Feel like I'm a fraud

[Tankatankaskunk]

Hello Mumsnetters

This is my first time here - i've been feeling so bad I just wanted to share it with others who might understand.
My dd is 18 months and I've been back at work part time for 6 months now. I just feel like I'm doing really badly at everything - bad colleague, bad mum sometimes when arguing with dh in front of dd and bad wife cos don't feel like having sex any more.

It has been a really tough year - my mother-in-law died in June and we moved at same time, and i went back to work a month later. my dh is still very down (though says he's fine - he's not!)
I feel like i should be on top of things at work and be supporting dh and be smiley mummy but am finding it all so hard. Totally lacking in motivation and confidence at work and somehow don't feel like me there anymore. And am being super sensitive at home and rather than keeping things calm, I flare up and it's like a battleground.
Somehow I just feel like I'm missing something - i live my dd so much and am so happy she's here but don't seem to be able to focus on positives sometimes. I just feel really anxious and tense and then guilty too.
Aaaarrrrgh! Sorry for the rant but it does feel good to have got things off my chest - thanks :)

hi tank

i know what you mean.

teh first thing that came into my head when reading your post was "stretching herself too thin".

I'm wondering who is supporting you as you say you should be supporting DH and are struggling to keep things calm. is your DH also making an effort to keep things calm and is he supporting you at home and in your return to work?

it shouldn't be all on you to be megawoman. it shouldn't be solely up to you to keep things calm or to not row infront of your DD.

first things first

can you ask for maybe reduced hours or reduced workload at work? speak to your line manager and tell them you are struggling, you have given it 6 months and you feel you aren't able to give your best to the role while there is so much to do.

speak to your DH. is he still very upset about his mum's death. what sort of support is he asking for? could he maybe see a bereavement counsellor so that he is offloading onto someone who isn't emotionally involved?

also, not sure how he is at home but could you talk to him about division of chores? could you agree to each of you having an evening off chores and childcare every week, so that say on a monday he does everything so you can have a bath, chill, read a book and then you do it for him on a thursday or whatever.

Hi Boo

Thank you - phew, it's really nice just to talk to someone about it. Not always easy to talk to friends.

Yes I def feel stretched too thin. I think you're right about work, I'll try talking to my boss in the new year and hope that will help...

You're so right that the calm has to come from both me and DH - i did talk to him about maybe seeing a bereavement counsellor and he didn't say no straight away which was good.

I absolutely feel like i need some 'me' time and he's pretty amazing at doing chores, just recently he's been working really late and then I'm doing bath and bed for DD and then straight into cooking for us - can feel a bit relentless for both of us. I think we both need some time to chill that's not in front of telly.
Yes, the megawoman thing, I think I expect myself to do everything perfectly and then when it doesn't happen like that I think I've screwed up. Need to be more realistic and nice to self methinks...

yes, dropping the megawoman ideal is key here i think. it is very hard though when all around you it appears that everyone else is able to manage it. i guarantee you, either they don't manage it all or they are even more stressed than you are.

definitely speak to your DH again about teh counsellor. i know it is very important that you are there for him but supporting doesn't necessarily mean shouldering all his troubles. supporting him can mean helping him find the right counsellor and allowing him time on his own to think things through. and he should allow you teh same support and respect.

btw, when i started back to work i found it took me a good 6 months before i started settling properly into a routine where i didn't actually have to think about what needed done, it all just started happening. but still speak to your manager. even just a half day less might help or maybe leaving an hour earlier each day if possible so that you aren't in a mad rush to collect DD, feed her, bath her and get her to bed.

i found the evening rush very difficult as i actually wasn't spending any real time with ds, just feeding him and packing him off to bed.