So which bit of 'How To Talk' do you find the most useful?

[notnowbernard]

Have just started reading it and am really liking the gist of it so far. I think the stuff on feelings and naming them etc (getting child to talk through empathic listening etc) is great and can be applied to loads of stuff, not just kids

Now I just need to get to the bit that tells me how to get my DC to do what they are told

Seriously, though, do people who have read it think it's made a difference to the way they parent?

I have found a lot of the techniques suggested quite useful when I do need to get DCs to comply.

The 'granting wishes in fantasy' also was very helpful for avoiding tantrums in pre-schoolers. I don't use it so much now that they are old enough to cope with the disappointment of us having run out of favourite cereal and to write it on the shopping list!

Sibling Rivalry is pretty good too (if you have more than one child).

For me it is definitely the empathising bit. DS is only 20 months but has good speech. I find "talking out" his tantrum really helps rather than just ignoring it.
Also trying not to use no unless it's important,wherever possible say yes.

I made a crib sheet to make it more practical use link here

Avoid saying 'no'.

Give them their wishes in fantasy.

Listen empathically though don't 'but away' their feelings ie don't say "I can see you want to stay in the park because you've having fun, but we have to go home to have tea now." say "I can see that you want to stay in the park because you're having fun, though the problem is that we're all going to start getting hungry soon or whatever."

Talk about your feelings too.

Yes, dd is 3.8, and it definitely helps us get on better and keep our days pretty calm.

Wow Iwas, that's a great crib sheet. And there were 114 other readers using it at the same time!

Wow I never noticed that! I wonder if they are all MNetters?

The crib sheet is great. Now if only I was organised enough to find the copy I printed out and actually use it myself.

Can you explain "Give them their wishes in fantasy" sounds fab!

Is it a sort of distraction or is there more to it? See this is where I become a bad parent as instead of wanting to grant DD's wishes I just go into 'FGS you will have what I tell you to have and stop fecking whining' mode

I think that is the key in all of it, acknowledgement of feelings.

I must do better. 'never mind' is a common phrase in our house.

I need a refresher course and siblings without rivalry we've had the weekend from hell here.

I must read siblings. The thing is who has time to read parenting books when you have kids (or the inclination)?

Another one on my Amazon wishlist...watching this thread with interest!

It's a good book, but Siblings Without Rivalry is even better.
Most useful bits for me were:

ALWAYS acknowledge and respect your child's feelings. Don't trivialise their emotions

Describing your childs feelings; especially usefull when toddlers/pre-schoolers are going through the tantrum stage and don't have the language skills to express themselves.

WOW fantastic crib-sheet, thanks for that!

Read the 'Engaging Co-operation' bit last night

This is DEFINITELY going to be helpful, and I think it's the area where I need tips the most

Love the idea of writing notes... dd1 (7) will really respond to this, I think

And the giving information as opposed to nagging. And the checking if they've heard to avoid repetition and fury

The wishes-as-fantasy is good, think I sort of do that a bit already

The one word thing works well for us. Instead of banging on and on about why it's important to brush our teeth every night, etc. just an assertive "teeth!" has more effect. We slip into preaching mode far too easily in our house.

I do find the book useful. A lot of it sounds obvious when you read it, but it made me realise how often I fail to see things from a toddler's point of view.

Funny, the fulfilling wishes in fantasy doesn't seem to work at all for us. I wonder if it's because I don't really sound sincere when I do it.

We have a crib sheet on the fridge but it is a different one than the one linked.
We use quite a bit of it. There have been times where I have had a situation and thought "What do I do now?" and I go and look on the fridge. It gives me a moment to think rather than rush in and make the situation worse.
My husband has adopted some bits for teaching.

I defeinitely think I shout less as I think more.

I also sat down and went through all the scenarios we were struggling with beginning with the child's response first, such as "I don't want to go to school" and then thought about how I could approach it with help from the book. I felt a bit more mentally prepared.

The only thing we weren't sure about was physical violence. We do as it says when explaining not acceptable, but we still remove them from everyone else as just talking wasn't working.

Now mine are older (10 and 7), I use notes, one-word instructions, requests phrased positively rather than negatively .

Not sure if this came from How to Talk, but something I find very useful for arguments which repeatedly arise between my DSs is to have a round-table discussion, with all of us taking turns - the one holding a wooden spoon gets to talk interrupted. Used sparingly it's quite powerful

For those of you with younger children, another really useful book is Playful Parenting.

It helps you to see that the way, and the things DCs play is an insight into their feelings, and also how to use playfulness to encourage co-operation and get round confrontations about simple things like dressing

I use the one word instructions but my god when does it sink in, if I had a pound for every time I say slippers in a day i'd be rich.
And eating in the living room, I only have to look at them and they know what they've done but does it stop them munching, tipping juice every where, does it heck.