HELP.

[smartie]

This has been an awful summer.

1st we stripped out the livingroom to building site standards then I injured my back at work, 3 months off sick and dh needed for childcare assistance on his days off, so livingroom still a building site. (We work opposite shifts so avoiding the need for a childminder etc)

A week after I went back to work our lives fell apart, dd2 almost 3yrs, told me that ds's friend had been sexually interferring with her, touching bodies, sucking his willy, licking front and back bottoms, her to him and him to her. Ds-8 confirmed this, he had been present, it had happened on several occasions. The friend, almost 9, told ds that all girls do it and when ds threatened to tell, friend seemed not to care. Ds was aware it was a naughty game and that his friend was not high in my estimations, so kept quiet, apparently struggling with split loyalties.

Dd2 showed and is still showing, (this all hit the proverbial fan 2 and a half weeks ago), signs of stress and regression. Bed wetting and several daytime accidents, both very unusual, she's been dry day and night for almost a year, apetite decrease, needs to be fed, more wingey than usual, clingy, overtly shy/lacking in confidence and she has a funny little tick, a kind of throat clearing noise, that worsens during times of stress, eg mummy raising voice for what ever reason!

Due to the above, my shock and panic and not knowing what else to do I contacted a health visitor, (who was absolutely useless it has to be said), she involved social services, following which I have received an incredibly unpleasant letter from 'friends' mother.

I am stuggling with a disturbed dd2, a frightened, possibly also disturbed ds, (seeing friend at school terrifies him, he says 'friend will hit me for telling you.' ) and I'm not coping. (1st time in my life I've resorted to sleeping tablets).

My problem at the moment is dd1-5/6yrs, she has been shoved into the background through all this, it's her birthday in 2 weeks and all she wants is a party. We can only afford living room parties and we don't have a living room, only a building site! I know I should say not this year dear, but it would break her heart, believe me I've already tried. Any suggestions on how to satisfy dd1s need for a shindig at v. low cost with minimal effort because mummy's collapsing on the touchline?

Sorry this is so long, I do feel a little better for blabbing and you're all so good with your words of wisdom that I'm glad I'm blabbing to you. Your suggestions and advice will be gratefully received.

Oh smartie, this is awful. I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. Have social services done anything? Are the police involved? I'm not surprised you're in a state, I think any of us would be. I'm sure you're reassuring ds that the friend was wrong and certainly will NOT be hitting him for telling the truth. Do the school know about this? Sorry, I'm just typing my thoughts as I think them here since I don't have any great advice or experience of this. I'm so sorry though. I don't know what else to suggest except to continue to reassure your dd and give her lots of love and attention. I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to cope, don't be hard on yourself, this is all a very big deal.

Re the party, is there any way you could have it outdoors? Do you have a garden? Or what about at the park? I know it's getting colder but it shouldn't be freezing in 2 weeks time. You could do lots of running around games. Or is there a friend/family member who would offer their house as a venue if you did all the work/clearing up etc? Or what about taking a few friends to the cinema instead of a party? Or does it really have to be a party? Could you stretch to hire of the local hall? Our nearest playgroup hires their hall out for a tenner so it is still a cheap venue. Could you contact the local playgroup/Brownies and ask? If you were near me I'd offer my house. I really hope others have some good advice for you.

how awful smartie. It will get better. Ignore mother of "friend" your priority is dd obviously, so just ignore any nastiness.

As for the party- how about outside. I used to live in a tiny house that couldn't do indoor parties, so I had ds1's first few outside.

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Smartie, I'm so sorry you and your family are having such a dreadful time. It sounds like you are coping very well with this awful situation. I can't really add to what www has said.

As for your dd1's party, I was also going to suggest a local hall as they can be quite cheap to hire. We have a local one where they have a bouncy castle and soft play equipment for instance, and it's not very expensive. Or maybe you have friends who could lend you their living room for the day. Sorry I can't be more help.

Smartie, my heart truly goes out to you. I wish I could help. If you live in London my house and garden are yours for a party, truly. I'm good with kids and ds loves big girls!
Really, ignore unpleasant letter. Her son is deeply screwed up and bad, she is in turmoil. You are right. tell your son you love him, he is OK. You understand what he did and if anyone hits him to tell you and you will sort it out. Your dd will forget. Get help where you can to help her through this awful episode. Call childline - they will help you. You ARE coping. Yes, you may need help bu this is an incredibly though time. At five or six your dd won't care about decor or social niceties. Give her a party at home. Balloons, bunting, cakes and sandwiches are all you need. Keep it short, buy everything and bugger the cost (you won't need much, the normal wastage at kids parties chills the blood) and play music for 'disco' dancing.
I wish you and your family well and wish I could do more. I send hugs, love and hope to you.

Smartie, so sorry such an awful thing has happened to your dd. I hope it all turns out OK. I don't really have anything to add to all the good advice that's already here re. the party, hope your dd1 will enjoy her birthday whatever you decide to do.

Just wanted to send my hugs and thoughts your way. My heart goes out to you.

If you can't find a friend or relative with a living room, maybe your DD would come round to the idea to just having a couple of friends for a small day out, somewhere she loves going? Whatever happens I'm sure with all the stress you've all been through your DD1 will enjoy having a happy day amongst it all.

Sorry to hear all of whats been going on, how dreadful. Had a near miss with the same sort of thing here with my next door neighbour and i know how it horrendous it feels.
Maybe a picnic at the park for your dds birthday? My thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time. My heart goes out to you and your children. Thank god that you found out quickly and have been able to put an end to it. I was abused for several years and I only wish I had told someone sooner. I really hope that things get better soon.

