Nasty behaviour in my 5yr old dd

[knackered76]

A lot of time she is a sweetie and at school there doesn't appear to be issues, at least that's what her teacher says and it's all I have to go on! However, when at home with her younger brother and sometimes with friends she can be really mean and nasty. I'm aware that it's probably worse when I am there, not sure if it still is when I'm not. She will not share something, or let other children borrow something like a cup to have a drink. She will deliberately do things to upset her brother and occasionally her friends. We were talking about ds's party and said we were picking up one of his friends, to which she said 'I hate him' - she doesn't even know him! She will sometimes find that something she does in fun, such as tickling, upsets a friend and instead of stopping she will carry on and laugh :( I really hate this nasty side of her and really don't like her when she shows it, which is a lot of time after school, especially with her brother. What do I do about it? I find I react to everything, which I know I shouldn't but it makes me so cross. I also don't feel as though I can let her get away with it as it's such horrible behaviour. I know this is all a bit rambling but everything feels like a battle at the moment and it's sad not liking my dd a lot of the time. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

My 5 yo DS is a bit like this, as I was according to my Dad. I think it's the pressure of being good all day at school and wanting to vent when they come home.

If she's nasty, punish her. Maybe a run around after school would let her expend her negative energy?

Should add, when my DS is naughty after school, I usually put him on the naughty step, tell him that he can't be mean to people, and then forgive him after he's done his time and talk about his day at school. That usually sorts him out.

Punish her? I couldn't disagree more as I do not think this is going to teach her empathy, which is a learned response rather than a natural one (or so I've been told by a psychologist).

There is a great book, its a parenting classic I think, by Haim Ginott called Between Parent and Child, and gives incredible useful and practical ways of disciplining (as opposed to punishing) children and of getting them to listen to you.

Thank you. Now you mention it after school does always start when we get through the front door . . . . think I'll take a much longer route home!

When something upsets her, afterwards try and link it to how others feel. 'Oh, you were upset that X happened. That's how Y felt when you did Z to her. Was that a nice thing to do? What could you do next time instead?'
If she doesn't link her emotions to how another person feels when she treats them a certain way, there will be no incentive to stop.

Rycie don't suppose you can remember anything off the top of your head about it?

Gandalfy I do try to deal and then move on as you do but find myself getting so wound up by it I find it hard not to pick up on everything. I know this says more about me then about my dd!

Thanks Jade80. She was talking yesterday morning about how mean a girl in her class is and how she laughs at her if she hurts herself. I reminded her of this when she did the same thing that evening. At which point she stared at me then looked away!

Lol well sounds like that might have got through to her then! Repeat a few times and hopefully she'll get the message and start to think about it when in that sort of situation, and perhaps stop whatever she's doing!

Knackered, I have the book at home, I'll have a look later and see if I can see something specific for this situation and come back and post it, but in general the approach is along the lines of that suggested by Jade.

Getting them to understand and experience that there are natural consequences of their negative behaviours, rather than imposed punishments, which often seem random to a child and don't necessarily address the underlying cause of the behaviour.

Thanks Rycie :)

Hi Knackered, I'm sorry I didn't come back to you as I said I would - rushing around a bit at this time of year! But in the interim, I noticed this thread in Parenting, with a link to an excellent crib sheet which is structured along very similar principles.

check this out

My dd2 is a bit like this, says she hates people for no reason, is a bit capricious, says nasty things to her sister, she actually cheered when my poor older one couldn't go to a school disco when she was ill! I told her off for that one. She's delightful the rest of the time. In my opinion, it's often attention-seeking (the 'I hate' often is a way of drawing back attention onto her in a situation) and jealousy (so being nasty to sibling). I think we expect a lot of five year olds, they go to school and so you expect them to be mature and big and express correct and socially acceptable emotions. But they are still little, get jealous, want attention and so on.

I agree that you need to step in with positive parenting/sanctions whatever you use if she does anything too terrible. If she's just expressing herself (I hate such and such) I would ignore it, as it's designed for attention, then pay her attention for something else and she'll not bother any more. But do go easy on her, and try to do nice things too, like having half an hour in the evening cuddled up together so you see her nice side. All this not sharing, bickering stuff seems pretty part for the course to me.

And, five year old little girls can actually be nasty, as indeed can five year old little boys. Sometimes we do expect our girls to be all sugar and niceness, but actually, they are little people with strong emotions.