DD has strange relationships with people

[Schnullerbacke]

Couldn't find a better title threat....

DD is 4 and I wonder how I can improve her relationship with grandma. DD will come to me for a quick cuddle every now and then and more so when I am just in the middle of making lunch/dinner etc. She does howevery ADORE her nursery teacher, hangs onto her, cuddles her like as if the world will end tomorrow (apparently because she looks like a dinosaur hair-wise, hmmm).

We see grandma / grandpa about every 2 months or so, for a week. She gets on great with grandpa but grandma is another story. Grandma loves her, adores her, does everything for her. Whenever we see them, both my parents will spends lots of quality time with the kids, they are really good. And DD mostly loves grandma but every now and then is really nasty to her.

Gma has to say everything 4 times before DD will listen (not so much so gdad) and DD is quite good at ignoring her when she doesn't get her own way. As they say, kids are very good at picking things up and there is a slight competition from gma's side to be more liked than gdad. This could be because she feels like DD doesn't love her as much.

What I am trying to say is that DD has totally picked up on the fact that she can really hurt gma by ignoring her or sitting next to gdad instead of gma. Its really mean sometimes, I know she is only a kid but I am surprised what they are capable of at such young age.

So how can I improve relations between them? The only thing I can fault gma on isthat she could be stricter. DD doesn't get away with murder but I often tell my Mum that she is being tested and she should put her foot down. She reluctantly does so when it all gets a bit much but would rather not as she fears DD will blank her again.

So what can I do?

Sorry, title is really quite misleading. What I meant is why does she love her nursery teacher so much and display so much affection towards her but not own family?

Have you spoken to DD and asked her why she behaves like this, and explained that it isn't nice?

Encourage empathy, ask how grandma might feel if she was ignored. I was a little stubborn cuss at that age with my gt-aunt, used to refuse to be collected from playschool - she hated coming to fetch me, said I really showed her up! Our relationship did evolve as I came to cherish all that she did for us and I loved her dearly, and so too will your dd with her grandma.

Have explained it to her that gma loves her very much and that is why she is always doing fun things with her. She says she doesn't know why she behaves that way. When I ask her how she would feel if gma treated her this way or I, she says she would be sad. I also point out to her that our neighbour's gma doesn't do so many cool things with her grandchild and how lucky she is. So she understands this all perfectly well but give it a few hours or days, and it happens all over again.

She is not like this with anyone else so its a bit hard for my Mum not to take it personally.

Kangaroo, when did you change? Do you remember being horrible to her?

I hate to say this, but does she feel a bit like your mother is needy? She sounds a bright and perceptive little girl, and if your mother is so desperate for them to have a close relationship, perhaps it is freaking your daughter out slightly. Children are so powerless, and sometimes I think when adults are very anxious to have more from them emotionally than they want to give it can set up a sort of negative spiral. She may feel guilty so she feels resentful so she hits out, if that makes any sense. None of us like feeling crowded, and when you're that age the only way to manage it is as your daughter is. You can't avoid calls and put people off till another day.

Your DD has Grandma on toast .

My 2 DC's (DS 3.5 & DD 1) are very affectionate (especially with strangers ). They love the attention of randoms in the street or in a cafe. DS loves his nursery teacher and assistants.
They love going to their grandparents of both sides but my MiL is very needy.

Always overdoing the hugs and kisses and always wants to take DD onto her knee and the more DD fights it the more she hovers.

I was always really shocked in how disinterested my DS was/is with her as he just loves everyone but seemed very cool with her.
I think the penny dropped once I had DD and once she was old enough to enjoy attention I seen the exact same thing happen with her.

Kids don't like to be smothered. They also like to know their boundry's.

I think you should maybe gently tell your mum somehow and tell her to back off (nicely) a bit and watch your DD. I bet she is suddenly hanging from Grandma's leg wondering why the hell she isn't being adored !

Oh and her nersery teacher doesn't give her full atention and I bet she doesn't take any nonsense from her - much more of a challenge!

nursery, attention

Sounds like my DD with my SiL. SiL very intense and wants our DD to sit on her lap. DD is 9.7 and was very the last time it was ordered.
My SiL very needy, no children, elderly spinster and a bit smelly TBH. I did ask DD why she was so stand offish, her response was that if Auntie (she insists on being called Auntie) X was less bossy she would go spontaneously.

I don't really remember being horrible but can remember feeling very irritated with her (unjustly of course) possibly because she was quite picky over little things, well, little things to a 4 yr old. No sudden realisation, just grew up and as a teen had a fabulous relationship with her. Agree about your mother stepping back a little so your dd doesn't have a chance to get frustrated, and brooking no nonsense if dd's rude.

All great advice, thank you all. Now I just have to break the news, nicely of course, to my Mum. Its amazing really what kids pick up. I mean, yes my Mum is needy and needs assurance that she is loved, I know it and my Dad and sister know it. She doesn't fling herself onto DD as such but I guess, nonetheless, she is picking up on the undercurrents. Little monkey darling :)