Smartie I really feel for you. Just remember we are here to help if we can and to listen if we can't I am not sure what to say but I am listening.
Party - Due to very bad timing. DS2 was due 2 days after DS1's 6th birthday. He was also going through a very tough time and I could not refuse a party but couldn't do it at home (no ceiling but that's another story). I phoned around the cinemas and found that Warner village do a special junior club I think it's called on a Saturday morning where kids get in really cheap, about £1.25 each instead of £4. They also give out party bags which were brilliant Our Warner village is in a complex right opposite McDonald's so we went there after for lunch. DS1 took 5 friends and it didn't cost any more than I would have spent on a living room party. HTH.
Best wishes to you all. xx

Smartie I am so sorry to hear your news and really feel for you.Cyberhugs coming your way.
Can only reiterate the already good advice and kind words on here already.Take care.

I'm really sorry your summer was so horrendous for you all.

Holding a party could be a good move for both your dds and your ds. Something positive they can all look forward to and get involved in. Your older ds especially could help with preparations, making him feel really useful. If you can see the party as generally a good thing for all your family, planning it might seem more bearable.

What does your dd2 say? She can see you have a building site living room, so has she any ideas of her own about this shindig?

If hiring a hall or going on any sort of outing is really financially out of the question, is there any other room in your house that you could conceivably use for the birthday party? or use two rooms? ie have the food in one room while the guests run around and have (as twiglett suggested) a graffiti party in your living room?

Alternatively, could you get hold of a large camping tent? If you have a garden you could put it up outside and hold the party in that.

Smartie, all the suggestions here are fab; all I'd add is YES, phone ChildLine - I've got the utmost respect for them all there, and I've actually worked there and increased that respect - but also wanted to send my love and hugs too.

'Friend' and family sound extremely disturbed to me, I have to say.

Oh smartie, this is awful. I really do feel for you and your family at this difficult time. Agree with all the excellent advice given here, as usual.

I'd take the letter with a pinch of salt if I were you. I would assume that 'friends' mother was shocked and her natural reaction was one of anger and denial that her child had been accused of such a thing, I know that would be my reaction. However, this doesn't excuse the fact that you and your children have been deeply affected by these awful attacks. One does have to worry about where the boy learned this sort of sexually advanced behaviour from ? Could it be that he is 'projecting' learned behaviour onto your daughter as a result of similar attacks on him ?

I wish I could give more constructive advice smartie but I do think that calling Childline (0800 11 11) sounds like an excellent idea, please do give them a go. I would also have a word with the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000.

All the party suggestions are fab, especially the tent one. I'd have loved that at her age, as would my step-sons.

WSM
xxx

So sorry to hear all this. It would be hard enough to find your way through something like that without already being under so much pressure.

When I was a kid, my mum would create 'different' parties cos we were much less solvent than all my schoolfriends, and we had no room in our house. Ideas, which I found immensely exciting, included, a Fairy party in the garden, where all the food was fairy-sized (cakes in sweet cases, tiny sandwiches etc,) and we had a few basic props, A Troll party - (they were in at the time), much the same as above but with 'weird' troll food, and my favourite, a pretend 'midnight' party, it happened after dark, we had a few fireworks, and the cake was hot mashed potato with fish fingers round the edge where the ribbon would normally go, and a design of peas and sweetcorn on top. At the very daring time of dusk, and with everyone encouraged to bring torches, we had a wild time. I just remember feeling really special cos my parties were different.
I am sure that whatever you choose, you will do a brillliant job of making your kids feel special at this * hard moment.
Good Luck with all of it.

Thankyou all for your overwhelming support and suggestions.

Loads of lovely party ideas, like the garden suggestion, if our large 'yard' was child friendly, local cinema, the Odeon, doesn't do weekend reductions, and Blu, the fairy etc themes sound wonderful, next year, when my energy has returned. Dh is working his back off in the living room and carpet is to be laid on Friday now, don't know when furniture will be coming but room will be better for a party without it anyway. You're right a party is what all 3 of them need, so we're all organising it and the excitement is mounting!

Social Services are investigating the other family who made counter allegations about our ds, on reinterviewing our children the SW was happy with whose story she believed.

We now just have the tasks of supporting ds back to school, he's very apprehensive, doesn't want to return, and helping dd2 to forget and move on, her signs of distress are diminishing, she's continent again at least.

I will be speaking to ds and dd1s head teacher, as will social services so the school can support ds if need be. Not sure yet whether to tell dd2s playgroup, will decide nearer the time when dh and I can assess how she is by then. To answer your question www, the police were involved in an initial case conference, but have taken no action because the perpertrator is a miner. Not sure why they were involved at all, they already knew his age... checking records maybe?

Thankyou again.

Enjoy the party, have a fab time. All the very best to you little man on his return to school, and of course all the very best of luck to you as a family. It sounds like the 5 of you are a strong unit, that will make all the difference in moving on.

WSM
xxx

So sorry to hear about everything you've had to go through. I really hope that the party goes well and that you can all start putting everything behind you.

I've started a topic on the Other Subjects board about some Toys R Us money off coupons I've got, so if you've got one near you smartie, tell me if you want any for dd's birthday present or anything else. It's not much but then you could buy yourself a box of chocs or something to get over the shock of having a house full of kids!!!

Well done, Smartie, aren't you and your dh resourceful? I hope you and your kids really enjoy the party, you deserve a bit of fun.