Socialisation

[otchayaniye]

We currently share the care of our daughter, who turned two last month. My husband looks after her three days a week (I returned to work at 15 months) and works two night shifts, I am around the other two days and the weekend.

We decided to do this so she didn?t have to go to nursery. We haven?t read AP books but by default have taken that approach (I still b/feed, she?s never gone in a cot or a pram)
But friends have not criticised, but made comments about how important nursery is for socialisation. Of course, they may be rationalising their choices. They?re certainly not trying to make me feel bad but it does get me thinking.

We take our child to playgroup most days (it?s a one-o?-clock club) and the Science Museum garden once a week, zoo, etc. So she sees many children and plays alongside them. But she?s not often playing with them. She is small and wee (still hates sharing, but I never push it, just explain) and other children tend to barge into her/snatch stuff ? which upsets her. But I continue to take her as I figure it will do her good to be amongst children.

She?s very confident with adults. She?s a first child.

But I?m not hooked into a network of other mothers (had my daughter abroad and returned when she was 7 months) and even though I live in a building where there are other small children they have their own patterns and one child close in age really seems to be jealous so whenever I?ve arranged a playdate he?s just gone bananas and hit her. This doesn?t upset me that much (I?m laid back and figure she?s got to work through this herself to an extent) but it really upsets the mother and she?s withdrawn a bit and I?ve not seen her for ages. Another woman?s child goes to nursery full time so I no longer get to see her.

I guess I?m looking for reassurance that I?m doing enough to provide opportunities to socialise.

Her speaking is good (I?ve been told that nursery is good for developing speech) and I?d say at the level of a 3 year old. She talked at 8 months, sentences at 13 months, fully conversant at 18 months. Is starting to read. So I?m not worried about her development as such.

As long as you are happy I don't think you need to worry about what other people say. Her socialisation sounds fine but what about yours? Would you like to be part of a mums network? Are there toddler groups/play sessions you could go to and meet other mums?

I really wouldn't worry. If you go to playgroup, she's getting loads of socialisation. As you say, she's still small. It sounds like you're really happy with how she's developing - and your instinct will be spot on!
It'll be a great opportunity for her getting to spend time with her dad as well as her mum (we did this too and I think it was really beneficial).
My experience is this: DD who is now 5 started nursery at 2 (part time). Ds who is now nearly 2 won't be going until he is 3 (four hours a day). Dd did some great stuff at nursery when she was 2 and did have her first friend before she was 3. But, I'm still happier with ds not going yet. I think it'll be plenty early enough for him to start when he's 3.

thanks. Yes, I generally don't worry but I think with me having these neighbour/friends fall away for whatever reason it's made me

I've actually looked into a montessori nursery round the corner but they only recentlty offered part time, then said they would keep her in the baby room (a bit pointless with her level of speech) until she was potty trained. The woman's general tone was unhelpful so that put me off. There's another nursery for mornings up our street I might look into - basically you have to stay close -- it's not ch

I'm naturally not a massive joiner of things, although I'm not a misanthrope either.

I guess what's made me second guess myself is that I feel other mothers have drifted away possibly as they think I'm precious. We still carry her for naps, we're going down the UP route and she's still b/fed. So it niggles that I'm going down a route which might cut me off a bit from others, and cut my daughter off. I will say that I never ever bring any of this up and am really down to earth and not the archetypal hippy. So I don't think it's my attitude.

Sorry, waffling a bit. Does anyone get what I'm saying? I may be imagining a problem that doesn't really exist.

To me, from what you've written, it doesn't sound like people are drifting away because of you... I think people do get busier with work as children get older and so the close networks which build up with very young babies do drift apart (in my experience). Also, these are ages where kids can be difficult with other children. I know of people who avoid families with other children because their child has started biting other children - a shame but it does happen.

I really wouldn't feel you have to take your child to nursery - children who stay at home until they go to school socialise fine too!
Just follow your instincts and your needs. I must say that through nursery and now preschool we have got to know some lovely families. Some parent VERY differently from us, but as you say, you don't have to discuss subjects where you know you'll disagree!

2 is still very young. Most school nurseries don't start until the term after a child is 3 and at this age children are often more ready and wanting socialisation with others their age. I wouldn't worry about starting nursery yet unless that's what you want and find a nursery that you like with an ethos that fits with you.
When my DS started Reception at nearly 5 there was a child in his class who had never been apart from their mother and the separation was very traumatic for the child and took most of the year before they would happily go to school (lovely, caring school so not due to the school itself I think) so maybe around 3-4 you might consider some separation at nursery to build up to a full school day in Reception year.

In the 'old days' lots of children (including myself) never went to nursery. There wasn't much state nursery provision, it wasn't paid for by the government like it is now. We grew up able to socialise with others.

I think the free nursery entitlements have persuaded us that nursery is something necessary, rather than a service which may or may not be useful depending on family circumstances.

If you go to playgroup, there are plenty of opportunities to learn to socialise.

It is hard when the networks begin to drift a bit. I think that if you're the 'odd one out' in parenting style you can feel it more as it can make you feel more vulnerable. Well, that's how I feel with some of my slowly-drifting-apart groups of 'mummy' friends. But I think I'm self-conscious about it and other people don't really see the differences in parenting style as an issue.