Is your default parenting mode that of your own mothers? and if so how do you change the default?

[JumpingJellyfish]

Recently I have heard myself coming out with more and more of the sort of comments to my children that I recognise as those my Mum used on me and my sister when we were children. Many of them are quite negative/nagging/critical. I try my utmost to not use the same language/techniques, but when I'm tired/stressed (a lot of the time with 3 young DC) I hear those comments sneaking back in. Is this my "default" parenting style? And how easy is it to change it? Does anyone else feel like this?

Thanks x

Yep! I work REALLY hard at not to be like my mother and read parenting books to learn all I can (I don't take everything I read literally, just to inform me). For example my mother said the other day 'its so stupid that you can't smack a child anymore as that's often the only thing they respond to':( I however know this is instinctively wrong and against how I wish to parent so am reading around the subject of disciplining, Unconditional Parenting etc. I think its natural to slip into to patterns that we are familiar with but the fact you are aware of it means you can change...if its important enough to you that your children don't end up with the same childhood and hangups as you did. The thing I have come to terms with is that you have to forgive yourself when you get it wrong. I have a temper and I snap but I always try to calm down and apologise and explain why I became angry, I tried so hard at first to be perfect but they are now 4 and 18mths and I am accepting that I will be wrong in different ways to those of my parents! You're not alone x

yep what ever tyni says! I do try my best though and my mum silently disagree with lot of my parenting. Also she was 21 when she had me and I was 35 when I had DD1, different age and maturity changes the deal.

Yes, it's hard.

Pick something, work on that. Then pick another thing.

And apologise to your children when you get it wrong.

I hug my children and tell them I love them and that they are fabulous. I figure if they are the only things I do differently from my mum then it will still make the world of difference. (I am working on all the other things!).

This sounds familiar! I am like my mum in some ways that I've been trying to change since I realised they were a problem 3 months after DS was born - major irritability at little things, being quick to fly into a temper etc. I think being aware of your behaviour is half the battle, then you can get used to anticipating situations in which it could be a problem. My mum was great in lots of ways but I never want to smack my children, or even just lose control verbally/emotionally. Since having a child loads of memories about her mothering have come back to me and I am amazed at how much anger I remember. My sister and I were not difficult children but we could never be good enough - she expected us to be 'perfect' at all times.

DS is only 14 months and the next one is on the way - I know there is still a lot of ground to cover as a mum and have asked DH for some parenting books for christmas! I am also a big Oliver James fan and love his 'f**k you up' series of books which explain a lot about how your mothering skills are passed on from the person who raised you. I know his opinions are not to everyone's taste but I find his work fascinating and relevant, especially when it comes to the 'default' style of parenting and how it evolves. Good luck OP, I am sure you are a terrific mum and you're not alone in this!

Exactly the same as Fruitful

I am REALLY trying to do the opposite of what my mother did in most situations.

As you say, it's very hard though - especially when stressed or tired - but definitely possible. You can only keep on trying anyway.

I find going to bed early, keeping as healthy as poss, maintaining my own interests etc really helps. It's when I'm low in myself that I start slipping ... And if you find it's not working, having a close friend or "supporter" to talk to and "offload on to" really helps.

And as others have said, when I have been too shouty or negative I explain to dd that it was "me" who had the problem and I apologise to her. Something my mother never did and never does to this day. And if I'm cross with her for a justifiable reason, I'll try and explain WHY she has done something unacceptable.

The other thing that has helped me is to watch how my friends parent their dc. I've learnt a lot about how to parent positively from them (something that is not as straightforward as it sounds if you havent learnt it from your own mother)

I made massive mistakes at the beginning and was too strict and controlling - I've loosened up a lot - in fact, I've probably gone too far the other way now!! I try and involve dd in as many decisions as possible and number one priority for me is to respect her as an individual (not talk about her when she is there, give her choices, respect her likes, dislikes and fears etc)

I think this is a really interesting and important topic for a thread JumpingJellyFish because it is so important to try and 'break the cycle' (if you'll forgive the pyscho-babble!). On top of trying to parent dd in a way that builds up her self confidence - I want to try and model living in a happy and positive way too.

My mother was/is very negative and fearful about everything but covers this up by being very domineeering. She doesn't really have the knack of living "happily" iyswim (I know life is not all tea and cakes but everyone has a degree of control over how they respond to it). I want dd to enjoy her life and not let fears or negativity get in her way.

