Things you wish you knew before having number two....

[touser]

Our dd is 6mths and we're planning to start trying for our second baby soon....but before we take this leap, I thought it would be good to hear from mums who have two or more. What do you wish you'd known before having your second child? What would you do differently? How long would you recommend between? The highs and lows? Any advice most welcome! Thx

A three year gap is supposed to be the ideal - small enough that they will play together but you have an older child who is developing empathy when the little one is born. My gap is 2 yrs 5 months. Works well most of the time but I can see another few months would have helped. Depends on your age I think - waiting longer is a good idea if you are young enough. Most friends with an 18 month gap seem to have had a really really tough time of it - has certainly made me glad I have the gap I do. And a supportive DH and mother!

2yr 4 month gap for me and I would have gone for 3 years but I am very elderly and so felt I couldn't risk waiting. However, I have very little family help.

If I had a mother and she lived close by I would probably have no.3 but its tough doing it on your own during the day with no break.

My eldest started pre-school just at age 2, the youngest they would take her before my second was born. It was the best thing I did.

You think you are ready again because you've already given up your old life etc. But in actual fact it is nearly just as much of a shock again because things had settled down with number 1. The hard work of having a new baby is helped by knowing what you are doing.

That it's all so much easier.
The birth, all the baby stuff. First time round there was so much to learn (I was particularly clueless having never held an actual baby before). There was so much fear that something was wrong. I really struggled.
Baby number two was exactly the same in behaviour as DS1 (poor sleeper, reflux for 10 months) but I sailed through it all.
It's the two year old who is more difficult, but that may be the case with or without a baby.
Plus within a year they play together and you don't have to entertain them all day.

I agree with others, saying that it's all so much easier than with DC1. And, that children are sooo different. I have two boys. DS1 has been such a hard work. DS2 is a golden boy so far, only 2 months old but so easy going. I have been in euphoria since his birth!

The pregnancy and birth are not necessarily easier the second time round - both worse for me. Get your support in place in case you need time to recover from the birth.

that there is no perfect double bugggy - they are all a pain & best thing is to have slightly larger gap and make do with single buggy with a sling, buggy board or scooter.

I borrowed a jane powertwin & maclaren - hated both. Ended up with a babyjogger city mini which I loved so much I now have the single version. However the double it is still very wide & barely makes it through doorways and trying to get down aisles in the high st at this time of year is a real pain.

The first 6 months or so were HARD but now they are 3 yrs & 18 months (20 month gap) they get on soooo nicely & play reasonably well together, things are getting easier.

oh and first time round I was so "precious" with poor DH running around after me, making me lunch and fetching everything for me, like I had an illness rather than just given birth.

2nd time around I just had to get one with it!

That there was no toilet paper left.

Oh! Not that sort of number two. Sorry...

Also worth noting that DC1 will have turned into a giant at some point between you leaving for the hospital to have DC2, and returning home!

Tee-hee, lots of these are so true.

Never underestimate the extra amount of washing one tiny being can produce. Times whatever you do now by two rather than a 25% increase.

Hello 8KG washing machine!!!!!!!!

Also say bye-byes to nice designer babygros and all that crap. George at Asda and Matalan will be good enough for No.2 and any subsequents.

Enjoy!

That your second child may turn out to be twins and 3 under 3 is bloody hard work for a bit! In my area there are loads of mums who have 1 then twins-I think it's because lots of them are about 38 with the second and that's about peak age for twins.

However, I felt like having my twins was a chance to learn from all the mistakes and angst I had with ds1. I was a much more laid back mum and the children benifitted from that. Also that I had an established group of friends when I had the twins. Whereas with ds1 I'd moved, left work and spent the 1st year making new friendships which I find tiring!

I do think a woman,s body needs a little bit of time to recover between pregnancies- 10 month gaps do make me worry for the mum's health!

Good luck.

