Finding life hard with a new baby & toddler

[Iwasthefourthwiseman]

Dd1 is 3 and lovely but very wearing. Dd2 is 3 months and also lovely, but refusing to take a bottle so I get no break, not good at sleeping in the day. Doesn't go down in the evening except last night when she went 8.30-10.30 but after going down again at 11.30 woke at 2, 5.30-7 then again at 8. Till 7 weeks she slept 7.5 hours. Now I'm getting 5 or 6 hours and am struggling to get to sleep at midnight when she goes down & after she has woken at 5 or 6am.

I don't do well on lack of sleep. Her napping is really hit and miss and some days I feel I don't get any break.

Dh has had a virus for over a week now so hasn't been his usual v helpful self so I have had to do most things myself. I'm not ready for Xmas, the house is a mess & I'm feeling like the sleep & feeding thing is so relentless.

Dh has started having a go at me telling me I am always so negative, that he is sick of seeing me so miserable & basically accused me of being a crap mum to dd1. I admit when I am so tired & frustrated my patience is low & I can't stand her mauling me and am really intolerant of her constant talking. I'm really trying with her though, but my main focus is the baby. Doesn't help that she is a daddy's girl & always has been. The new baby is driving us further apart.

Dh & i are arguing so much. He doesn't understand the frustration that the baby won't take a bottle. He just thinks she'll take one eventually but she might not. I'm feeling so despondent. It's not depression though. There is a direct correlation between my mood and how much sleep I am getting. I had really bad pg insomnia so basically haven't had a full night in nearly a year.

Repeat after me.... IT WILL GET BETTER.

I have a 20month old and a 13week old. Same as yours, ds2 point blank refuses totake a bottle so I never get a break.

Dp does what he can, bless him, but sometimes it just not enough to make me feel like I'm gonna get through the day without cracking up.

Have you got a sling? A lot of babies will fall asleep easily in a sling leaving you to get on with other things.

As for housework, don't worry about it, and if it gets too much then take it a step a a time.

I managed it by firstly just making the beds and opening the curtains every day, then after a few day's, making sure a load of laundry went on first thing in the morning, then making sure breakfast dishes were washed straight after breakfast etc etc. Keep it going and you'll find your own little routine which will become 2nd nature.

Sorry your dh is having a go, I don't think they realise how important it is for us to be able to have a break from feeding constantly and unfortunately I have no advice.

I'm sure you'll have a great Xmas and New Year will be a good chance to start fresh.

(unmumsnetty hugs)

Hello, FourthBump (as it were) - we must stop meeting like this...

No advice, just bagloads of sympathy. I'm really struggling with my 13 week-old and 17 month-old DDs. In my case, it's my (childless) sister who's had a go at me for being negative. DH is very supportive but I think even he understands only up to a point.

I think the worst bits are 1) the weight of the responsibility - it's all MUMMY and 2) the drudgery of it all, trying to get through another day and keep everyone happy when we can't even go outside for a walk.

I cope with chocolate and by looking at the photoalbum of DD1 at DD2's age. It's surprising just how recently my big, boisterous girl was a tiny baby. And she somehow grew into a person, and one who sleeps at night and naps during the day at that. So we've managed it once and there's no reason to suppose it can't be done again.

Not that I really believe any of that, mind. I'm still convinced I'm going to be a dummy with legs and have a baby strapped to me in a sling FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And no amount of reasoning can convince me otherwise.

I'm in awe of how positive you sound, Pixie, given that our age gaps are very similar...

Thanks both, appreciate the sympathy. It's just relentless some times. And when dh & I are no longer on the same team it is all much harder. Doesn't help being snowed in so no nursery this week for dd1.

I hate this feeling of not being in control of my life. Dh is a good man really. It's just a bad patch.

Oh FUCK why did I ever think I could handle two? It's been nothing but whining from DD1 and crying from DD2 ALL DAY.

I can't establish any kind of nap routine with DD2 because DD1 is always there, banging jigsaw pieces together or whatever. So I wear DD2 in a sling pretty much all day Which means that DD1 is being sorely shortchanged on cuddles and tumbling about.

And on and on and on. I just don't know how I can meet both of their needs. There isn't enough of me to go round.

I hate days like today.

Hello all

I have DD (3.1yrs) and DS (4m) and i admit i also really find it hard. I loved being a mum when i just had DD, even bad days were do-able, but with 2dc i have thought quite often how i would like to shut myself in the bathroom and leave them to it

DH is helpful, but only if he is at work iyswim? If he is home with us all day then he gets a lot more stressed about stuff than i do.

The things i find that help the most are:
Getting out of the house every day. I find my dc so much easier at toddler group, DD is busy doing stuff and doesn't need/want me and DS is happy to watch everything that goes on, plus there is always someone willing to hold a baby while you use the loo/have a cup of tea/help other dc etc.
Have things that you can get your older dc to help with, eg; DD likes to help load/unload the dishwasher, sweep floors, wipe tables etc and although not great at it, it does kill two birds with one stone - i get to do things that need doing and she keeps occupied and feels a though she is getting attention.
Have a favorite film that you can put on when you are stuck on the sofa feeding for hours. I appreciate this only works on slightly older children.
Tbh, my one absolute saviour is the fact that we have horses that we need to do every afternoon. DD gets wrapped up warm and plays on the yard and DS sleeps all snug in the car on the yard. It gives me time away from the dump that is our house atm, DD gets a good bit of exercise so is happy to flop in front of the telly when we get in.

