I need some advice on changing contact times with my son's father (awkward situation) and sorting out many new sleep problems in an almost 3 year old!

[starsareshining]

My son has recently dropped his nap. Until that point he was an almost perfect sleeper. Has been sleeping right through the night since before he was 12 months old and napping for two hours during the afternoon. Now that he's dropped his nap, I want to bring his bedtime forward.

This causes problems with contact times. He currently sees his dad twice a week for two hours at a time, 6pm - 8pm. I want to try to bring his bedtime forward to at least 7pm to start with. I've asked his dad to have a think about what he can change around, but he hasn't bothered and expects me to just carry on doing things this way because this is what's easiest for him.

Here is where it gets complicated: His dad still lives at home with his mom. He does not have a car, so he used to take my son to his mom's house one night and his dad would take them to his house the other night. My son is now no longer allowed to have contact with his mom (actually quite a relief), so he can only take him to his dad's house twice a week. This means no overnight stays and the earliest they can pick him up is 6pm because of his dad's job. Any suggestions??? I really need to change this and get him in bed sooner because his behaviour has taken a nosedive as a result of being incredibly tired in the evenings.

Second problem is that my little perfect sleeper is now a nightmare! He resists going to bed even though he's obviously very tired, and the more I try to calm things down, the more he seems to hype himself up to the point where he's almost bouncing on his bed. It's gotten quite a bit worse in the past week and I know I've made some mistakes, but I don't know how to undo them. He's recently had a bad bout of conjunctivitis which has meant he's woken in the night scared because he can't open his eyes. At around the same time, I had a viral infection so ended up just having him in my bed because I didn't have the energy to fight to get him to stay in his own bed. One particularly bad moment was when he woke up screaming because he couldn't open his eyes, I took him to the bathroom to clean them but almost fainted and ended up throwing up into the toilet while he walked around with his hands out bumping into things, crying and trying to find me. Bloody awful! So I let him sleep in my bed.

My parents also gave him a dummy and I didn't have the energy to fight it! So he's back on the dummy now. He's still waking a few times in the night even though his conjunctivitis has really eased. I think it's become a bit of a habit and he expects to come into my bed. So instead, I agreed to sit in his room with him til he fell asleep. I don't talk to him or do anything, but I just sit there. But I don't want to keep doing this! And it's not just when he wakes in the night, it's now every single time he goes to bed. I leave the room, he comes running out screaming and then I have to spend three quarters of an hour sitting silently in the dark while my bum goes numb!

It really isn't the way I want to spend the precious few hours I get to myself during the evening.

Help! :)

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Personally I'd have an earlier bedtime every night except the two nights he sees his Dad. He will quickly adapt to that as there is a pattern to it. He will still get more sleep overall.

I'm not the right person to advise on the other issue, my 2 year old (after being Miss Perfect Sleeper) often has me up at night now, but I do think we get a better run when I am consistent and just stand at her door and calmly say 'it's sleepy time, I have to rest, see you in the morning when we will do x' and then just go. If she carries on then I'll go back every howvere many minutes and repeat it. Sometimes this results in meltdown but usually it works. It is hardest when I am tired and that's when I get worst results (I am 39 weeks pregnant).

I would chuck the dummy in the bin and say 'no more dummy, you are a big boy now' and that would probably work with my two but I am a meanie with things like that (DD sucks her thumb and I can't throw that in the bin!).

I'd leave him with the dummy for now until you can get the bed time sorted.

My DD4 also often sleeps in bed with me but there are rules. Only if she is feeling ill, when Daddy has just left or the night before Daddy returns (usually gone for two to three weeks and comes home for the weekend before going off again with work).

I recon you need to give him incentives to sleep nicely in his bed. Maybe you can improve his bed ie some new duvet covers, a new night lamp etc and some new rituals. We wash, congregate on my bed to read a story, then go to DD's bed, put hot water bottle under t-shirt (dont ask...), tuck feet it, tuck sides in and sing a song. She knows she has to be good at bedtime or she won't get a story or song. Works a treat.

So explain all this to him, maybe he can sleep in your bed on a special night in the week say every Friday to mark the weekend. All other nights you expect him to sleep in his bed as otherwise next Friday will be cancelled.
Going to bed, entice him with a book and a special Mummy song. Once he is in bed and keeps getting up, give him a warning, if he doesn't listen he will lose the story, still doesn't listen, he will lose the song as well the next day. May need stickers with this.

As Mooma said, try getting him into bed early all other nights until a different solution can be found for the night he sees his Dad. Maybe let him see Dad on Thur and Friday, then he and you can have a nice sleep in on Saturday?

I agree with moomaa that you can have a 7pm bedtime except for when he sees his dad. It really sounds like his dad cannot be flexible about this - and it is really important that he keeps seeing him regularly.

Just want to remind you - as a parent of DD6 and DD4 - that children's sleep goes in phases. It's completely normal for a child to have a meltdown at bedtime once they have dropped the daytime nap. He'll gradually get used to not sleeping during the day, and be less wired by bedtime. One thing that can help with the transition period is to have 'quiet time' when he used to have naps - snuggle in your bed together and read a book, for example.

I stayed with my DCs until they dropped off, until the youngest was about three. It was really boring and often infuriating! I got both my children sleeping through the night with a star chart - and I did the same to get them dropping off on their own. I drew a big picture, added ten stars and asked them what they wanted when they filled it. Both of them loved the idea - it took four or five weeks each time for them get the ten stars so it was slow going. It did give me a way of talking about sleeping through the night/dropping off in a positive way - and eventually they did.

The dummy thing is really tricky - my DD1 had one, I took it away when she was three, and then she found her thumb! If I had my time again, I would leave it until she was a little older. Your son sounds like he can cope without it, though, so you could do the 'dummy fairy' trick - you tell him the dummy fairy is coming, collect all the dummies and put them in a box at night - she comes in the night, takes them and leaves a lovely present. You absolutely have to get rid of them though, so you can't weaken afterwards.