It's a daily struggle though. I am not getting it right all the time by any means. I reckon if you are conscience of this issue and willing to admit when you have gone wrong, then you are half way there. A sense of humour also helps!!

Littlemumsmall - am definitely going to buy the Oliver James book now - thanks for recommendation

And totally agree about how parenting a child confronts you with lots of memories about your own childhood.

I was brought up my gps. They were good in some ways - really good messages about the importance of education, highly supportive of the school. In many ways though, they were over critical and negative.

I tell my dd that I love her all the time, include the message about education, and then go on to tell her that we just want her to do her best. She gets rewarded for doing well. I avoid the "disappointed" word. I got that a lot.

Ooh, very interesting... funnily enough, I was just musing on this very thing over on the "MBA" thread...

I think what we do as parents feels instinctive and therefore the right way to handle situations when in fact, we're just reproducing the things our own parents did (especially our mothers, I suspect). And as stated above, they weren't always the most effective parenting methods. Or the kindest.

I've also bunged a load of parenting books on my Christmas list. I don't think my mum was a bad parent - far from it - but I think there are also other better ways of doing things in various situations and I want to be equipped with good advice on what actually works...

I've read a lot of Oliver James too...we seem to have found the same reading lists and it sounds like others experiences are familiar. Dealing with mothers who are still neagative and controlling! I thought I had overcome a lot of things that had happened to me as a child and then I had children and realised it just brings it all back. It's hard enough as it is to keep your marriage, sanity, and friendships intact with babies but then to have to pick through the past would leave even the toughest nuts exhausted. Good advice to pick one thing and work on it rather than feel overwhelmed by how 'rubbish' you think you are.

I'm a very different parent from my mum in many ways, and that's mostly because I've spent so much time working with psychologists that I've developed an interest, kept up with the research and so my sense of what 'felt' right was always very different from my mum's. So I've always been quite AP, no strict routines, lots of babywearing, no physical discipline. Funnily enough my mum has never criticised my parenting, she has often said 'If I'd known then what I know now...' so I guess maybe her instincts always were the same as mine, she just went against them due to the culture of the day?

Yes, the culture of the day has a lot to do with parenting styles. If you look at the "Xmas support thread for those with different parenting styles to their own parents.." (paraphrased, can't remember the exact title) lots of mums are engaged in mental struggles with their own mothers and MILs who are pushing those ideas of baby-rearing on them:

"Why don't you leave them to cry for a bit?"
"Why do you keep feeding them?"
"Why are you always carrying them?"

etc.

Times and ideas move on.

Again, like fruitful, I am already making slight changes to how my Mum parented us. I can honestly never remember my Mum saying that she loved me, EVER or hugging/kissing us. But I know that she did/does. She just didn't say it. But I tell my 18 month old DD several times a day. I'm convinced that she's the most kissed baby in the world!

Other than that though, I think my Mum absolutely did her best and having had 5 of us who have all turned out pretty much Ok, I do often take her advice. She never ever gives advice unless we ask for it though. She's great like that, never interferes.

As for smacking, we used to get smacked A LOT and I remember smacking my younger siblings when they annoyed me when I was young and so I always worried that I may struggle with my own children. But having had DD I can honestly say that it would break my heart if I ever smacked her and certainly have never even thought about it. She is only 18 months though, but I do hope that I continue to feel the same.

ooh I wish I could get online in the eves... sorry to have started the thread then disappeared, really lovely to read that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

I agree- awareness of ones "default" parenting style and wanting to change it must be the first step. But I find it very hard at the moment as life has got very hectic so it feels like for a large part of the time I'm with my DCs we're rushing about, I'm stressed and it's only too easy to start slipping into the shouty, short-tempered mum my Mum was to us when we were little. I am trying to re-schedule things a little so we're not so rushed, but have a 5yo, 3yo, 1yo and working 20hrs a week means a lot of juggling, rushing out to school/work etc. and more pressure to get kids doing things quickly when they don't want to!

