Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Odd comment from Mil - WWYD?

18 replies

livingstonebach · 29/12/2010 08:20

Am new here so hoping I've posted in the right place! Didn't quite feel brave enough to post in AIBU yet.

Yesterday my Mil called our 11 month dd a 'bad girl'. At the time my dh was struggling to get her tights back on after changing her nappy, she wanted to be playing with her toys/the cat/the Christmas tree, so was making a bit of a fuss.

IMO she could scream the house down but still wouldn't ever be a 'bad girl'. Quite apart from the fact that she's not even one yet, I don't think it helps labelling children as 'bad' or 'naughty', and would much rather take the parenting route of labelling her behaviour instead.

Am I being over sensitive? I haven't said anything to Mil....yet. Should I ignore it? WWYD?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

belindarose · 29/12/2010 08:24

I'd have just said, light heartedly, 'Ah, she's not a bad girl, she's just excited about the tree' or similar. Might have to say similar each time she makes those comments. Depends what she's usually like I suppose.

purepurple · 29/12/2010 08:24

Of course she shouldn't have said it. Like you say children are not bad or naughty. But it is a little late to raise it with your MIL. I would have said something at the time, challenged her in a non-comfrontational way. Parenting styles do change and it is very easy to forget what it is like to be a parent of a baby.

SlartyBartFast · 29/12/2010 08:29

i dont spose she meant it though.
i wouldnt worry about it at all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

MadameCastafiore · 29/12/2010 08:35

PFB?

mousesma · 29/12/2010 08:37

I would ignore it, I don't think your MIL really thinks she is bad it is just a figure of speech.

If it really bothers you then gently correct MIL if she does it again.

scarletbegonia · 29/12/2010 08:40

I don't think its pfb at all to object to a baby being called bad.

Its an awful thing to say, if she says it again I'd certain;y say something even if its just a light hearted comment about hot babies aren't bad or good they're just babies.

SlartyBartFast · 29/12/2010 08:51

welcoem to mumsnet though

HeroShrew · 29/12/2010 09:00

If you want to get into a discussion on parenting methodology with her, I'd say to MIL next time she says something similar that when DD is old enough you'll explain that the behaviour is bad, not the girl.

I wouldn't be arsed though, tbh. Different generation; it's just a saying to them. My experience of correcting MILs on little issues causes monumental year-long grudge matches, the daft old banger.

Original poster

livingstonebach · 29/12/2010 09:07

Thanks all - very useful advice.

I agree it is too late to do anything about it now, but will certainly have a phrase up my sleeve if it happens again, and will try to be more assertive rather than silently fuming.

I suspect I am being a bit pfb about this though too!

Thanks for welcome Slarty:)

OP posts:

muslimah28 · 29/12/2010 16:26

you can also 'pretend talk' to your dd, and say what you want to say so your MIL hears it, eg say to dd 'no, you're not a bad girl, you just want to play don't you?' or something.

Porcelain · 29/12/2010 17:00

I agree with you, and it's not precious.

My mother was referring to my 4 month old as "greedy" and "fat" the other day (he's growing like a bean, past 91st centile, but then his dad is 6'2" and built like a rugby player), I let it roll off at the time (we were on the phone and it's not like he would understand), but when I thought about it I remembered how she made comments about my weight when I was a kid (particularly between the ages of about 8 and 12), told me I had my Dad's big nose and big bum (I think she meant this affectionately, but it felt like a criticism), and told me off when I went up a clothing size. Anyhow, I became anorexic in my teens, developed serious social anxiety and self esteem issues. I have terrible body dysmorphia.

So I made the decision that my mother will never be allowed to put my children down the way she did me, not while I am around to stop it.

usualsuspect · 29/12/2010 17:04

Pick your battles ,this ain't one of them

WimpleOfTheBallet · 29/12/2010 17:13

I disagree...OP if you dont like her calling our DD that then tellher...I toldmy MIL straight off when she saaid something similar to mine. You are the parent and there are boundries....she boke one of yours.

taintedsnow · 29/12/2010 17:16

On its own, this could be, and probably is, a flippant comment that means absolutely nothing. There's nothing you can do this time that doesn't make you seem OTT. But if it happens again, you need to (gently) pull her up on it so make sure it isn't said to DD as she grows up, even as a silly passing comment.

I think you would be quite wrong to make an issue out of a one time thing, but you would not be wrong to make a point if it happens again.

GinaTonic · 30/12/2010 21:23

Nope, nip it in the bud. Saves a wole lot of seething down the line. In the same way it takes some children 20 offers of a new food to actually try it; it can take some GP's over 30 reminders to change their ingrained behaviours.

I have strong feelings about negative words like "bad","stupid" and "naughty". It doesn't take much effort to come up with something more positive that will achieve the same result without the self-esteem issues.

Just say things like, "Lets keep things positive shall we?"
"Why don't you make it into a game for her?"

Save those other words in reserve for when they're really needed. Not over a pair of tights.

paranoidmum · 30/12/2010 22:20

whichever approach you decide upon, don't forget this is the 1st of many mother-in-law comments that will get on your nerves .... some you will be able to brush off, some will drive you to distraction (and worse!!)

My mil is lovely, but still comes out with some corkers as far as the kids go. They have a huge expectation as to how children should behave too ...

Deep breath, and store it up to compare / compete with your friends / on mumsnet !!!

Good luck!

Original poster

livingstonebach · 31/12/2010 07:24

Wow - thanks everyone. Had no idea I would get so much good and supportive advice over this, much appreciated.

I'm sure there will be many many more comments as she grows up - dd is the first gc for both sides of the family, so we're all going into this completely inexperienced!

OP posts:

sneakapeak · 02/01/2011 21:51

Sorry havent read other answers.

It's hard with children. You decide early on how you want to bring them up and you will find family (especially in-laws - especially mine) will go against the grain alot.

My DS is 3.5 and DD is 1 and there are teeth marks scarring my tounge!

Decide what is just totally unacceptable for you and choose your battles IYSWIM.

For me it's my in-laws very ignorant attitude to food. They think feeding kids sweets ALL DAY is fine and that we are mad for only giving them now and then.

I have to just roll with the fact they speak slang and are a bit rough!

My 87 yr old Gran is always saying things like 'stupid' and 'bad'. It's hard and I do try to politely tell her sometimes but I can't keep on at her as I know she loves him and is hurt when I do.

As long as he doesn't get it at home all day, personally I think you can put up with visits from relatives and their different ways short term. It doesn't have the impact you think it will.

Flip