Please help - my 7 years old son is controlling the house...

[ssd]

with his bad behavouir, his moods, his sulks, his attitude to us all, his crying, his tantrums..................

I don't know what to do, dh thinks I'm too soft but I just don't know how to deal with this. It started during the summer holidays and it's still going on.

Is this normal? What happened to my happy wee boy???

I'm almost crying over this, please help.

What does he say when you talk to him? .why is he geting .stroppy?

A lot is to do with the fact he's a bad sleeper, he was very tired earlier on, cried and was really cheeky to me, we went out in the car and he fell asleep. He wakes up too early and is murder to get to sleep.

Is there anything that you can do to encourage him to sleep longer, like making upstairs darker for example?

And what is your dh doing to help? It's out of order if he just takes a back seat and then criticises you! You and he need to agree on what the rules are and how you are going to enforce them, and then he needs to play his part and back you up. I go ballistic with my DH if he just criticises from the sidelines.

What happens if you wear him out in the day time? Have you looked at the food he eats, especially anything with sugar close to bedtime? What about a star chart with something he wants at the end of it to get him to sleep and then decide if there's anything else at the bottom of it? I don't think 7's too old for this. Is he ok at school? Is he worried about friends or anything? I do feel for them at 7, I think other kids can be very hard sometimes. What does he say if you ask him? Does he get enough time with you, talking to you? Enough exercise? Random thoughts here, will post more if you can tell us more or if I think of anything. I agree about your dh being involved too, it takes 2 to enforce policy imo!

I'd also look into things a bit more, and make sure he's not being bullied or something first. Then you could try what DS's psychologist suggested for him (he pretty much controls our family 'vibe' too). We called a house meeting, and drew up 5/6 house rules, which absolutely must not be broken. We also discussed other behaviour that we didn't want. We then discussed consequences and what they could be.
We now give him 3 10p tokens each day (made from card). Every time a house rule is broken, we take off a token straight away. If it is a serious misdemeanour (ie he physically attacks one of us) then there is a more serious consequence. These are - loss of the entire 3 tokens; or no bedtime story; or being grounded; or no Beavers/cubs whatever.
At the end of the week he can exchange the tokens for money to the same value. We apply the consequences very rigidly, and it has worked (so far)

Should have added - less 'desirable' behaviour ie not a house rule can be stopped with the threat of losing a token

I sometimes feel part of the problem is that my life seems to revolve around ds1 too much. I also have a ds2 who is 4 and these days he seems much easier, partly because as no. 2 I know he will eventually sleep all night in his own bed (!) etc. etc., whereas with ds1 I worried about the sleep thing too. I suppose you do worry less with each subsequent sibling. Anyway I've always been at home for both boys, I work part time in a couple of different jobs but they are all on the basis that they work round the kids, so they aren't very mind expanding or interesting. TBH after 7 years at home I don't know how the hell I'll ever get a semi interesting job anyway!!Also I've got absolutely no-one to ever take the boys out for a day and give me and dh some time for ourselves, the littliest is in nursery but of course it's only for 2 hours and dh is at work then. Sorry to ramble, just trying to explain my state of mind as I think it contributes to how I'm dealing with ds1.

I don't think he's being bullied as such, but this summer is the first we've let him out to play on his own and he's mixing with the neighbouring kids who vary in ages. In fact he's one of the youngest and I know the older ones sometimes pick on the young ones, not so much out of malice just because that's what boys of 8-11 sometimes do. And ds1 is so soft, he tries to act harder but if one of them tells him to shut up or get lost it really hurts him. But as an adult I know this is how kids can be and ds1 must learn to take it a bit better. Kids can be cruel but I know that's the way of the world, I can't step in every time someone says or does something he doesn't like. And the more he sees bad behavoiur outside, I feel he's storing it up and taking his anger/frustrations out on us at home. Can't stop him playing out as he's desparate to go out to play most of the time. He's just one of the youngest. Also we've had a few incidents happen with his schoolfriends when their mothers have sort of stepped in and told ds1 off for something, then ds1 can't inderstand if me or dh doesn't go out and tell off every kids that's annoyed him, but unless he was being hit that's not our style. So maybe he feels let down but at the same time I see a lot of his friends totally mollycoddled by their mums and I don't want to do that to him as I don't think it's healthy.

