Partner needing direction

[kmac80]

Hi everyone,

I have a 5 month old and have hit a brick wall and realization that my partner just doesn't have "the knack" at this parenting thing. He loves his son and is very emotionally supportive however is unable to help with the baby and always ends up handing him over or calling me to come home.

I'm really tired as I have very little down time and to top it off bub has started teething. I think that he will be a great dad later on but at the moment he has no idea how to settle baby, play with him and even gets his nappy on the wrong way. I have given him directions and help but he still just doesnt get it.

Im starting to resent him and get angry and very sharp towards him which is affecting our relatiionship.

I just want him to "click" as a parent so I don't feel so alone on the parenting front.

Hs anyone else felt like this?

Tough one. Do try to be kind to each other, as it is a really hard adjustment. And don't be too quick to help him out, either: he'll learn to cope faster if he has to.

I bought my DH this book before our DS was born and he read it and loved it. It gave him a lot of confidence with the baby.

There's also this one but ultimately talking is the only way.

Tell him how you feel and get him to tell you how he feels (probably very daunted) then go from there.

The only thing is, if on some level he thinks this is really your job and not his or he can't be expected to look after your child, then you've got more of a battle on your hands, but cross that bridge when you come to it.

Give him time, he probably just needs more practice. How often is he "in charge"?

I realised I was sometimes getting a bit stroppy with DH for doing things "wrong", when really he was just doing things differently to me!

You will probably find that you both have different strengths & weaknesses - DH for example could never get the hang of swaddling, no matter how many times I showed him (think he was afraid of doing it too tight), but he was very good at walking up around the room rocking the colicy baby on his arm for hours on end while I slept.

DH has also got alot better at the parenting stuff now DD is a bit older - I think once they get a bit older and become "little people" rather than babies, the Daddies find it easier to be more involved.

Of course I can't know how things actually work in your house- but is he allowed to make his own mistakes and sort them out himself?

tbh I am not entirely sure I had the knack as a new parent, but because I was the mum I just had to muddle along as best I could. So I tried to let dh muddle too. And was very proud when our second baby was born and all the other mums on the ward were soo envious of this confident hands-on dad that seemed to know it all.

What helped us was that we shared the childcare with dc1, so there was one day a week when dh had to cope, because I simply wasn't around (I left expressed milk). If he took long to settle her, that was just tough- I wasn't there to bail him out; they had to learn to cope with each other. If her nappy went on back to front, he had to cope with the consequences.

It might be possible to reproduce this situation on a smaller scale, by you simply taking a bit of time out now and then.

I agree with the responses above. You also say that he calls you to come home when he can't cope - I know it may be nerve wracking for you but perhaps you could not answer the phone when he calls you or texts you - your son IS in safe hands with his Dad it's just that his Dad thinks he can't cope so he calls you.

I agree that you may be need to be slower to respond and step-in. A nappy the wrong way around isn't great but it's not a huge problem (and if it leaks then your DP will probably get the hang of it faster!!).

DH has DD one afternoon a week while I work and it has done wonders for his confidence. I can't just come home from work because he's got a problem, he has to deal with it. I am happy for him to phone for advice if he's stuck (i.e. 16mo DD having a meltdown).

I also went away for a weekend (work conference) when DD was about 5mo and DH had to cope for 36hrs. It was brilliant for him really although he found it really hard. Maybe you could meet up with friends for a few hours and leave him to it (or could he meet up with some other dads + babies?)

Thanks very much for your replies, I really appreciate your feedback. I do step in quick, mainly because I'm one of those mums who hates hearing their baby cry especially when I know what is wrong and how to calm them down. I will give DH more credit and support. He has come a long way from when he tried to pick our newborn up by the ankles......

At the moment bigger problems have taken over this one like DH losing his job a week before Xmas and a mother in law......