soon as I was pregnant (first trimester fatigue - oh my GOD) I also started making ds1 a bit more independant, not carrying him so much etc. Also re. getting dressed/ undressed/ putting on and taking off shoes and jacket etc. Luckily it is all stuff he was kind of doing but we were babying him quite a lot still and I think its been great for him to have that push to be more of a big boy. He walks so much more now, we still used a pushchair when out in town before I got pregnant (VERY lazy child) and we´ve slowly left it far behind so he doesn´t even think of taking it. Poor dh still has to carry him occasionally when he´s tired but he knows not to ask me anymore. I am glad we´ve done these things gradually over 8 months so its not connected to the baby.

He is very very excited to be a big brother, very interested in the baby and in fact all babies. Not sure how that will translate once it is actually here taking up space but hey ho. He´ll deal, as will we all.

We waited this long on purpose, - where i live kids start school the year they turn 3 so ds has already been settled at school for a term and that means I have every day 09am-2pm with the baby and then dh is home at 2pm so there will be two of us to tackle the terrible two. Fingers crossed it will all be okay

Just to say there was almost 7 years between my little sister and I and we were best mates til I was about 13 when I naturally got into different things. I think it was a bit hard for her looking back, I remember my mum pulling me up on it. But it is natural and she obviously got over it quite quickly. To be honest we didn´t really get that close again until she was about 17/18 but now she is one of my favourite people and makes me laugh almost more than anyone else in the world. Having said that my older sister is not even 3 years older than me and we weren´t really close until she left home at 18 either. I don´t think teen siblings generally get on with each other (or anyone), do they?!

Thanks for the tales and advice. I too have just foind out I am pg with baby2. My DD will be 4.5 when this one appears all going well. She will be starting school when the baby is due so that may be a bit tricky but I am hoping the sibling rivaly will be ok as she has 'big' girl school to fill her days.
There is a 5yr gap between me and my sis and we were very close, but I do remeber anoying her lots when she was a teenager and I wasnt! But we stayed close once we got through that bumpy 5yrs in late teens.
It was a wake up call thought to think I have another 5.5yrs to go before this one starts school...... just as we were getting out of the hard early years. I am apprehensive as I didnt enjoy the first 9mths of DD1 but hoping will be less stressed this time around!

Thanks all. Sounds sinmilar to us ssmile. I hated ds baby bit. I found it just din't come naturally to me at all. I loved him and was fiercely protective of him but I didn't really understand him or enjoy my time with him. I just wanted him to grow up and be a child! I am stunned that I feel the need to have another but I am hoping I'll be a bit more chilled this time and hopefully a bit more confident in my own ability. I think the 'light at the end of the tunnel' effect will be a life saver too. Last time I was so stressed out byit all and thought my life would be like that forever, this time we know the baby bit does end and it gets so much better!

Going out to shops, so haven't read all posts. but, we have 4 year age gap and is fab. now 9 and 5, they get on great, do fight, but on the whole the absolute best of friends!

I have a 11 week old Ds2 and ds1 was 4 last month. So far the age gap is fab as ds1 is so much more independent than a toddler, very helpful and understanding. I have same issues and concerns as everyone else, but so far I would not change it at all. We do sometimes find it hard entertaining ds1, so we invite friends over as much as possible. Good luck!

DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 3. The gap works wonderfully for us. So wonderfully I am now pg with DC£ and will have another 4 year gap.

No got time for a long post but DS1 was 3.5 when DS2 arrived and I think the age gap worked really well - in fact I look at friends with children 1 or 2 years apart and wonder how on earth they coped . We had a few wobbles when DS2 first arrived with DS1 fighting for attention but being able to talk to the older one and actually communicate makes life so much easier. Also I never bothered with double buggy, didn't have to worry about DS1 suddenly needing the loo whilst I was BF as he was fine to go alone plus of course by this sort of age they are generally at nursery or school most days so you get some lovely 1-2-1 time with the baby. And now DS is 18mths, walking sort of communicating, they play so well together (mostly ) and DS2 gets so excited collecting him from school it just melts my heart.

If I can ever persuade DH to have another I'd go for a similar (or slightly older even) ago gap.
God luck and enjoy.
LCN
PS DS2 was a far far easier & more positive birth despite being 1.5lbs heavier & posterior.

Thank you again everyone. All positive stories so far which is exactly what I needed to hear thank you .

I am really excited about it now and gradually geeling less anxious. I am sure the anxiety may rear up again the second I find out I am pregnant which hopefully will be soon!

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