Unhappy mum, totally confused about the future. Please help.

[newyearnotnewme]

I'm a mum of 2 ds,6 and 4, both challenging but gorgeous. DH works a lot, I work PT and am frustrated in my job because I can't move on to do anything more interesting until full time. DH finds parenting difficult - he's a great father but not very relaxed or happy being with them (they are bloody hard work). the problem is that I cannot shake the feeling that I must have a daughter. I know it's ridiculous really, and my boys are wonderful so I feel really guilty, but I feel so stuck. I feel I can't go ahead with another preg incase I have a boy, which I really think would finish me off. If I could definitely conceive a girl I would do it tomorrow. DH doesn't want to but will if I have reconciled myself to the chances of a boy. In the meantime I can't make any decisions about my career so my whole life feels stuck. If I have no more children I can move forward and start to focus my future at work. But how can I live with this feeling of lack? Or should I just forget about a career and make babies until a girl arrives? I think this would destroy my marriage. I am so depressed and can't stop thinking about it. I know it's selfish too, when I have two great, healthy children. sorry for the long post.

I am sorry but this may not be what you want to hear. Do you think there is a chance that you are using this indecision to stop you from progressing in your life?

Considering that you are jeopardizing both your marriage and your family, and feel unable to progress in work solely because of your longing for a girl, I think you should forget it for now. You dont say how old you are, but if you are relatively young, there is no stopping you for trying for another baby in a few years time, when you have established your career.

I also agree with your husband. Until you have reconciled yourself with the fact that you may have a boy, you should not try to conceive again. And neither should you keep on breeding until you get a girl, because it IS selfish and not fair on your current two children.

It is not like a box of Cadburys Roses, that you can just discard pieces of chocolate until you get the right flavour.

that's a fair point, but actually I wanted a girl both times I was pregnant but as soon as they were born I adored them and wanted nothing other than them. I still feel that, and I'm sure I would if I had ten more boys. I don't think loving them would be a problem, but time, energy and money would be really difficult. and the marriage, as you say. I just don't really know why this need for a girl is so all-consuming. perhaps you're right that i am sort of using it as an excuse not to move forward. I'm also resenting dh for his opinion, which isn't fair.

Oh, I'm 35. So time to wait a bit, but maybe not too long.

I think he just wants you to know what you want when you do it! I am currently 38, and with 2 boys. I would love a little girl, but have resigned myself to the fact that our life circumstances have come in the way for another child. Would totally love another boy, too though, as our two are totally adorable also. They are 8 and 5.

There is a way to guarantee you will have a girl next time (PGD) but it is very expensive and you will need to travel abroad.

ahem. to where?

Believe me, girls can be harder than boys (laughs hollowly)

Hi. We have talked about that but it's about £30,000. I think I would feel selfish depriving my boys of holidays etc. DH was morally opposed to it, but last time it was raised he said he would do it. I think he wants me to just make a decision of some sort and get on with it, so he can stop talking about it.
We have also thought about adoption, but I'm not sure this is a good reason to adopt a child. TBH we are struggling with what we have.

They do the PGD in America, I think. But the chance of a preg is only about 25%, and you still pay. To me, that's not good odds and if you only have the money for one shot and it doesn't work...

Has anyone tried any other, natural methods to select gender?

deaddei, I understand that girls aren't easier, whatever, some people may say when I tell them I have two boys. I mainly think about the great chats I had with my mum when I was younger, shopping trips and lunches out. I know you can do that with boys but it would be different...

Actually, it needn't cost as much as 30k. Also, some of the clinics have refund programmes, so if it doesn't work, you get some of your money back.

Do you feel a girl would be a friend to you in a way your boys can't? You talk of lunches, shopping, chatting together. Even if you did have a girl her personality might mean she doesn't want to do 'girlie' shopping trips.

My Mum used to frequently tell me that other daughters were best friends with their Mums and went out shopping together etc - but I am not interested in shopping and have a very different personality to my Mum. I always felt I disappointed her (I have one brother who ironically is into shopping) but she is my parent, not my best friend. I wanted her to have her own friends and not rely on me.

