Freaking out quietly

[teafuelledradical]

Hello all!

Yes, I am freaking out quietly. I started a degree course with a view to being a practitioner of a certain occupation, and now am in my final year. I am lucky enough to be studying full time in a university which I really love. I am really loving my study and feel very strongly that I have found my niche and that this is the only thing I want to / should do. Dh v. supportive, dc are 6 and 8 y o.

So far so good...the reason for the quiet freak-out is that my tutors have told me that the grades I am getting for my essays are much higher than normal. In one course I did they were scarily high. The upshot of it is that I am being given the opportunity to meet some of the world's leading scholars in my field (some of my tutors are very well-connected!), have had some work published, have been invited to some academic conferences and have been offered funding for a doctorate, with a view to practising my occupation part time alongside doctoral study, with a strong view to university tutoring after that.

It's amazing, really amazing. But it's all moved so quickly and how I thought my life would pan out two years ago has been completely transformed. So I'm just a bit freaked out really. One of the complicating factors in terms of my getting my head around this is that most of my friends in RL would be spitting with envy if I told them, so I feel the need to keep quiet about it. I hate to sound as if I'm boasting, but I am one of those people who thinks things through by talking about them, so it's really difficult for me to adjust to this without being able to talk it over. Part of it is to do with my self-image and not feeling confident enough to grab these opportunities (although I really want to) and part it is worry from a parent POV - I had it all planned out how things would affect the dc, and now I'm not so sure. Even things like where we would live have gone up in the air (for complicated reasons).

I guess I just need to express all this. Sorry if it does sound boastful - but it's potentially a major change in my life-direction, and I guess I need to process it.

This all sounds wonderful. I've been where you are and it's all the better for being so unexpectant. Just grab the the opportunities with both hands.

do it.
everything else will sort itself out. do not pass up this opportunity.

Sounds fantastic, really exciting.

I am dying to know what the occupation is now

Thank you! It is exciting. It's just the reality that is freaking me out a bit. Maybe big, rapid change is always going to be a bit stressful. If it all works out, my work will define where we live as a family, which is not where we were planning to live. It's a good change - we'd be living somewhere interesting and lovely. We haven't said anything to the dc yet, just in case...

Said - without wishing to be all mysterious, my world is quite small and also quite public, so I'd rather not say.

This year will be quite a biggie in terms of decision-making. Lots of exams too - eeek! :)

Fully understand the secrecy

I'm wondering though, since you love the subject, have found your niche and are getting high grades - have you actually found the studying difficult? Is your success down to application or aptitude? Just curious.

That is so great. I was told by the head of my subject at Oxford, after she read my dissertation, that it was excellent and to crack open the champagne (this was before results day, she was the external examiner) I had a similar freak out. :)

That is so exciting about getting funding etc though, while I was getting recognised in terms of grades and awards, unfortunately there has been no tangible benefits so I would fully recommend TAKING them all!!!

Good question, Said! In all honesty, I'd say a bit of both, probably in equal quantities! I'm a bit obsessed really. I sometimes worry that I only really study, spend time with family and friends, and nothing else. If I had to apply for a job and come up with some hobbies to make myself sound more interesting, I'd be exaggerating at the least. Which isn't great really, is it? But then I see loads of working mothers whose lives are a crazy merry-go-round of work, looking after their dc, mainatining their relationship with their DP / DH, and the odd party, so maybe I'm no different. I have got a reputation in my college as being the one who works the hardest (I really try not to go on about it though!)

As to whether I find the study difficult - sometimes yes, very. I have a Spotify 'essay crisis' playlist that gets me over the really dreadful points when I think that I'm just reading / writing a load of turgid nonsense. I normally bounce back though! Sometimes the essays just fly out of my brain, which is wonderful. But sometimes they are sheer slog. Usually a mixture of the two!

I suppose that having been a working mum before I got the opportunity to go back to university, I am just so aware of the privileged position I'm in, how many other mums are slogging away in jobs that are just hard work, that I kind of feel that it'd be wrong not to give my study my best. Also,. I'm used to the concept of going to work and being disciplined in terms of putting in the hours.

The area in which I work is still hopelessly male-dominated, so as time's gone on, I have started to feel an obligation to represent myself as a woman and to show that women can really contribute academically. So in this way I feel that I'm not just fulfilling my potential but doing something that hopefully might make it easier for other women to fulfil theirs, which is a real driving force for me. I'm becoming more feminist as time goes on!

Manatee - ooh how wonderful! What did you get for your dissertation (if you don't mind my asking)? I've written one - finished it last week - it's a huge undertaking, eh?

Yes, writing my dissertation was just so very huge! I loved it though. I got 84% and the prize for the best dissertation in the school (£25 not to be too ungrateful though, I was just pleased to be recognised)

It does sound like you are very disciplined! I think as you said about the opportunity to go back to Uni, that makes a difference. It did for me anyway, to feel like it is an opportunity rather than a right like lots who go straight from school. And life experience helps with any discipline I think!

84%!!!

Well done - that's fabulous. I am expecting my supervisor to send mine back with a trillion amendments to be made - hey ho...

Thanks.

So can your supervisor look over it before submission? Ours were only allowed to look at them and comment on the style of writing 'cos some people did 'experimental' styles!

Congratulations!

Well done on your accomplishments so far OP! I'd say grab all opportunities that come your way. Your children will surely settle down nicely in other areas too and having a mother with an academic career can open up lots of nice opportunities for them too, like great travel (most academics I know make sure they go to the cool conferences in the exiting cities/places and then take their families with them). Being able to combine working in your field with further study also sounds interesting. Keep at it!

Congratulations OP. I don't think I could turn down an opportunity like that. It was obviously meant to be! Well done you