Sorry this has turned into a novel, must go to school now. Please feel free to offer comments, I'll be back later.

there could well be something bothering him. seems strange for his behaviour to change so drastically. i can only speak from what we experienced earlier this year but i know i was very upset about my son. he changed school and was bullied. it wasnt VERY bad bullying but enough to upset him as he's so sensitive. he changed so much in a few weeks. he became like a moody teenager, didnt want to do anything, started backchatting me and speaking down to people, adults included. it doesnt sound drastic but for my son it was, because he has always behaved very well and always does what he's told, i have never had any problems with his behaviour before.

anyway, im rambling...i changed him back to his previous school and within weeks he was his old self again. i was so glad because i really didnt like the child he'd become.

im not saying this is the case with your boy but its something to consider i guess. wish i had something more constructive to say.

my ds1 doesn't tell me very much about school, just snippets here and there. I don't think he's being bullied but I've had problems with (so called) friends of his not being nice to him. But TBH I don't think it's more than other kids get at 7. Part of the problem is the kids round here, as I said they're a few years older and can be quite dismissive of ds1 and this hurts him as he's desperate to be seen as "one of the boys" but in reality he's a couple of years or more younger than them and to kids that makes all the difference.

I know the sleep thing is a big part of it too.

Also he's got a new teacher he hates and it's hard to get him into school at all. He's never been one for saying he doesn't want to go to school but he's saying it all the time now. His teacher has a reputation for being a right cow and she's living up to it. Why do schools employ mean teachers, they do much more harm than good.

I'm rambling now, probably making no sense, maybe I'm clutching at straws.

What does he do when you put him to bed? Does he kick up a fuss or go to bed and just not sleep?

both, messes about with ds2 and then after stories finds it hard to sleep.he's ALWAYS been a poor sleeper.

10p for every night my 7 year old boy fell asleep by himself over the summer and a promise to see the new Harry Potter film as soon as it comes out in November worked wonders for us. Persevering by waking him up at the same time every day - however tired - was difficult, and ensuring he was tired out physically, essential. We had a bumpy couple of weeks but the knock -on effect on his self-confidence and his behaviour is huge.
Prior to this he ahd only fallen to sleep a few times by himself when he was 2!

Now when he does get angry/controlling, like just after he returned to school, it is to a lesser extent and he recovers quickly. He doesn't like his behaviour any better than we do sometimes, but critically just likes to be left alone for a few moments to sort himself out. We follow this up with a chat some while later to make sure he is clear about what behaviour we did not like.

Critically, my son needs a lot of reassurance and coming down hard on him when he has done wrong, can often create a much bigger issue. Trying to understand him, talk and help seems to be working better.

He is a sensitive child, who has never slept well, but improving his sleep has really made the world of difference. I think it is the key!

Also I only allow one sweet snack after school - a home-made oat biscuit, and a small amount of pudding at tea time. It does make a differnce and my child does recognise that. Exception is on a Friday, birthdays....Nice things happen for good children. Ironically he is more likely to get to choose what we do when he is less controlling. But is is a tricky balancing act!

Good luck

thanks, that's given me food for thought. Am trying to keep my head and be rational with him, but when he's cheeky it's hard.

How were things with him yesterday afternoon and evening, ssd?

He was okay, playing with friends then when I said time to come in her was cheeky and stroppy. Came in though.

TBH I think a lot of this is me dealing with the unknown as he's my first and I've never had a 7 year old boy before!! His behavour is probably normal, I know a few of his friend seem worse. It's just when he starts he's very cheeky and dismissive of us all and that gets to me.