DD doesn't want to go to her dad's midweek any more - what do I do?

[Worried136]

DD has started secondary school and is finding it difficult to adjust to the somewhat draconian regime and lots of homework. She is terrified of forgetting something or being late.

She uusually splits her time between me and her dad by going to him every other weekend, half the holidays and one night in the week.

We have always agreed that we will arrange the days to stop her feeling guilty about choices and she has been happy with this up till now.
She now says she really doesn't want to go to her dads mid week and ideally doesn't want to go to school from his on alternate Mondays either. (He isn't great about getting her in without a big rush which might contribute to this, but I think it is more about feeling like she is a bit vulnerable and wants her mum at the moment.)

What I would like to know is at what age other mumsnetters let their children decide whose house they stayed at and for how much of the time? I think she is old enough to make her own choices now, but obviously exDP not happy with this.

bump...

My parents got divorced when I was five nd I was allowed to make the decision to move in with my mum when I was 16.

I would say it was done for all the wrong reasons, and I regret it greatly and now thinking back it mst have hurt my dads feelings a lot.

I would sit down with her and make sure you totally understand her reasoning before doing anything. Maybe ask her if she wants to make up the time with her dad some other way.

I was lucky that my parents carried on living in the same town so it wasn't a big deal to just go over for an evening.

Thank you Helen.
Yes, we are trying to make up the time in other ways, though it is difficult as there is less time because of the new school. In fact I am not sure that there is any other time as exDP will not/cannot take any time off work to see her after school and he often works late.
(He was a very hands off dad when she was young - is a lot better now but their relationship is not the closest.)

I think that you have raised an important point as it we are trying to avoid the guilt that you are talking about. It's not her fault we don't live together and I think she should be able to make a choice about her living arrangements without feeling pressure of duty. I would say the same even if she were asking to live with her dad. For me that is a priority.

Personally I think she is too young to make a decision like this. I grew up in a similar situation and given the choice I might have decided to drop regular visits to my dad, which I would have regretted. I love my dad but living in two places is a huge pain, especially for a teenager. The packing and unpacking, not having your things/bed/dog, forgetting stuff etc. But while these issues seem like a big deal at the time, in hindsight that isn't what you remember. Plus as an adult I now have a great relationship with my dad.

Spending time with both parents is important, so I think you should talk to her to see if another day will work (like Friday night.) Also you could see if there is an underlying problem and deal with that first. For example if she is terrified of forgetting something then make up a big timetable to stick on her wall, or get her into the habit of making lists.