I too have been absorbing lots of parenting books (the How to Talk book plus Steve Biddulph's books most recently- and very strongly agree with what's written but still find it hard to always put it into practise)... I sort of fell into attachment parenting as when the DCs were babies that is what came naturally, and my Mum was actually very supportive of this as she's very pro b'feeding, sling wearing etc.- but as they have grown older disciplining etc. gets more challenging, and life just gets busier it seems. And it's this stage now that I know my Mum struggled with (in fact she admits she found the 2-5yo stage so hard it made her realise she didn't want any more DCs). To this day without really consciously doing it (I think) she is very critical of me, it's just her manner of speaking, and she's the same with our DC, and I worry I slip into that too some days.
Don't get me wrong, my Mum was very loving to us, she certainly wasn't cold, but in order to get us to do things especially when younger she fell into being very critical/shouty.

I very much try to build self esteem in my DCs as suffered/suffer from low self confidence myself (plus I have quite a sensitive DS), and I try hard to avoid negative comments or being critical, but do slip into shouting when hurrying them along too often, or get angry when they disobey what I've asked them to do, which I know I shouldn't do- and I do apologise to them. I've never used smacking as I am very opposed to it, but know my manner of speaking is not always how I'd like it to be.

Definitely all made harder by a 1yo who doesn't sleep much at all!!

I could have written your post just now - it really sounds like me, on all fronts! (except that my dcs are 5yo and 2yo so you have it a more stressful with 3!).
A lot of people (including my dh) are very wary of parenting books because of the danger of being less confident by trying to follow someone elses ideas that they maybe used with their children (different from your own children). I see this point of view 100% but personally, I find parenting books, discussions on MN etc. a good way to get myself motivated to live the parenting styles which I want to implement. Just deciding I want to do x, y and z isn't enough for me - because I also experienced different parenting and my default is definitely what my parents did. I have decided how I want to parent generally. Now I just have to keep doing it - and I find books/discussions a good way to keep my mind on the ball and keep me optimistic that I CAN do it (hour by hour). When I get too isolated without external input re: parenting, I just lose the plot and am more and more negative with the children. Chatting with other adults isn't sufficient for me - it has to be fairly idealistic thinking about parenting! :)

simic yes my DH thinks I should stop reading parenting books and "making myself feel guilty about everything". I think his mind just works differently to mine, and like you I really do find I need to read books and discussions on this to help reinforce my own ideals for parenting and then hope that these gradually increasingly become the way I parent too.
However in a way DH is right as I do find myself feeling pretty bad sometimes after reading parenting books, worried that I've got it so wrong at times and damaged my DCs as a result :( Deep down I know I try most of the time to be a positive parent, and I do apologise after shouting, and my DCs are happy, confident, full of energy, polite when needing to be etc. But it's so hard to get it right all the time you'd like to get it right! And when I'm tired I find it a monumental effort at times to always remember the best ways of positively "cajoling" the DCs to do things when we're in a rush...

I don't know if it's the same with you, but I think having had critical parents, I do feel all the time that I have to be perfect. But, I think there isn't really such thing as damaging your children (apart from full scale abuse). I mean, I am so lacking in self-confidence, but on the other hand I often wonder if it would have been any different if my parents had parented me differently or if it is really genetic. Also, we don't know what we're preparing them for and there are always some qualities in children and adults which are beneficial in some ways but disadvantageous in other ways.
I've decided that I probably just need to keep doing my best, not worry about what I could have done differently (I could never find out if it would have been better or not - in fact it would be a whole essay full of "better in this respect, worse in that respect", even if there was some all-knowing parenting judge who could tell me what grade I got at the end!). But, trying to reduce my tiredness is definitely worthwhile.
P.S. If anyone knows a parenting judge who gives grades, please let me know! It would make life so much more certain!

Simic I can completely identify with your last post! Except, I don't want grades
"having had critical parents, I do feel all the time that I have to be perfect" Deep down I know that my trigger. I always feel that everybody else is doing better than me.
I don't think I can damaged the DDs too much, though, if I show them I love them and encourage them (I hope). I hope they will be much more confident than me without being arrogant about it! Apparently DD1 got the first bit right for now .

Don't forget that there will be other influences on your kids (like teachers and GPs) that you have no control over. And then there is genetic...

For me, part of the aim of learning some effective parenting techniques is to make my life a bit easier (hopefully) - as well as to help my DC be settled, confident beings who are able to get the best out of their lives...

yep I second the annoying trying to be perfect driver. and unending worrying about whether you're done as good a job at bringing up the DCs as x y z are....

Yes if more effective parenting techniques also have the effect of reducing my general stress levels that's all to the better! :)
Back into the chaos now...end of working morning!