My decision is whether to have a third child.
When I say I feel as if I'm making this on my own, it's because dh is incredibly laid back about the whole thing. While being happy with our two dds, he also admits that if I were to accidentally fall pregnant he would be over the moon. In other words, he's happy either way - probably happier not to go ahead for the same reasons as me, but also happy to go for a third if I really wanted it.
For me the thought of going through pregnancy, birth and the early years again fills me with fear. I really didn't enjoy the early years - I had pnd and spd, neither of which helped - and found being a parent to a baby and toddler draining.
Also, if we had a third it would have an impact financially at a time when we are planning some major home improvements and these would probably have to give. We have found ourselves enjoying a comfortable lifestyle and having a third would mean sacrifices would have to be made. Please don't consider me superficial. I know nothing compares to a child but at the moment this child is a fictional being therefore I'm trying not to ascribe any depth of sentiment towards it!
I have an amazing job which could take off into much greater things when the dds are a little older, I am really loving the fun of having two gorgeous 5 & 6 yr old dds, my relationship with dh is getting back on track (neither of us dealt with sleep deprivation and the general relentlessness of the early years well). I feel as if I have myself back, and am starting to REALLY enjoy life again.
The thing is, dh and I are from large families, and I always imagined having three or more children. I feel as if our family is incomplete somehow. I don't want another baby but I would love another child and I fear that if we don't go for it I'll live to regret it.
When friends announce their third pregnancies I feel jealousy - a really unattractive feeling I know but it wells up inside me and I can't seem to help it - I don't envy them for going through pregnancy, birth, pre school stuff again, but I envy them for their willingness to do it all again. I do wonder if my priorities are at all misplaced here. And of course, I envy the future three older children they will have. Does that make sense?
Any advice would be more than welcome. TIA.