How do I accept my DC for who they are?

[NewDKmum]

So, recently I have read a couple of parenting articles stating that the most important aspect of a happy childhood is for the parents to accept the children for what they are. Which makes sense, I think.

But then again, I also have to teach DD's how to behave and it is my firm view that if they grow into likeable and easygoing adults it will make their lives better and easier as well as those of people around them.

So where is the line? My DD's are fairly young still (3 and 4), but particularly in the oldest one, I can detect personality traits that I would maybe rather she didn't possess. Such as being overly bossy and quite materialistic.

Do I accept that this is her personality? I am more inclined to (and at the moment acting out) telling her that this is unwanted behaviour. Does this mean I am not accepting her for who she is?

Any thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks!

You will have a moral framework to adhere to and you will naturally pass on your ideals to your children -sometimes unknowingly.

If you do not condone bossy behaviour, then your daughters will pick this up from you. (unless you make a very conscious effort to promote bossy behaviour).

Children will naturally rebel against certain standards but the biggest influence in their lives is you - so only you are in that position to model them.

Are you overly bossy and materialistic?

The best thing to do is obviously model preferred behaviour. Concentrate on leadership or analytical qualities instead of labelling it bossiness. Encourage altruism.

I try and model preferred qualities but being a bit of a bossy Madame myself I can't help but notice that she copies me. We often dislike in others that which we have difficulty in ourselves.

Bossy behaviour is quite common in little children - they are just confidently stating the way they want things to be. I think that as they grow up and interact with more people, they will learn that dictating what is going to happen doesn't always produce the required outcome.

Materialism - difficult. What do they want? Most children want loads of toys and I think that is quite normal.

I see what both of you mean.

I am bossy and DH is materialistic, so good point that we should start with working on ourselves to model the preferred qualities.

I am trying to do the unconditional parenting thing, so at the moment explaining a lot of things explicitly, i.e. that I find it annoying when DD1 talks too much about things she wants / wants to buy and that if she is being bossy then other kids won't think she is fun to play with.

But it does seem that I am being overly critical of her sometimes, so I will try to model behaviour more and criticise less.

Thanks!

Rather than saying:

"If you are bossy, other kids won't think it is fun to play with you"

I think you should say

"If you are kind and listen to your friends, they will have great fun playing with you"

Thanks, Orange.

DD1 seems to want everything! She had a small figure and grand parents and DH and I would sometimes give her and DD2 coins to put in there. But she became completely obsessed with what she could buy and would talk of nothing else if we were within 10 miles of a shop, so we have taken it away and told her that we will try again when she is older and able to not talk so much about money and buying things.

In terms of being bossy my main concern is that when she is playing with other children, especially her younger sister she always want to decide what they are going to play and how.

I don't think it is solely an age thing and would prefer to discourage it without being critical or not accepting her personality.

Orange, didn't see your last post - that makes a lot of sense to turn it around to the positive version. That makes it much less critical, I think. Thanks!

Perhaps if she starts talking about money, you could try explaining to her that if you have some money, you need to spend it first on things that you really must have. Like water, food, electricity etc. Then you need to save some money in case there are other things you really must have that you forgot about. Then you can spend a bit on things you would like but don't really need. It's a bit factual, but it would appeal to my 4yo who is mildly autistic.

Or maybe talk about saving money rather than buying a toy in case she sees a better toy next week - sort of like thinking before you spend your money because you can't get it back.

If she likes money so much, perhaps you could put it in a bank account for her and show her the statements gradually becoming bigger numbers?

Orange, I have explained about money to her, as you describe. I think I may have overdone it a bit though, as when I received a speeding ticket today (my very first and for being 2 mph above the limit fgs ) she became very concerned about there not being any money left for christmas presents :).

I don't think she would be able to manage the thought of saving money or having a bank account yet, but it seems like a good idea in a few years' time.

Agree with Orange. Also, try to see the positive. So many adult women are hopeless with money, dont't ask for what they are worth and are not assertive and suffer in the workplace for it. You have a girl who is interested in money and can learn about budgeting and value and is confident and assertive. That's fantastic. Are you certain you haven't internalised sexism and feel uncomfortable with female assertiveness? It is pretty normal for children, including little girls to be confident and assured, to be interested in running things and happy to ask for what they want. In fact, because girls tend to be more socially sophisticated (I have both) they are more interested in group interactions. I think that if we want our daughters to be equal in society and the workplace we have get more comfortable with this and not be so keen to train them out of it into more conventional, 'acceptably feminine' ie submissive behaviour. Boys are almost never described as 'bossy'. It's considered normal that they like to control their environment and organise other people.
I agree that we should definitely encourage kindness, helpfulness and cooperation in both sexes, but not at the expense of confidence and assertiveness.
And you don't need to 'teach' them behaviour. Most children will learn how to behave from the behaviour of their peers. Ie if their behaviour means they don't make friends most normally developing children will change it.

Agree you need to look at the things you don't like in her/others, because quite often they'll be the things you don't like in yourself.

Also I think with girls you do need to be careful about suppressing things that in boys you might welcome. Eg overwhelming pressure for girls to be & to be seen to be, good.

Ah, see I crossed posted with Nickie who put it much better!

Nickiename and LeakMyWiki, I really hadn't thought of it that way! I am quite career-orientated and assertive myself (and I am originally from Scandinavia, where we like to see ourselves as fairly advanced regarding equal treatment).

But now that I think of it, I do sometimes look at sweet and quiet girls and have the thought why my girls couldn't be a bit more like that and less loud and running wild with the boys...:).

I'll have to give it some thought whether I am actually gender stereotyping them and trying to form them into sweet and undemanding little girls...:(

well agree with you leak. Good so often equals 'meek' in our society when it comes to girls. I react very positively to times when my daughters (both older than your little girl) use their bossiness, if you like the term, to help and encourage others - ie organising fun games, pleasantly encouraging a timid child to go on a bouncy castle, getting onto the school council, bringing a child who is a bit different/ has special needs into their game/conversation in the face of resistance of other children etc. I praise independence of thought but show clearly that I have zero tolerance for unkindness and bullying, but try to stand back from criticising 'bossiness' per se because I think society needs confident, 'bossy', assertive women.