"How to talk..." with a toddler?

[ExistentialistCat]

Been reading "How to talk so kids will listen" and found it quite inspiring. I like its respectful approach to children. So I thought to myself, it's never too young to start, why not see whether I can apply some of these principles to DD1 (17 months old)?

Here's what happened this lunchtime, when she was getting frustrated about not being able to feed herself with a fork but didn't want me to help either:

DD: Whinge whinge.
ExCat: Darling, it looks like you're finding it really frustrating, feeding yourself.
DD: Throws cottage pie across room.
ExCat: You're really cross now. But I'd prefer it if you expressed your feelings in some other way. I don't like you throwing food.
DD: Bangs fork on table and howls.

And so on. So, I was identifying the feelings, acknowledging them and all... Is this approach really possible with one so young?!

Btw need a tongue-in-cheek emoticon but would also be interested in people's serious views!

I'd recommend having a read of 'Playful Parenting', and 'Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves' too, as I found all 3 quite helpful. As is Unconditional Parenting.

I think the thing I keep in mind when validating (and talking generally) to my almost 17 month old is to keep it simple.

So in the above example, I probably would have said:

"Wow, that fork is tricky isn't it!" and offered her a spoon, or some food spread on a bit of bread as an alternative.

If DD throws food on purpose, I just say "Please do not throw your food" or "I know you are cross, but we don't throw our food" and offered her the option of ending the meal.

I love the ideas in all these books, but it is hard to put it into practice with a young child sometimes!

Thats too wordy for a toddler me thinks

I've just had this book delivered. My ds's are 22 months and 3.4yrs.
I haven't started it yet, but looking forward to it.

I would also keep language as simple as possible for one so young.

I find both mine are alot more cooperative with one word instruction.
I used to say "let's put our shoes on now so we can go outside" so I was telling them what needed to be done and why, but they are alot better if I just say "shoes on"

I also get stuck with my 23 month old.
Still, I am now finding that he sometimes quite likes it. He will then say "yes!" when I say "you're cross with your sister for taking x from you, aren't you". I'd be careful about the words you use. I think "it looks like" isn't direct enough for this age. Keep the sentences as short and simple as you can - and don't worry too much. Probably at this age, they do just hear blah blah blah but at least they'll understand from the tone that you're interested in them and watching them and caring...

I have problems with it though. The classics for us are child grabs knife (quite sharp) or child grabs scissors (older sister leaves them around) or child grabs biro and starts drawing on walls. How to react?! :)
I sometimes try asking politely and calmly for the object back and explaining why it is bad (knife sharp etc). Usually that doesn't have the desired effect.
I'm afraid I now usually just wade in, get the offending object off the child who is then melting in a mega-tantrum. I explain why ("this knife is really sharp and could hurt you"), but that doesn't help.
If you have any ideas, I'd be grateful!

If my ds's get hold of inappropriate items, I just take them off them and say "my turn. This is mummy's"
Now when they see scissors on the side, they ssay "mummy's scissors"

That's a great approach! Thanks!

I don't think HTT is any use for children under the age of 3, but you can apply the principles of always being respectful of yur toddler and not engaging in power struggles. Give infomation rather than instructions where you can but playing silly games and having races, plus ignoring unwanted behaviour etc is far more likely to work than empathising with a toddler's urge to throw shepherd's pie!

BTW if your older child is leaving scissors and pens around then IMO you are within your rights to insist that she asks your permission to get them out and is not allowed next time unless she puts them away. She needs to learn that some items carry a responsibility to use them safely and put them away.

I also do the "that's mummy's - it's not a toy". Several times she's brought me the scissors that DH I have left somewhere stupid.

It just so happens that the AskMoxie parenting blog (which is great) had a post about this issue yesterday. There's a new book on how to apply these sorts of principles with 1-10 year olds.

It's called Stop Reacting and Start Responding: 108 Ways to Discipline Consciously and Become the Parent You Want To Be.

IME Moxie is usually pretty switched on, so I reckon it'll be good. There's info on the link above as to how to get it.