Sibling Rivalry - I know I'm getting it all wrong!!

[Chunkamatic]

Up until the last few weeks DP and I were feeling rather smug that DS1 (2.10) has so far not shown any real jealousy or negativity towards DS2 (10mths). So, just to show us how wrong we were DS1 has started to be quite violent towards his little brother and I'm not dealing with it in a very constructive way AT ALL.

The main trigger points seem to be when DS2 is being fed or cuddled, which is obvious really, but also if he cries DS1 seems to want to hurt him even more and will grab him and scratch him etc. If DS2 is sitting on my lap DS1 will run up full pelt and body slam him (given the chance obviusly now I get him out the way!).

At first I thought that DS1 was just being over-zealous. He enjoys physical play and we do have a lot of rough and tumle games so I thought he was just getting a bit confused as to what was appropriate, but I'm fairly convinced now that it's more often done with spite. He is not afraid to openly hurt DS2 in full view and I know that part of this is attention seeking behaviour.

Just to make matter worse, DS2 has now worked out that his big brother is out to get him so everytime DS1 is in close proximity he screams and cries!

I did read Silblings without Rivalry when I was pregnant but the theory is escaping me when in the midst of a day full of battles.

Any advice gratefully recieved. At the moment I feel like I end up shouting a bit too much.

Divide and conquer. If you and DH can work it out so that each kid gets some one on one with each of you - one goes to the park with DS1 whilst the other hits the supermarket with DS2, making sure you swap it around so you are not each picking a child, things may calm down a bit.

What works for us is telling the older one how much his younger brother loves him and wants to be like him.

Ad nauseum... "look DS2 is watching you eat, he wishes he could eat like a big boy etc."

Keep pulling the attention back on him all the time for a while.

Thanks for the tips - any advice is gratefully received. I have tried harder today to have a more positive approach and laid the praise on thick with DS1 and he actually did some nice things for DS2, and it's been a long while since he's done that! So it's been a reminder to me that their behaviour is so often a reflection of how you react to them.

Why does it have to be so bloody hard to remind yourself to be nice though?!!!!

I'm having such a similar time with my DS 2.5yrs and DD 11mths - he is very possessive over toys and has been for such a long time. It now involves him shoving his sister aside if she crawls over to have a look at what he's playing with. And he grabs her toys from her hands if they interest him too. It also happens with other children and he'll just grab something they have - so embarrassing and really upsets the other kids.

I'm aware it's a phase but it's lasted such a long time. So far we try the "well if you've got all of those toys what can X have? She'll be really sad if she can't play. Wouldn't you be sad if someone took your toys?" etc and with some success. but the more my daughter is mobile the worse it gets - I know it's stressful for him adjusting to each new stage but it's getting really hard to have friends over as he won't let them play with many of his toys. I knw you're not meant to enforce sharing as it's pointless but I can't let him snatch all the toys off them!

I have sympathy about the physical stuff too - it happened with us initially but we now have a no tolerance time out policy and then he has to kiss whoever he's hit better and say sorry. Much improved.

Hard to like your kids sometimes isn't it?

My ds (2.7) has so far been lovely with dd (she's only 4mnths so plenty of time for it to change). However, he went through a spell of some awful tantrums and nit being very nice to me,just generally attention seeking. I really didn't feel like it but me and dp left dd with granny and just took ds to Alton towers with a stop over. He had a lovely time,and really enjoyed having me and dp to himself. Since getting back he's been like a different child,and we're all a lot happier. I know it's hard to get a few days away but could you get just an afternoon or something? Take ds swimming or to the park,whatever he likes doing and get some one to one?

I have two tips, with one fundamental principle: I never see the full story. Even if I think I am in the room for the whole of an incident, with unimpeded view, there is still back story that I do not know about.

1. If one child has clearly been injured by another, then just focus on comforting the hurt child. No need even to tell off the one who did the hurting. Attention going to the crying one means that hurting people isn't a good long-term strategy for attention seeking

1. (and this one came to me from a mother of 5 grown up children) children have to find their own level. You can't spend your entire life being the referee, and if you do, they don't learn to resolve their own battles. So if the bigger one is snatching something and you just can't reason with them about it, let the snatching happen and then concentrate on comforting the one who had something snatched, and find them something else to do. Again, no need to tell off the snatcher. They quickly learn that the consequence of snatching a toy is that the victim gets love and attention. They also learn that the victim cries, and if they have any empathy, they are unlikely to want to do that very often, especially if it isn't linked with anyone being blamed for anything.

But these approaches may be specific to my own family dynamic :)

Ommward - I love your resonse and I am going to try this with my 2ds who seem to fight and snatch and bicker over everything at the moment. Only 14 mths between them.