Mine are 2 months and 15 days apart and I found that:

• Birth was definitealy easier 2nd time around for me - 3.5 hours as opposed to 25 hours, just a puff of gas and air and no epidurals - very lucky.
• Breastfeeding was easier too - at least one of us knew what they were doing...
• Sleeping through - biiiiig shock, DD1 slept through from 10 weeks old, DD2 needed night feeds until nearly a year old, not comfort sucking, guzzling down both sides in 10 minutes and then going back down. She's now nearly 8 and very, very tall for her age.
• DC1 will be jealous. Make sure your DH knows that your first DC will need more from him than before if he is around, especially when you are dealing with the newborn. Also try to make one to one time with DC1.
• The first 18 months or so are hard. Once DC2 starts walking and talking and they can play together, it gets a lot better very quickly.
• Gender neutral clothes for DC1 are a godsend
• You don't take nearly as many photos second time around
• They will fight like dogs and play like puppies.
• It will be great.

How amazing it is watching them together.

2.5 year gap here too. Any younger would have pushed me (personally) over the edge!

Another amazing aspect - how diffrent they are. If anyone told me that before DD id have thought that would be a bad thing as DS was so perfect and different would be bad, right?

DD (#2) is so different in personality and it's brilliant watching another totally different baby emerge. It's hard to explain why that is so good but it is, trust me!

OMG defineme - you just reminded me of what the evil sonographer did to me at my 20 wk scan with DS2 at the end of the scan,

"yes, now everything is fine...

...if you look on the screen...

... there is one baby...

...and...

...

...

...

...

yes there is just the one!

That is just my little joke I have with all the second time Mums"

I have never in my life have had such an urge to smack someone in the mouth! DH thought it was hilarious and said my face was a picture! He was soooooo lucky he didn't get smacked in the face I tell you!!

and I am not a violent nor aggresive person!

I have a 14-month age gap between mine, fell pregnant (planned) when DD1 was just 6 months old.

At this very mmoment, I'm regretting such a small age gap bitterly. DD1 is 18 months and DD2 coming up to 4 months. I feel constantly torn in two by their needs. The guilt is unbelievable. DD1 is taking it all so well, but I can't give her the attention she deserves because I have a baby strapped to me in a sling or sucking on me ALL THE TIME. DD2 doesn't get anything like the one-to-one attention that DD1 got as a baby. The logistics of going out terrify me. I hate not being able to comfort them both at the same time. It's really, really, REALLY hard.

But then sometimes they smile at each other and it's pure magic. Or DD1 'asks' after DD2 (she's only just learning to talk so this tends to consist of a questioning "Wah?"). And people tell me it gets easier and it's all marvellous when they're older. I'm not very good at the newborn/tiny baby stage and I'm hoping that I'll feel smug pleased when my more sensible friends start having their second children in a couple of years' time and I can be relieved at having done that bit.

So there's a snapshot. Unlike some, I find the Rebecca Abrams book very useful, reassuring and realistic indeed, but I'm a bit worried after what one poster said about it being an abnormal picture of having 2!

Have a 3.3y age gap between both DC and wouldn't have it any other way. The 3yo is old enough to play independently and understands (to a degree) that I'm busy with the baby and although they both have completely different needs, overall it's easier than I thought it was going to be second time round.

DS1 is at nursery five afternoons each week, and was out of nappies before DS2 was born so I feel it has all worked out for the best in our situation. Would recommend the 3 year gap to anyone.

However if I was planning a large family I'd have had them closer together, but we are quite happy with the two for now!

als o have a 3.5yr gap (not planned, we had secondary infertility - another surprise after falling first month first time around). And we got DT's second time around. I love the gap . And despite DT's I'm loving our bigger family. But DT's together are easier than DS was as a baby... yes you heard that right. I have been blessed with 2 remarkably easy, chilled content, sleepers. They are now 1 and DS is 4.5 and he adores them. Never an ounce of jealousy and they are just starting to be able to play together. I can't tell you the joy you get from watching your children together, that's something you can't quantify. In our situation (ending up with DT's) although I originally planned a smaller gap, this gap seems just perfect, but I suspect so much of it is personality of the children and also not knowing any different. I love what I've got because that's what I've got, if that makes sense.