How can we NOT be toxic MIL?

[Mercedes519]

So many relationship threads talk about abusive OH's and in almost all there is a mention of MIL and the relationship/ childhood OH had.
I still see a lot of gender stereotyping (just look at the ELC catalogue). My DS is 4 and it got me thinking about what I can do to bring up a balanced and healthy man who will be able to have a good relationship and in turn bring up his children well.

I don't want to go overboard so I'm thinking of practical things like:

• making sure DH shares household chores with the attitude that it's part of his role (rather than 'helping mummy')
• teach DS to be independent and don't do everything for him
• let him choose his own toys and ignore people who look funny at my DS with his pushchair and baby
• making sure that we respect each other and if there are any bad comments (on both sides) DS sees us apologise
• try not to treat DD any different (the whole girly girl is another issue for another thread!)

What do/would you do?

What do you do?

I have a star MIL, and she brought up two lovely well-adjusted men (my DH and BIL that is). I asked her for her tips seeing as she's done such a bang-up job.

• she shared household chores with them
• she taught them both to cook a roast dinner and other simple things (spag bol, chilli, bangers and mash) before they went to uni
• she said that whenever she was tempted to say 'Aren't you handsome?' (they are) she stopped herself and said 'Aren't you....getting tanned/good at helping me with the shopping/late for school'!!! And they both have nooo idea that they are good-looking which is such a rare and attractive quality in a handsome man
• she praised them for what they did (ie their behaviour) rather than for just being a son and therefore easy to adore

Other things she's done that have won her endless favour with me:

• she's called me a few times just to say 'I was just thinking about you and what a great job you're doing with my grandson, you're such a wonderful mother, he's very lucky'
• when I come over she says 'oh sit down, love, have a cup of tea, you must be worn out, the dinner's on, I'll just take DS off your hands.'
• when she comes over to mine, if the place is a tip she tells DH off 'why aren't you helping Becstar out more? She's got enough on her plate bringing up that boy!'

My Grandma was a great MIL to my Mum as well, in a slightly more eccentric style and a bit foreign to our modern ideas of parenting. When Dad brought her home, DGM took DM on one side and said 'Are you sure, dear? You could do so much better for yourself, you know.' DGM adored my Dad, but always referred to him as 'that boy' and kept saying 'you don't know how lucky you are persuading that lovely girl to marry you! You'd best look after her, that's all'. She was a great feminist and always told my Mum 'Keep your own money separate, dear, don't let 'that boy' know about it!'

I had a great MIL. She treated me as an equal, as a friend. I think how she did so well in bringing up dh was the following:
she herself was very assertive - a great role model;
she left him plenty of "space" - he came to show her what he had made, what he had been doing, but she never crowded him out. He did his thing and she let him get on with it.
Having said that she often told him she thought he was mad doing what he was doing (at least when he was an adult), but in a way that kept the connection strong. I think that was quite healthy as it let him sort of "rebel" and differentiate himself from his parents - they weren't always trying to be his best friends. They were just there for him whenever he needed them, and he knew it.

All the above, plus talk to your son. I mean, when he's old enough for this to be an issue, tell him to ask his wife/partner not to be afraid to raise issues she has, which might revolve around interference, controlling and so on. Even if they're through him, and assure him they'll be listened to without you sulking or having heart failure or bursting into hysterics.

Great thread. Watching for tips :)

I have a ds. I just teach responsibility. We all live in the house, so we are all responsible for it. You are responsible for how you behave towards others. Love and respect are very important. Work is a responsibility that doesn't go away.

My MIL is excellent. She says she learned from her MIL (who was indeed wonderful). One thing she does which I think is perhaps a bit OTT but is incredibly welcome: she actively praises me and DH for our parenting (and for our good points). She'll never be the person to volunteer to do a week's childcare or anything like that but she moves me to tears sometimes by how appreciative she is.

Great ideas here.

I have another to add.. Not let statements like "boys are good at finding things, girls aren't" (DS today) pass without challenge. On reflection he agreed that girls could find things too....

I have 3 DS and am very conscious about trying to raise "good" men, especially as I have experienced the damaging effects of a toxic MIL.

Things I do are similar to the other posts here.

DH takes active role in helping with domestic side of family life.

Encourage DS to help out/be responsible e.g. putting laundry in the wash basket, taking out there dishes.

I really feel as a mum of boys that I have a responsibility to raise boys who are gonig to be good husbands/partners/fathers.

I think toxic mothers become toxic MILs. So if we are kind to our children, our DH (and vice versa) and others, we will raise kind, happy children. And when we have DILs we should treat them as we would like to be treated ourselves (especially if we don't like DIL - which happens).

I have two DS and I think the most important thing in the world is for them to see their father doing it! My dad wasnt much into helping around the house etc he was the old fashioned provider and my mum liked it that way. My brothers are good men but absolutely hopeless at helping out or even realising there is actual work in the home! A mate of mine is a psychologist and she said most documentation will say that boys will look to their fathers. In the book Raising Boys it also states that from 4 onwards boys need more imput from their fathers to learn directly from them how to be good men. DH and I have had lenghty discussions on this and feel if the boys see we are partners and how much we look after each other etc they will just presume that is how women are treated and the proper way to behave. I must also say that DH is super around the house and his DD and DM had a very respectful equal relationship.