Can someone talk some sense into me re my DS and porn

[ZeldaFitzgerald]

I've namechanged. You can quiz me extensively on MN since 2006.

I have a 12 year old DS - clearly (physically) starting to go through puberty, but otherwise quite an eccentric, naive sort of boy. A couple of weeks ago he arrived in my bedroom at 2am in tears because he had to confess he'd done something really bad - he'd googled porn and seen stuff that was "really, really inappropriate". I probably didn't handle it very well - I'd been asleep - I was upset and cross but glad he'd told me, said he was way too young etc. I put tighter parental controls on the PC he'd used, we talked some more the next day.

I'm one of those women who hates porn - I hate what it does to our society, I hate how it objectifies women the way it does, I hate the misogyny, I hate everything about it. I think worse of men who watch it. That said, I realise some women disagree, and most importantly I don't want DS to equate a probably healthy curiousity about sex with being wrong/dirty/shameful. So I found it hard - mostly because he's too bloody young to have to have this conversation.

Anyway - he's done it again, this time on my bloody laptop in the sitting room with (older) DD, younger DS around etc. DD spotted it. So more tears/guilt, more of me being cross and upset. I can't work out why he's doing it - I can't tell if it's curiosity or for sexual kicks (but he's 12, FFS) or what. He doesn't really seem to know either - was embarrassed and teary.

I don't know if I'm over-reacting, I don't know if this is standard behaviour, I don't know if it's seriously weird behaviour. I can tighten up my laptop security so it won't happen again but it won't undo what's done, IYSWIM. Am I being a bit ridiculous because of my porn-loathing?

And the moral of the story is don't be as complacent as I was re parental controls.

I think at that age boys and girls are becoming interested in sex, I know I was. The difference now is that it is easy to find sexual images. I don't think it's odd that he's interested.

It's a real shame that children are seeing these images though, it must be happening all the time

It sounds like he found more than he bargained for, bless him.

He wasn't doing it for sexual kicks in the sitting room with his siblings around ...more curiosity and boredom.

The thing is, now he knows you disapprove it may well make it all the more naughty, and therefore exciting for him, so make sure he understands WHY you disprove so much, when you are all calm.

I haven't got a 12 year old son, but what I mainly take from your post is that it is fantastic that he's talking to you about this. I don't share your strong feelings on porn but I think you need to be careful not to go overboard because it sounds to me that he already feels guilty. And I'd question whether it's right that he feels guilt for exploring his sexuality. So perhaps you need to separate there issues in your head - misuse of the computer is one thing but having a fascination with sex is totally normal for a boy of his age.

Thanks - yes, it's sad that that's how things are now but mostly it just makes me furious. Yes, I should have been way way more sorted re the security settings, but if I say "it was all my fault" then that makes the fact a 12 year old knows this stuff is out there seem legitimate and normal.

Thanks all - you're spot on and I'm fretting I've filled him with some guilt/sex association. But then I don't want him to think this is OK either.

It's good that he is talking to you. From the pov of a sex-ed teacher, I would say one important thing is to make sure he understands that what he saw was fantasy, not a representation of what is normal or appropriate in a loving relationship, you don't need to go into detail, if you need to you could compare it to something like action movies, real life isn't like that. Curiosity is fine and normal. IMO, "normal" porn is fine in the hands of older people who know where the line between fantasy and reality falls. It gets difficult when porn is a person's only frame of reference for how sex works. I've met a few teens with very odd ideas about what happens in adult relationships.

Thank you - that comparison with action movie/RL is very useful.