It is bloody hard, DS also won't take a bottle and he is very much a mummy's boy.

If i can make sure the dishwasher is emptied and reloaded and a washload done every day then i feel we have done well. It is not forever and will get easier apparently

Welcome to my thread of hell. Snow means no nursery tomorrow! Fortunately dh works at the local library which is v small so I am decamping there with the kids & eating all the biscuits people keep buying for the library staff!

Sorry to hear you are having some time of it - been there honestly, and it does get better.

DS2 will also not take a bottle and so I'm the main source of food for him, and it is relentless but I keep telling myself 'soon he'll be getting weaned', he is approaching the magical 6 months mark, so it will be happening soon I'm sure.

Try and spend time with your DD1 when you can, have you no family or friend that can help you for a few hrs just to let you get a nap in during afternoon?

If it makes you feel any better, I don't get any housework done besides loading/unloading the dishwasher, putting on a load of washing a day and that's about it. Some evenings the living room looks like chaos but I don't even care, just getting through the day in one piece is my mission at the moment!!

Hi can I join in this thread too?

I have a 25 month old DS and a 4 month old DD. DS goes to nursery on thursdays and fridays (although I do have to take him to nursery on these days which is an hour round trip walk, so no lie ins or complete relaxation even on those days), so it's Mon, Tues and Wed that I have them both to myself.

Most of the time it is SO DIFFICULT. It really is relentless. DS is still very clingy towards me and wants cuddles all the time. I wear DD in the sling ALL day as she doesn't do sleeping in buggies or bouncy chairs etc. So like another person said, DS get short changes on cuddles throughout the day and it is heard breaking when he asks for cuddles and I can't give them to him. I try and spend time with him when DD is not in the sling, but then there's always things that need doing like changing nappies, making meals, getting the children and myself dressed, so there hardly any time for me and DS.

We go to lots of toddler groups which is great, keeps DS occupied. I breastfeed DD and she doesn't take a bottle (never tried her with one). If i try and breastfeed DD without having DS entertained or sufficently distracted, he tries do climb on us and pull her away from me or hit her. It is so stressful.

Luckily DH does almost all of the housework when he gets in from work. He goes to sleep at about 11pm after doing all the chores, bless him.
DD wakes up a couple of time a night for feeds. I go to bed early so that I feel human enough to deal with 2 kids the next days.
DS is a terrible sleeper still. He wakes up at least once a night and screams for me or milk. DH handles him during the night and sleeps with him if all fails in another bed.
DS co-slept with us till DD came along and he's finding it difficult to adjust being away from me I guess.

I'm struggling to get through the days with the constant neediness for attention and cuddles with 2 littles, and all the sheer amount of work that goes into it. I'm forver seem to be wiping noses, wiping sick off me and DD, chaning nappies which is a real challenge with DS and he HATES having nappy changed (picture me chaning a poo nappy of DS with DD in front of me trying to sleep in the sling...sheer hell), keeping DS away from DD as although he does lover her, he is a bit heavy handed with her.

I sometimes take my frustrations out on DS and shout and scream at him, which is awful and I feel so guilty
especially when he looks so sad when I do so and tells me "don't shout mummy" and cries and wants cuddles and I've bloomin got a baby strapped to me so I cna't even do that.

anyway hoping that things will get easier...

Choceyes, I could have written your entire post. I get so impatient with DD1 when she's just being a toddler (and, really, a very independent toddler at that). My rational mind know this is unfair, that she's barely more than a baby herself, but there's this really basic instinct to protect the tiny baby that seems to take over. And then I feel guilty, so I'm on a shorter fuse than usual anyway.

When I've survived another day I find it hard to count my achievements because I just remember all the times I coudln't ive DD1 the cuddles she wanted or had to let DD2 cry while I made tea or whatever.

Can't decide which is worse, the emotional torture of it all or the sheer hard physical work. I'd so like DH to spend a day with DD2 in the sling, trying to gather puzzle pieces off the floor to play with DD1, changing DD1's nappy when all she wants to do is to kick the "Wah-wah" and attempt to load and unload the dishwasher without breaking his back and/or DD1 shutting herself in it!

Hello you guys, You are me at exactly this time last year. I even posted a few please help me's about it.

I hated it too, for all the reasons you mention, found it the most soul destroying part of my life so far and wished I had never had no 2 etc etc.

It is far better now - it's so hard to believe when you're stuck in the middle of it but it's true what they say, just keep on keeping on. One day at a time, sod the housework...

It is still relentless and I still never seem to have time to myself or to get anything beyond the basics done but the screaming/constant bfing/non sleeping part is over and that really does make all the difference. Really wish you all luck.

