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Original poster

So scared about how DS will cope with new arrival

8 replies

katster37 · 04/01/2011 20:34

I am not sure I am posting this in the right place, quite possibly not but here goes...

My DS is 13 months old, I have a wonderful relationship with him, and he is definitely a 'mummy's boy' most of the time. I worry I have made him overly dependent on me, by not letting DH do that much, although he now puts him to bed. I am 31 weeks pregnant, and DS will be about 15 and a half months when his little brother arrives. Apart from being terrified of the birth / newborn phase which I found a major struggle, esp the lack of sleep, I am so scared about how it will affect my little boy, and how it will affect our relationship. We will be staying at my parents (house selling mess up) until about a month after the baby is born, so there will be some help at hand, but I am reluctant to 'palm him off' on my parents - I want to look after him myself, but am v eager to BF, as I breastfed DS until he was 11 months. I know how time-consuming/un-routiney it all is though, and wonder how I can spend hours sat on the settee BFing, and look after a v lively toddler. The second pregnancy was fairly unplanned (hadn't had a period;BFing all night - yes I know....) but we were planning a small age gap so I could take a career break and focus on family for a couple of years. I am now beginning to worry that I won't bond with this baby, and my relationship with my DS will be ruined.... Plus, DH and I struggled in the early days (my fault - I am rubbish at delegating and would rather do everything myself...and then snap at him for not helping).

Sorry this is really rambly. Anyone who has had a similar age gap / experience, I would love to hear from you.

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Greeninkmama · 04/01/2011 20:41

My age gap is bigger, but just want to say these are all normal feelings. Your relationship with the DS1 will shift when DC2 is born, but there is a lot you can do to minimise any difficulty.

Do let others take up the slack with DS1. When DD2 was born, my mum spent lots of time with DD1 and it really helped distract her from my loss of attention. Get others to take him to the park so that he expends lots of energy and can put up with you being more housebound.
BFing is a great time to snuggle up and read stories. Just make sure your DS1 has a snack and drink to hand.
Let your DS1 hear you say to the baby 'I can't do xx right now, because DS1 needs something' etc etc.
Know that there will be times when one or both are crying and you can't fix it.

We are all more relaxed with the second one, because we have established the basic parenting style. It's a lot less angsty (even if it is harder work physically). Good luck.

Original poster

katster37 · 04/01/2011 21:20

Thank you greeninkmama, wise words - esp the bit about letting DS1 hear me tell baby that he needs something. I suppose everyone expecting a second child feels scared of relationship change, I just hope it doesn't mean we're not as close. Hopefully in the long run, it will be nice for DS to have a brother close in age, plus it means I can stay off work and look after him. We will see.... Thanks again.

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ommmward · 05/01/2011 08:41

invest in a ring sling and learn to breastfeed in it

the first 12 weeks will be hell. But around that point, there will begin to be light at the end of the tunnel (someone said that to me and you cannot imagine the comfort I derived from it between weeks 9 and 11...)

you have have have to learn to let your oh do his bit without criticism. He'll do things differently, maybe cackhandedly, but every time he helps with the children, it's an investment in his future competence.

remember that you really don't jave to entertain a second child. the older sibling is the cabaret.

[disclaimer: i mean no offence with the 'cackhanded' terminology, being myself a left-hander!]

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Firawla · 05/01/2011 14:53

I think his young age is going to be an advantage for you actually. My age gap is slightly bigger of 17 months but I worried about mine whether it will be difficult for him, lot of jealousy, find it hard to adapt, ruin his routine etc etc, he hardly noticed at first! and then he quickly adapted, i did feel it went a lot smoother than i was worrying about, which i feel was partly due to his young age and also i tried to stick with ds1's normal routine and just tag the baby along, such as going out to groups and things if you normally do that.
someone on here said before that once your ds realises that his life has not really changed that much despite the new baby, then they will be absolutely fine with it and i think thats true.
As for breastfeeding, not that ive bf as long as you but i think for 2nd babies and 3rd etc you tend to get better @ bf on the move, eg as previous poster said in a sling, or personally with my first i did used to be sat on the sofa, needed both hands so i was like just stranded there but 2nd one i was able to multitask with it a lot better
Do let your dh help with both of them, it will make things easier on you and also it helps him bonding with them so its better for all of you, rather than you struggle on your own and he does nothing
good luck!! im sure it will all go fine

Original poster

katster37 · 05/01/2011 18:36

Thanks Firawla, I'm glad you found it to be not too bad, v reassuring to read

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gemhandley · 05/01/2011 23:13

sorry for crashing ive had the same worries but my gap will be 20 months and was worried about how my son will react to his little sister. I couldnt bf my son for medical reasons but plan to with this one so think i might try the sling as thats something i never thought of. My oh is amazing with our ds so that should be a great help.

Mypombearisveryold · 05/01/2011 23:38

Talk to your dh and find out what he will be comfortable doing with your ds1 as a regular thing starting from now. If you can stand back and let go it will be easier for him. It sounds really dumb but if you praise him like a child for bathing ds1 (wow you did that so much better than I could) he will enjoy it and do it more and eventually actually do it better than you. Let him, its good for them both, and he will want to bath ds2.

Get lots of food in your freezer like homemade soups and lasagne/whatever you you like. Make tea time as easy as you can. There is a chance that ds2 will cry the whole time you are making ds1 tes, but you have to. Get your hummous dip dip or any other nutritious snacks that ds1 likes and are easy to get are stocked up.

Set up the whole bf situation so you can bf and doze in front of cbeebies with a nice pint of water and some high energy food next to you, for you and ds1 both to be comfortable.

My dd2 was older, but more recently weaned from bf and she used to just dip her head and snuggle in when ds1 was bfing. She is still a bit in his face, but they walk home from school hand in hand and it just melts my heart.

They will be blessed by each other, and you will by them. They will gang up on you!

Be kind to yourself, good luck with the house move.

Original poster

katster37 · 06/01/2011 20:28

Thanks mypombearisveryold, some really helpful tips, and lovely to hear about your DCs.I hope I haven't made out like DH is rubbish - he really isn't, and does try to do loads - I think the big thing is that especially when DS was a newborn, I was so totally over-protective that he struggled to get a look in. I will obviously have to be better this time...
Gemhandley when is your second baby due?

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