Can you think of an activity that you would enjoy doing 1:1 with your sons? They might be into shopping and lunch, but if they aren't then is there a hobby, sport, or craft you could use to spend some 1:1 time with each of them as they get older?

I would look again at this imaginary daughter you have in your head. How do you think you would adapt if she had very different interests to you, was very sporty, hated shopping, loved doing things with her big brothers and so on. I think you need to not only accept you might not get a girl, but also that even if you did you will need to allow the child to be who they are, and not squish them into a role that you have in mind for them. (Let alone the possibility that all children have of special needs).

Hope my personal experience hasn't made that sound too harsh, it is meant well and I feel for you stuck weighing possible paths.

I think you can lay a heavy burden on a daughter if you only have her because you expect a certain type of relationship. I love my mother dearly and we have a great relationship, but I have always felt that I am not really the daughter she dreamt of and tbh even to live up to some part of her dream, the feeling that "my daughter understands me" has always taken a certain amount of effort and faking it on my part. The truth is, I am not really like her in any way that I can think of and certainly don't understand her in any kind of womanly way: I understand her because I've made a massive effort to learn about the way she ticks, not because I ever have the same reactions as she does.

And of my own two children, my daughter seems to me a totally alien- if extremely lovable- being, while it is my son's reactions that I can actually understand.

My aunt desperately wanted a girl, but had 3 boys. She ended up adopting a girl. Lots of expectations/disappointments etc when the reality didn't match the fantasy for anyone involved. The relationships are all fine now, but it's been a huge strain on the family.

Having a 3rd child is very different to have 2, as well. Consider the effect it may have on all of you when making the decision, is my advice.

If you had a daughter, she would be under a lot of pressure to be what you want her to be, from the sounds of it.

have 3 dc is chuffing hard work - the dynamics are very different and if you're struggling with 2dc then having 3 (even if it is a girl) will be even harder.

Hi, OP. I feel for you and what you are going through. None of us can help our feelings.

I have one of each. DS 3.5 and DD 1.

I think deep down I wanted a DD but it didn't become apparent until I was PG with her at the 20 week scan and they asked if I wanted to know the sex. I suddenly felt terrified that if they said another boy Id spend 20 weeks feeling sad.

I honestly wasn't aware of the feeling until that moment.

I decided to wait and spent the next half of PG talking myself round to being happy if it was another boy.

When she was born I can hand on heart say I felt no different to the elation I felt when I had my DS, it was a baby!!
I didn't even ask I just registered the midwife mention it and no more at the time.

Also (this is going to sound awful)...

My son was/is beautiful. As a baby he had blonde ringlets, huge pale blue eyes and olive skin, rosy cheeks. He looked like a cherub and I was always tempted to stick a little hair clip in !!
He also looks more like me (im much much less cute though)!

My DD is more plain (horrible mum icon).
Straight dark hair. Very pale skin and looks like my DH's sisters who are

Now this is all very shallow stuff but I guess what im trying to say is, I think we have an image of what/who our DD's would be and it's wrong. They can't be a built up image of a person who doesn't exsist IYSWIM.

I think woman (NOT ALL) are probably more drawn to have a DD and men a DS but it is irrelevant in the end.

My DS is gentle, affectionate and well behaved (sometimes).

My DD is wild, mad (hilariously funny), never ever takes a telling and bloody hard work.

I now realise I had built up an image of what it's like to have a DD without realising it and it's all nonsense.

I know now that id love any child whatever the gender but if id have had another boy id have maybe have held onto the image of this little pink angel who doesn't exsist!

I think there's more chance of my DS visiting me when im old than my little tomboy!

I love them both dearly but I just wanted to give you an honest (awaits backlash) opinion of having both genders.

I think that is a really hard one. Many people have a deep feeling about the child they want - and lots of women really want a DD. I think you have a valid feeling and maybe all you can do is accept you don't feel that happy with life right now. Telling yourself to be grateful doesn't always help. Sometimes you can't fix things, you just have to plod on through. x