Fourth I am so sorry you DH is having a go at you - the last thing you need is to feel like your team mate is not on your side any more, that feeling of support was the most important thing getting me through the days back then. Surely he can understand what it's like to have such huge demands on you and how utterly dreadful you feel after no sleep? I have no idea how you can get through to him beyond talking about it, very best of luck.

More unmumsnetty hugs - it does get better!

Hello - bit late to this thread but I hear you sisters! I have a 20 month and 2 month old and at least once a day I:

Want to kill my husband
Want to go back to work
Wonder what I was making such a fuss about when I had my first baby
Want to cry everytime a new christmas parcel arrives because I have NOWHERE to put anymore CRAP in our house
Look at envy at women with their shiny new dinky Bugaboo's, as I lumber past in our very cheap, very big tandem bus contraption

GAAAAHHHH!

It will get better. A friend once said to me, wise woman, a second baby only brings twice the work but because you have a tenth of the time to do it in than you thought, it multiplies a hundred fold.

I have a 3 year old, an 18 month old and a 17 week old. I am fucked permanently. I have found that I have to have DH on board, otherwise it all goes wrong. We have vicious rows when it gets stressful.

a couple of nights ago, the two youngest were ill, the 18 month old's temp was 40.3. They were both screaming at once, i called DH to give me a hand, he was trying to help, but had chronic trapped wind. So I had the two screamers, and him leaning against the wall in agony farting - at 04.30 - already about 7 months behind with sleep. I remember just looking at the wall and I couldn't even cry, it was total hell.

I am finding that the day has peaks and troughs, with the odd total meltdown when everyone looses it, usually when we are all hungry/tired. I try to pre empt this by getting prepared in advance. So I cook supper in the morning when there is a quiet half hour. I also try and have an hours kip from 5-6, so I get supper on the go, and leave DH feeding then playing with them for an hour.

The baby does not sleep through the night which is driving me mad. I should be googling how to try and get her to, but I am on here instead. i find MN to be a power of strength.

I feel embarrassed asking my family for help because they might think that it is my own fault for having 3 under 4.

its tower of strength innit - see im fucked !

I am paying step mother in law to do 3 hours cleaning/helping a week from January. She is a bit OCD regarding cleaning which i am tapping into. I will get her to do stuff like change the bedding and clean the fridge.I am hoping that this will alleviate some of the pressure.

I remember in the first few weeks of having the 3 having a couple of very bad days. I ended up at the self checkout in tescos with all 3 of them screaming and till kept on going wrong. I just shouted " I need HELP !" This girl came over and sorted the shopping out and then helped me to the car, loaded it and took my trolley back. I felt dead ashamed that I literally could not cope. That was the same day that my DD 3 had to do a poo in the play group car park - not a good day.

Just heard a bump upstairs - think its all going to kick off in a minute ( i am sleeping on downstairs with the baby tonight )

so Happy Christmas ! I'm just going to drink lots today and hope for the best.

Hello all, thanks for your replies to my thread. Sorry for others struggling too. Managed to get through today with no tears till now. I can hear dh battling to get dd1 to bed while I am stuck in the bedroom feeding dd2 hoping she might go down for an hour or two (I should be so lucky!).

Dh is still ill and I struggle to be sympathetic when it means being stuck with the kids on my own. Bless him, he is trying. He has a week off but it won't feel like much of a break for either of us.

But the good news is dd2 finally took a bottle today, that is going to make a massive difference!

Oh and dh is still sleeping on the sofa which is rubbish for both of us bit with dd still waking in the night (well, both of them sometimes) & dh ill and coughing all night neither of us would sleep.

Every now and then I have this fantasy about being struck down by a debilitating but non-serious illness involving me being admitted to hospital just so I can get away from it all

Hello, fourthman!

Glad to hear you've got through Christmas. I have the debilitating-illness fantasy at least daily, if that's any comfort...

Still feel like I'm only just managing. It takes an hour and a half to get DD2 to sleep in the evenings but at least I do then get an hour or two to myself. Trouble is, all that time while I'm feeding her to sleep I have Bad Mummy thoughts going round my head - that I'm making a rod for my own back, should be teaching her to self-settle, etc etc. And when I'm not having those, I worry that I scarred DD1 for life by using controlled crying on her. It's a no-win situation, this motherhood business.

DH isn't on the sofa but might as well be. I never thought I could be this disinterested in sex. Makes me feel awful, especially when he's being such a hero (he did all of Christmas lunch and all the clearing up yesterday).

I'm struggling to feel positive about anything. Yes, we have DH at home for a week now, but as you say it hardly means a break for either of us. And I'm already dreading him going back to work (and my sister leaving again - it's so much easier when the adults outnumber the children!!). And then there's that scary week before baby activities resume. It just all feels like a long, hard slog without much to look forward to. But then, I am prone to seasonal affective disorder...

You are not alone!

i wonder how it feels for everyone to look back on this post now, you probably don’t browse her anymore! I’m in the thick of it and this got me through so thanks for making it. 2.8 year old and a 4 week old and currently crying daily.